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Candy Crush is Stealing my Family

Candy Crush is the worst thing to happen to human interaction since the printing press.

Candy CrushRemember my sister-in-law Heather? Gosh she was a great gal. She’s gone now.  I mean, she’s sitting right next to me, but she hasn’t taken her eyes off her phone in six months. All her interpersonal relationships have been Candy Crushed.

“How’s your drink?” I ask her.

“Tasty,” responds a baritone. I’m pretty sure that’s Candy Crush talking, but honestly, maybe Heather does sound like lumberjack. I don’t remember.

She started with Facebook games. Planting fields and tending to virtual animals seemed harmless. But before long she was embroiled in Mafia Wars, whacking people left and right.  We barely brought her back from the brink of a Bejeweled Blitz before Candy Crushed her.

I ask Heather a question to try engage her in conversation. The only response is my own phone chiming an alert. It’s Heather. She just sent me a game request from SongPop. I choose ’80s music to send her “Missin’ You” by John Waite. In return, she chooses the same and I hear  Bow Wow Wow’s “I Want Candy” begin to play.

She’s starting to arrange socks in her kids’ drawers by color.

I just found out my brother is playing Candy Crush and paying for upgrades. My brother, who majored in stealing cable. A man so cheap, he wouldn’t pay to fix the heater in the car used by his wife and young daughters. Instead, he swapped cars with them and froze hit nuts off on the way to work every day. “Hell, it’s almost spring,” he said, pulling a Cinderella comforter tightly around his shoulders.

But restrict his daily limit Candy Crush games? Suddenly, he’s makin’ it rain.

When I told my mother this, she said: “Oh, we love Candy Crush!”

Dad nodded so enthusiastically I thought he might snap his neck.

“We’re on level 50!” he said. I hadn’t seen him that proud since the Flyers won the Stanley Cup.

World War Z is coming, but the Zombies will just be normal people who can’t remove their eyes from their phones.

My phone alert blares. Temporarily out of Candy Crush lives, Heather is requesting to play SongPop.  She’s chosen Country Music.

“You’re turning into a Candy Crush zombie!” I scream at her.

“Here’s a Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares” begins to play.

Amy Vansant

Voted Funniest Non-Mommy Blog by a Bunch of Moms I Got Really Drunk.Amy has been finding creative ways to make no money since high school.

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16 Responses

  1. cj

    Amy! So many hysterical line from which to choose, but my fave is: “Dad nodded so enthusiastically I thought he might snap his neck.”. Tom Hanks Big laugh there! I had a dad use up half their kid’s guitar lesson explaining the virtues of Candy Crush to me, a man who uses a Kyocera Brio with no internet capability. Great stuff.
    cj recently posted..Be a Crybaby and Miss Out on the Good Life

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  2. Jen

    Candy Crush… where do I start? I was bored one Saturday afternoon, and I I decided to see what the fuss was about. Fast forward two months, 64 levels later, with my addiction passed on to my husband and my mother).

    I have curtailed my crushing of candies to bathroom time. I have been stuck on level 65 for weeks.

    Meanwhile, Hubs of mine is somewhere around level 116. I’ve lost count. When he’s not on his laptop, his face is lost behind his iPhone, crushing away.

    I miss him.

    Meanwhile, my mother continues to announce her achievements on Facebook so many times a day that I wonder if she does anything else.

    I hate this game, and that’s why I love this post.
    Jen recently posted..The Hoare Gets Deep: How Social Media Can Ruin A Relationship

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    • Diana

      I’m only on level 75 or 76 (I forget) but I REFUSE to pay a dime for this. I love that you said you torture yourself till you figure it out. Me too.

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  3. Dale

    OMG! I am killing myself laughing here. You are hilarious… definitely gonna have to check your other writings… I so have to share this with my family (who are ALL addicted to one game or another…)
    Add your Twitter:

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  4. Tovah

    I think that I’m missing out. I did download the app, but this game just really makes me irritated. Also, I can never even get one game completed in time.

    Anyway, I’ve moved on to Words With Friends and that gets me up about 20 times a month.lol.
    Tovah recently posted..THANK YOU MORLO!!!!

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