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A Saxophone Laments the End of the 80s

There was a time when I provided the soulful soundtrack to your life. Whenever a 80’s movie star stared across the ocean, deep in reflection, trying to decide if a tough, yet fashionable Miami cop could love again, I was there.  Whenever a girl with impossibly big hair leaned in for a romantic kiss, I was there.   I opened and closed every movie of your pathetic, zebra print-wearing young life.  And yet now, when you hear my mournful wail, you snort with laughter.

It’s not like I’m a goddamn Casio keyboard.  You can’t just press “Latin” and make me sing. I’m a respectable musical instrument.  Legendary greats like John Coltrane and Saxophone Colossus Sonny Rollins have danced their fingers across my keys. I bebopped with Charlie Parker. I was tight with Bird.

But do you remember the Jazz greats who played me with such skill and soul? Noooooo. When you think of me, it’s that fucking Kenny G. that springs to mind. You know he’s the biggest-selling instrumental musician of the modern era? He’s sold more than 75 million albums! Thanks to me. I brought him fame and fortune despite his horrific Weird Al hair style. Behold my power!

But still, you snicker.

You lost your virginity with “The Best of David Sanborn”  in the background, you miserable ingrate. Do you remember that? Do you?

And now my last vestage of cool has passed. The Big Man, Clarence Clemens, has shuffled off his mortal coil. Left me Dancing in the Dark. I am officially doomed to elevator Musak and weekend reruns of Turner and Hooch.

What’s a wind instrument to do?  I suppose I still have military bands on my side, but that won’t return me to my glory days. Where’s Spandau Ballet when I need them? You liked that song. You know it’s True. Unfortunately, nowadays the only place you hear a Careless Whisper from George Michael is in the men’s room at a public park. More shame is heaped upon me. When you’ve been mocked the way I have, not even INXS can Give You What You Need.

I’ll tell you what I need to do. I need to find that big shirtless guy from The Lost Boys.  Vampires are cool again, and he knew how to wail.

I bet you wouldn’t laugh at him and his enormous pecs, if he and I ran into you in a dark alley, steam rising off the rain soaked streets, a single streetlamp glowing softly overhead…

 

** After I wrote this I heard Lady GaGa’s “Edge of Glory” – with the cheesiest sax solo in YEARS. There’s hope for you yet, you saxy beast.

Amy Vansant

Voted Funniest Non-Mommy Blog by a Bunch of Moms I Got Really Drunk.Amy has been finding creative ways to make no money since high school.
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11 Responses

  1. Sherri

    Didn’t Kenny (Barf) – G play a Clarinet? But i’ll never forget the sweaty sexy hunk from The Lost Boys.

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  2. Name (Required)

    I’ve often said that I wish I had a saxaphone player to follow me around to really highlight the poignent moments of my life.
    Also one of my favorite Seinfelt episodes is the “hot & heavy” one with Elaine & the Sax player. Classic.

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      • Tracy

        I coulda got a falcon! That makes me laugh every time.

        This post is impressive. I have a pretty good memory RE: 80s music, but my mental catalogue doesn’t include whether sax was involved.
        Add your Twitter:

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  3. Jessica

    Granted I was merely a *child* of the 80’s – I was that little kid on the leash at the mall, with the 2-tone folded-over socks, the bike shorts, and the massive shoelace and/or balloon hairbow. I was always jealous of you 80’s people for whose hair there was never such a thing as “too big”, or eyeliner “too much” (though the sight of neon harem pants in target leads me to believe there is hope for me yet).

    …but good god do I remember some Kenny G. I always got him confused with Micheal Bolton because of the hair.

    Love your blog!

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  4. lafemmeroar

    I loved reading this post as it brought up so many memories. I played the flute in my high school band. Our band sucked, and people booed us, but we had an awesome saxophonist. When his solo came up people stopped and listened, then they went back to booing when the rest of “us” chimed in. Memories …
    lafemmeroar recently posted..Screwing with Words

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