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70% sure my hair washer is an alien

I hate getting my hair highlighted because it kills a huge chunk of my day, but hey, at least it is expensive. Since I’m one the lucky people who started going gray at 22, I must. The alternative is slowly devolving into a bag lady. Since I work from home, I already lean a little toward picking up my knickknacks, stroking them and muttering “Precious… my precious…” so it’s best not to give in where I can avoid my inevitable decent into what the darling neighborhood kids will lovingly refer to as “that batshit old lady.”

I spend more time getting “gussied up” for my gay, male hairdresser than I do for a night on the town with my husband, so tack on that time lost.  Then there’s the additional hour getting a facial or a manicure because my damn salon hires SMOKING hot girl-women with gravity defying hair and tattoos they’ll never regret because they’ll never age and 9″ chunk heels they can stand in all day with no ramifications such as Turrets-like cursing bursts or heels that look like zombies have been gnawing on them.

I’m pretty sure one of the girls was genetically manufactured right there in the salon. She couldn’t possibly exist outside its rarefied air. She’s 77 lbs and 40 of it is boob.

Anyway, after staring at my round German face wreathed in foil in the mirror for two hours, I think a facial is going to turn me into a super model.  Call me a “glass half full” kinda girl.

I do like the hair washing part. Most of the people there are really good with the head rubs. And then there is Alberto. I go to the bathroom until Alberto the Merciless is occupied with someone else’s hair, just so I can get me some Magic Fingers. And believe me, if you’ve ever tried to go to the bathroom in a knee-length black salon smock, you know why Catholics don’t have female priests.

Alberto the Merciless has been washing hair so long that he can talk on his phone, gossip with a  coworker, file his nails, go to a rave and mix a bowl of color all while he’s washing your hair. The problem is, your hair is tangled up in his fingers while he’s multitasking, and he drags you around the salon like a sparkly caveman.

I had a good gal yesterday, though. Fingers on the right side of my head, fingers on the left side of my head, massaging my temples… rubbing the top of my head…

WAIT.

The woman behind me was massaging both sides of my head AND the top of my head with what felt like a third hand.

This is how my mind works in these situations:

First theory: MEN IN BLACK. The girl is an alien and a third arm had come out of her chest to massage the top of my head. I cannot stress how sure I was this was happening.

Second theory: ALBERTO. He had gotten so distracted he’d leaned in an started massaging my head instead of his own client’s.

Third theory: SHE’S WASHING ME WITH HER CHIN. It really felt like she had just leaned forward, rested her chin on the top of my head and started moving it in circular fashion.

Wow. This girl was good. I’d never had someone use their chin before. Maybe that’s how they did it in Russia. Russians don’t fuck around.

I started getting a little hysterical and she had to ask what was up. I explained to her that I had actually cracked trying to figure out how she was rubbing me in three spots simultaneously, and that my guesses ranged from alien to chin-washer.

Turns out it was her THUMBS. She had tilted her hands downward which freed her thumbs to reach to the middle of my head.

Ah. I guess that makes more sense.

Mostly sure (like 70%) that I wasn’t being massaged by an alien, I relaxed and enjoyed the lilting tones of the young man standing by my ear screaming to a coworker.

“I thought I need some apps, right? For my phone, right? So I went online on my phone to look at apps and there were like… *gasp* SO MANY.”

“Not like in the 80s.” I said.

“What?” he asked.

“In the eighties there were only like six apps.”

“Oh my GAWD,” he said. “You are, like, SO lucky. That must have made things, like, so much simpler, you know? Sometimes I wish I could live in a simpler time. Like even the 90s.”

I nodded.

In the eighties, there weren’t any damn hair washing aliens, either.

Amy Vansant

Voted Funniest Non-Mommy Blog by a Bunch of Moms I Got Really Drunk.Amy has been finding creative ways to make no money since high school.

29 Responses

  1. Nicole

    Such an interesting micro-culture… I have a total conundrum that has been keeping me away from a much-needed cut and color… My hairdresser Jen is out because she just had a baby. She told me to go to Shannon–another hair dresser in the salon. But… what do I do when Jen comes back? Is it rude to Shannon to treat her like a substitute hairdresser? But if I stick with Shannon, won’t Jen be insulted? We’ve been together for like, 15 years…
    Nicole recently posted..cura personalis*
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    • Amy Vansant

      I think they know they’re just a scab until the real person comes back. Otherwise there would be knockdown drag out fights about how one stole the other’s client… some of those girls can scrap.

      That being said… if you LIKE this girl better… that could be a problem. But only for the old hairdresser, who clearly shouldn’t have jeopardized her career by procreating.

      Signed, Dear Abby
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    • Amy Vansant

      Ha! I so wanted to say Ha! that I actually went and found a plug in that allowed me to add a like button to comments, so now I can “thumbs up” a comment without having to comment if it isn’t really something that NEEDS a comment but did make me laugh/cry/get warm and fuzzy/give me indigestion/etc.

      Today, you are a WP plugin muse.
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  2. Beduwen

    Love me some gay hairdresser! Mine talks to me in such a soft voice the whole visit, I am exhausted and need a neck massage AFTER I leave because I’ve been straining to hear him.
    Beduwen recently posted..My Kid the Chinese Thug
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  3. Hubert68

    I recently saw a commercial teaser for the Honey Boo show. It featured a newborn child that was born with two thumbs on each hand…cannot help but think that this kid could potentially end up The Hairwashing Czar at some salon in the future. If anyone thinks that my humor is somewhat juvenille, you probably are right. I am the mother of five…so it’s just the crowd I run with.
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  4. Tiffany N. York

    Going to a salon, any salon always makes me feel dumpy, frumpy, and old. My hairdresser looks like Megan Fox. I avoid looking in the mirror when she’s standing behind me or else I’ll start to cry.

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  5. Nina Potts

    I make my sister cut my hair. Partly because I’m poor and she does a good job. Partly because if she messes it up I can yell at her. Also, last time I got a hairdresser I liked, when I tried to go back to her she was booked, and the manager INSISTED she cut my hair instead. And she ruined it. The followed up to try to book me with her again and wouldn’t let me see the good lady. So I gave up.
    I’m afraid to tell hairdressers when they mess up. They’re on the list of people you don’t yell at cause they can ruin your life. This list includes anyone at the bank, anyone in food service, and police.
    Nina Potts recently posted..Damn Science
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  6. Nina Potts

    Oh! I ment to mention but I got distracted by Jurassic Park, I love a good head massage. You should’ve found out her name so you can get her again.

    I had a physical therapist who gave amazing head massages for my migraines. I told her if I was single, she was single, and she went gay, I would marry her.
    Nina Potts recently posted..Damn Science
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      • Nina Potts

        I only keep dead mice in the freezer! Ok, we did finally bury the mouse, so the only thing in my freezer is ice cream and burritos. I don’t know whats in the burritos though, they’re pretty cheap and come in a big bag. For that price the burrito company might not be too picky about the quality control of their meat. You never know.
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  7. Sarah

    The first line made me smile. I am friends with my hairstylist, which means that whenever I am with her in a social situation, I feel self-conscious about how my hair looks. Because my hair is all that she thinks about, right?
    Sarah recently posted..Van Smellsing

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    • Amy Vansant

      Once again, you and I are on the same page. Despise small talk. Though I totally learned how to rock at Worlds Of Warcraft, thanks to my hairdresser, so I’ve got that in my back pocket now.
      Amy Vansant recently posted..Secrets of a Suburban Ninja

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  8. Pamela

    Your random thoughts make me laugh! Just wonder where your thoughts go to when you sleep? Would be kinda scary having them roam freely…
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  9. Brilliant hair care remedies

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