Or, “How Not to Be an Idiot in a 3D Movie.”
Mike and I went to see our first 3D movie, Life of Pi the other day. We don’t go to the movies often because we have movie channels at home, my knees always lock up when I sit too long, and the movie theater is like, a mile a way. And all that “Mam, your purse looks like a wine carrier…” stuff. So annoying. If I’m willing to drink wine out of a Solo cup like an animal, they should be willing to look the other way.
We took our 3D movie glasses from the lady outside the theater. I eyed her suspiciously, sure I had just been handed used glasses. She wasn’t fooling me with her sealed bag. Not even in the theater yet and they were handing me pre-packaged Avian flu.
Still, the first thing we did was put on the glasses. The blurry screen remained blurry, but wearing the glasses, I could only see it out of one eye.
“Do your glasses just cover up one eye?” I asked Mike.
“Yeah… what the hell?” he said, taking off his glasses and looking at them like people look at things they don’t understand to make it clear to those around them that the confusion is the fault of the thing and not some sort of mental deficiency on their part.
“It’s like watching a movie as a pirate,” I said. “I guess it isn’t time yet.”
A moment later a preview for a 3D movie popped up, and we rushed to put on the glasses and be awed.
3D Movie Pirate Vision.
Again, we were watching the screen like we had a patch on our eye.
“Who watches movies like this?” I asked curling my index finger to form a hook. “Arg! Arrrg!”
Mike went out to ask what we were doing wrong, and discovered that as long as the house lights were up, the glasses didn’t work.
“Then why the hell are they showing us 3D Movie previews with the lights on?” he asked me, quite reasonably.
Finally, the lights went down and we threw on the glasses.
The Revenge of 3D Movie Pirate Vision.
Do real pirates suffer from hysterical giggles? Because I had reached the end of my rope, and the 3D movie debacle had me laughing so hard I was crying.
“This 3D movie sucks,” I sputtered, wiping my tearing eyes.
“Oh no, ” said Mike, hearing my cracking voice. “We lost her.”
“Aye matey… you… *giggly sob* have….*sniff*”
Just then, the real, real, real 3D movie started. Mike and I fell silent.
Finally! This was how I imagined a 3D movie. Birds flew out of the screen at us, instantly quelling my hysterics.
We watched the rest of Life of Pi, which was really good. After a while, we forgot we were watching a 3D movie and it was less impressive, but still cool.
When we left, a girl took the glasses back and dropped them in a box to be recycled.
I knew it.
And worse, she totally blew my plans to be a pirate for the rest of the day.