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What are Down Pillows? A Goose’s Final Revenge

Subtitle: Down Pillows are a Pottery Barn Conspiracy to Kill Us

Mike and I had store credit with Pottery Barn, because we’re good little furniture sheep and we do what the relentless stream of mail catalogs tell us to do. We were pawing through the Pottery Barn web site, looking for a way to spend our bounty.  Web shopping was our only option, because I’d rather listen to Angelina Jolie tell me my husband and she are “just friends” than shop at an actual store. It was tough, because we only had about $100, which at Pottery Barn will get you a salt cellar shaped like a wheelbarrow or a candle that smells like Martha Stewart’s disappointed sighs. Nothing useful.

WANTED: Fairy for part time salt cellar pusher.

FULL DISCLOSURE ALERT: In all honesty, I did not realize they really HAD salt cellars shaped like wheelbarrows or I SO would have gotten those. I have an unnatural love for salt cellars. I’m not sure why… probably because I love salt and think it should be lovingly displayed in impractical and whimsical vessels pushed around the table by enslaved fairies. My friends could NEVER top that. “Sure the quiche was fantastic,” they would say at every other dinner party, “but it isn’t like she had slave fairies like Amy…”

Eventually, Mike and I found down pillows. They sounded like a luxury.

“Ooh! Down Pillows!” I squealed. “That’s a THING right? People on The TV always say things like “down pillows” and then the other people say things like “OOh!” and make happy rolling-eyes-in-ecstasy faces.”

To which Mike said something like: *silence*

So we ordered two down pillows.

When the pillows finally arrived, they seemed nice and fluffy. I flopped on the bed and pressed my head against one and pretended I was sleeping beauty’s sister with the “good personality.”

Then, we actually tried to sleep on them.

Apparently, down pillows are fairy tale pillows because they are actually made by Snow White’s Dwarfs. Every day, Pottery Barn ogres send out the Dwarfs with pillow cases to fill with pine needles, sticks, rocks and hate, and then they ship them off to idiots who grew up hearing that down pillows are amazing.

1. Guaranteed hypoallergenic.
2. Absorbent enough to wick away the copious amounts of blood spilling from your perforated face.
3. Do not taunt happy fun pillow.

While it should be a mathamatical impossibility, my pillow had every freaking feather stem sticking directly into my face. Somehow the inside of the pillow had become sentient and rolled itself into a hedgehog-like ball, with all the quills embedded in my cheeks and the soft parts snuggled somewhere deep in the center where I would never find them.

I kept the “Goose’s Revenge” pillows, but put an old normal pillow on top of them to keep from further aerating my face.

When my mother-in-law came to visit, she dragged us to Target, where I bought some plain, firm, no-discernible-animal-parts contained, pillows.

Somewhere, a gaggle of  bald geese are laughing.

Amy Vansant

Voted Funniest Non-Mommy Blog by a Bunch of Moms I Got Really Drunk.Amy has been finding creative ways to make no money since high school.

19 Responses

  1. Christina

    Ugh sounds like they sold you down and feather pillows. 100% goose down pillows are great (until/unless one explodes and then you essentially must move or consent to a lifelong feather remediation).

    Can you return the pillows and go for the wheelbarrows? They sound so much more useful. And yes, this is the type of conversation that one could only have about PB. (Insert smell of Martha’s disappointment here!)

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    • Amy Vansant

      OOOH…. well that would explain that. I was completely baffled why anyone would want the experience of having the declaration of independence signed on their face while they are sleeping.

      I have a feeling they don’t want USED pillows back.. which is probably a good thing.
      Amy Vansant recently posted..Why You Shouldn’t Mix Manhattans with Wine

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  2. christina

    LOL I’m sure they don’t want them back but if they misled you into thinking that those were 100% down or worse charged you for 100% down and sent you one of their Down and Feather pillow inserts then they should take them back and give you a refund despite the fact that the pillows can’t be resold…

    Good luck and I’m happy you didn’t lose an eye!
    christina recently posted..Custom pints

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  3. Tressa

    Christina is right. Down feathers are awesome and not at all poky. Also, any feather pillow that pokes you is sucky made.

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  4. Kristen

    Holy crap am I glad you wrote about this…I would totally buy a “blend” because it contains the almight goose down!!! Lesson learned. Thanks to everyone else who knows better and chimed in!
    Kristen recently posted..Something ELSE to do with Vodka

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    • Amy Vansant

      Yes, double that – thanks to those people who set me straight! Who knew there was a “heaven” pillow and a “we want to rip your face off” version. I feel like such a SILLY GOOSE. HA! Get it!
      Ok I’ll hit myself, you don’t have to.

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  5. Pam

    You can buy covers for your pillows so the feathers don’t poke through. Some poor bird had a miserable plucking experience over said pillow. 100% down pillows are a true treat…but I am allergic to them. Hope you aren’t,

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  6. Jen

    First of all, I did not know that those little open air vessels for gourmet sea salt were called “cellars.” I, too, would have totally bought the little wheelbarrow. In fact, I may just have to go online and buy that. It always kind of creeps me out to leave anything to be ingested out, uncovered, for weeks on end. So, maybe I won’t get it.
    On another note, down pillows suck. Inevitably, the feathers weedle themselves out. If you don’t keep up on the vacuuming it looks like someone’s killing birds in your house.
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  7. Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd

    My mom and I have a fun game – she keeps buying stuff that is filled with down and I keep getting sinus infections. Then, I try and figure out whether something is down, but she has removed the tags. “Down makes the baby Jesus frown.” I’m pretty sure that’s in the bible.
    Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Product Review: My Keys
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  8. Déva

    UGH! I just found this blog while googling about my expensive Pottery Barn Feather Pillos, which are trying to kill me. I have ordered replacements from Target at 20% of the cost and with much better reviews! I am SO TIRED of having my back shredded every time I sit on my sofa. The feathers scratch and make me itch to boot!

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