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Amazon PayPhrase Gets Nasty

*NOTE: Every one of the following PayPhrase examples are actual suggestions from Amazon, which apparently hates me.

I have never been much of a “shopper.” I’d rather watch a Geico “Caveman” 24-hour marathon than go to a mall. Something about the crowds, people banging into me, that vague feeling of an impending shooting spree, the likely possibility that it will be ME perpetrating the shooting spree, the inevitable standoff with police, wondering if the news cameras will make me look fat… it is just all too much.

Now, thanks to the Internet and Amazon.com, anything more difficult than one-click instant checkout while still unshowered and in my pajamas seems like a LOT of wasted effort. And, as an extra Internet bonus, I get to suffer the humiliation of trying on new clothes in the comfort of my own home, far away from the harsh lighting, cloying salespeople and spy cameras. Now, instead of slinking out of the dressing room like a criminal after I realize the pants that looked so good on the mannequin make me look like an eggplant, I can just walk directly to my liquor cabinet and stay there until I don’t even remember what pants are.

This is why I was so shocked when Amazon recently started getting nasty with me. There I was, happily checking out — probably buying something I could have driven half a block down the street to purchase. I was probably buying something that is totally ridiculous to buy on Amazon, like lettuce or a spare human liver, but doing it anyway because I am helpless against the seduction of their one-click checkout.

That was when the “Amazon PayPhrase” featured popped up.

Amazon explained the concept to me:PayPhrase is “an easy-to-remember shortcut to shipping and payment information in your Amazon.com account. Use it for Express Checkout on Amazon.com and across the web.”

In short, PayPhrase is a unique phrase of two or more words that you can use to not only checkout on Amazon, but also use at other merchants offering the PayPhrase option. Instead of viewing your cart, picking your saved credit card, picking your delivery destination, picking your shipping method and then checking out, you can hop right from cart to final checkout confirmation by typing in your PayPhrase. Granted, Amazon already has my credit card, my delivery destinations and my shipping methods saved, so it only takes me a second to click through those screens, but now it could take MILLISECONDS for me to buy a pork loin and a pedicure. I could probably break some sort of land speed record for shopping, without even brushing my teeth.

Then ever helpful Amazon suggested a PayPhrase for me, their loyal and devoted customer:

We suggest: “Amy’s Negative Life.”

What the…  Amy’s Negative Life? Is Amazon passing judgment on my existence?

I felt sucker punched. Where did that bile come from, Amazon? What have I done to you to cause such bitter hatred? I am just trying to buy myself a Cafe Latte with extra foam and you attack me like that?

Shaken, I skipped this mean-spirited new option and checked out as usual. Maybe PayPhrase was just having a bad day.

I came back to Amazon the next evening to buy a Battle Tank. The neighborhood kids had starting whipping around on their fancy electric scooters like they owned the place, and it was time someone taught them a lesson. I bought some mace while I was at it, as it was Girl Scout Cookie season.

As I was making my way through my checkout routine, PayPhrase popped up again with another phrase I might want to use to move things along. After all, this three click to checkout dance was starting to become like writing a check in the grocery store line.

We suggest: “Amy’s Sunken Courage.”

You did not just go there. Are you calling me out, Amazon?  Are you trying to say I don’t have the balls to use PayPhrase checkout?

I began to take things personally. PayPhrase was allowed to have one cranky day, but going to checkout only to find Don Rickles, Triumph the Insult Dog or a lady from the DMV at the register every time was just not fair.

I decided to give Amazon another chance to pick a pleasant phrase for me.

We suggest: “Amy’s Suck Bravery.”

Suck Bravery? What is that? That’s not even proper English. I can’t tell if you’re telling me that I suck or if you’re calling me some kind of a dicey, thrill-seeking whore, Amazon. I have to say either option is uncalled for and rude.

We suggest “Amy’s Facial Courage.”

Ok, that clears it up. You were calling me a whore.

We suggest: “Amy’s Special Eeg.”

What the heck is an Eeg? Is it Amazon Mexico talking about my special egg? If so, why do I have a special egg? That sounds like something Of Mice and Men‘s Lennie would be carrying around after he accidentally crushed his rabbit. Or is it E-E-G, and Amazon is implying I’m going to need a brain scan when it is done with me?

We suggest: “Amy’s Clogged Courage.”

Alright. That’s it, Amazon. Meet me behind the bike racks after school, motherfucker.

We suggest: “Bravery and Homicides.”

You read my mind. Just let me one-click checkout these brass knuckles and I’ll be right there.

I hope that battle tank shows up today.


Amy Vansant

Voted Funniest Non-Mommy Blog by a Bunch of Moms I Got Really Drunk.Amy has been finding creative ways to make no money since high school.

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7 Responses

  1. urbancritter

    OK I laughed OUT LOUD at this post :-) you get a “like” on FB now!

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  2. I Write

    Tears! I tell ya-TEARS! I am still laughing. Ok, I am officially addicted to your humor! Pardon me while I wipe my eyes. Clinique mascara burns like nobody’s business! There, much better. While I have never been personally attacked like this, I share your hatred for Amazon. I recently purchased a $700 lens from an international seller, strickly because it came with the Amazon A-Z guarantee, which they were quick to email me and have as the first paragraph on said email. Anyway, guess what? The lens never showed and some dude in Italy has my $700. Amazon’s reply- we are unable to help you because your confirmation order was delivered to you without an order confirmation number. And this is my fault how?

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  3. Amy Vansant

    OW! Yikes! That’s terrible! I actually love amazon because I’m too lazy to get my credit card number when I order places and they already know it, and it saves me from shopping around for things since they sell everything from earwigs to plastic dog poo.. (which is why I so hurt when it turned on me) but if that had happened to me I’d be pretty livid too!

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  4. Frume Sarah

    Funny, funny, funny!!!! I have to admit that I’ve never really paid attention to what PayPhrase they’ve concocted for me. Think I’ll have to head over there and see if they are taking a different approach today.

    In any event, this was a great post and I’m looking forward to reading more. I got here via Red Dress Club ;)

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  5. Lorelai Leigh

    Oh, my dear and fluffy Lord! I laughed so hard there might have been snorting.

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