There’s no reason to be ashamed. A niece infestation can happen to anyone. It doesn’t mean you’re dirty. You just left the door unlocked and now the little buggers are everywhere.
Often the first sign of a niece infestation is the beeping of a large mini-van backing into your driveway bearing bumper stickers that boast “Soccer Moms Rock!” or “Mom’s Taxi” or “My Other Car is a Box of Franzia.” Nieces are hoarders by nature and always arrive with several hundred suitcases filled with cosmetics, clothing changes, salon-worthy assortments of nail polish, bracelet braiding looms, bottles of glitter and phone charging paraphernalia. Don’t worry that you’ll lose the nieces once they enter your home; they leave an ever-broadening trail of shoes, socks, backpacks and hair ties that you can use to track them. You don’t have to be Rambo to hunt a niece in your home. Though sometimes the idea of Rambo hunting a niece in your home makes you smile.
Look for evidence of Solo cups half-filled with soda and sports drinks scattered on every possible surface. If you find completely empty Solo cups, odds are this is not a niece infestation. Take a quick sniff; if it smells like beer, you may have a brother-in-law infestation instead. (See: Makers-Mark-shot bait and spring-loaded beef jerky traps).
Your floors will be covered in a sticky substance, and you may find yourself trapped in a kitchen-wide glue trap. Gently peel your feet from the floor. No one, not top scientists and least of all the nieces, will be able to identify what this substance is or who put it there. “The Sticky” creates itself spontaneously, like sun showers, puppy love, and those four additional cars at the CVS drive-up prescription lane that magically appear before you can screech on two wheels into the queue. One niece may suggest a Ghostbusters “Slimer” ghost is the culprit. Make a note that this niece is the smart-ass. Watch her.
All televisions in your home, upon activation, will immediately blast Nickelodeon. It doesn’t matter if the last thing you remember watching is House of Cards or that the nieces have only been in your home for two minutes.
Banisters and the back of every chair will be covered by coats and sweat jackets. Nieces often travel with several sizes and weights of overcoats in case they grow a size over the weekend.
Help! I Think I Have Nieces. What Should I Do?
1. Be sure to immediately charge your phone or other mobile devices. All sockets will soon be occupied and your chargers will be swept up and carried away inside soccer shorts when the nieces depart.
2. Take a shower. All the towels in your home will soon be fashioned into a damp nest, balled in the corner of your guest room, like Amphibian Big Bird has taken roost.
3. Shove all the chocolate in your home into your face before it disappears forever. I cannot stress this enough.
4. Unless you like waking up every day at 3 am to the sound of a girl repeatedly screaming “I am awesome!” Lock Your Phone. Don’t pretend you know how to make the alarm stop. You didn’t even know it could do that.
Can I Use Bait Traps?
Yes. Leaving piles of Hershey bars or cans of icing will distract the nieces long enough to stop the spread of paraphernalia temporarily, but is not an effective way to remove them from your home. Quite the opposite.
If things become unbearable, turn towards the other room (a television will be playing there) and scream. “OMG is that BIEBER??”
How Can I Get Rid of These Things?!
Luckily, nieces always have a sporting or school event no more than one or two days away. They’ll need to leave to attend.
After Effects of a Niece Infestation
Even after an effective fumigation, all televisions will periodically revert to SpongeBob SquarePants for up to one week.
Your credit card company will contact you to confirm sizable orders from Pizza Hut and something called “Delias.com.” Remember that you were drinking when the nieces asked if they could buy a t-shirt or two.
If you are confused about what a “Delias.com” is, wait one week. You will receive 400 catalogs that explain the situation and just how badly you screwed the pooch on that one. Make a mental note not to drink next time the nieces visit. Then laugh hysterically, because that is just ridiculous.
Your phone camera’s memory will be filled with selfies featuring the goofiest faces you’ve ever seen in your life. It will take approximately four solid days of deleting to remove them.
I know you locked your phone.
It doesn’t matter.
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