Every other week Marvel or DC Comics has a new superhero movie; young Batman, goofy Batman, moody Batman, old Batman… but people, save your money. There are superheroes all around us! Such as…
You’re trying to self-checkout at the food store when that miserable mechanical shrew says: “Please wait. Assistance is required with this item.”
Noooo! you silently scream. You know how to buy turkey bacon. Seriously, do you LOOK like someone who doesn’t know how to buy turkey bacon?!
But now the screen is frozen and the loser location light above your head is blinking. Women stare at you with pity and run to save themselves. The man behind you huffs like you did something wrong. You crane your neck, looking for help, exaggerating your annoyance so that everyone can see that the stupid machine is the villain.
Then there he is! Your eyes meet. He nods, and lightening fast – just as soon as he’s done replacing a Snickers that fell from the candy display – he comes to you, holding aloft his all-powerful, magic swipe card. With a swipe the scanner unlocks! Super Swipe punches in the magic code and… you are free to place your item on the belt!
…On the BELT!
YO. PUT IT ON THE BELT.
No, that didn’t work… I know it is a melon and it rolls, but did you put it on the belt? Try putting it on the belt…
And then Super Swipe is gone, off to attend to the four other blinking lights and their matching panicked shoppers. His work is never done. Especially since they change the whole damn system every six months.
You didn’t plan on shopping this week. In fact, you bought a lifetime supply of nearly everything in the world the last time you went out, just to avoid going back. But then, it hits you at the worst possible moment: you forgot to buy toilet paper. Your blood runs cold.
But wait! You still have several boxes of tissue. You do the math in your head: You could last another day and a half. There will be rationing, of course. You make a note to feed the husband cheese. That’s binding.
You jump online and order toilet paper. And a book. And a pressure cooker. And what the heck you’re running a little low on shampoo, too. Doesn’t matter, shipping is free, throw in a pack of socks and pretty red spatula you didn’t even realize you needed.
A day and a half later he is at your door, He blows into your life on a magic zephyr and/or big brown truck. He is the man with the cute knobbly knees poking out below those unnecessarily tight shorts. That man knows how to bring the goods. That man is reliable. He is… Delivery Dude.
“Lots of presents today!” he says.
“Lucky me!” you chirp back. “It’s not even my birthday!”
He chuckles. You have literally made that same joke 45 previous times, and he still chuckles.
What a man.
The Waver is a shape-shifter. A chameleon. Sometimes Wonder Waver is a woman in a Christmas sweater, sometimes a man with a comb-over. But as an aggressive driver, you’ve can spot Wonder Waver in any of her many forms.
Wonder Waver‘s car isn’t fancy. She’s not out to prove anything. When the line of backed-up traffic inches forward, she’s slow to hit the gas. She leaves a gap between her car and the one in front of her. It is ephemeral, this glorious gap, but you are a hunter. You spot it from several cars back in the line and then, as the on-ramp opens up beside you, you make your move. You bump out, and blend with the merging line of cars new to this gridlocked nightmare. You ride the shoulder as far as you can go, until…
Wonder Waver has left a gap between herself and the car in front of her. You nose in front of her at the last possible second, making your intentions clear. She stops. She waves you in. And just like that, you are seven cars forward in the line. This will shave nearly 15 seconds off your trip.
Thank you, Wonder Waver, and your magnificent type-B personality.
You don’t want to work. At all. But what could justify not working when there is work to be done? You’ve written all your personal emails. You’ve already seen the pictures of your Facebook friend’s kids jumping in the pool. You know Janice has decided to try that new summer hairdo, and while you’re on pins and needles to see the forthcoming selfie from that salon visit (you’re pretty sure it will make her look older than you) it could be a while. You’ve picked through all the photos of kittens and rainbows and waves and the corresponding inspirational messages done in interesting font faces. It’s been established that it is “crazy hot outside.”
But wait – what is this? A link to an article “63 photos of Muppets with Human Hands Accidentally Swearing in Sign-Language?” That will take at least a good 20 minutes to fully enjoy. Facebooker Fantastik has come to your rescue with the perfect link to an article that will kill a good part of your day! And there is no doubt that that article will be surrounded by other fascinating links to articles! This could kill a week!
No fear of work being done today, my friend! You have been saved by Facebooker Fantastik!
Not sure you like your outfit? Worried you’re gaining weight? Think your career might be careening towards a dead end?
Ask The Fawner. The Fawner will tell you exactly why your outfit is perfect. She’ll tell you that you look fantastic and that you are a fool to think otherwise. Fat? You have got to be kidding. You’re not fat. In fact, you need to eat something. You’re fading away! And your job? For the love of Pete, your job is just fine! At least you’re not Kathy’s daughter. You know how Kathy was just bragging about how her daughter was going to be the next Vice President of Sales? How her new boss loved her work? Well guess who just got fired. Yep. Kathy’s daughter is unemployed. Kathy’s daughter wishes she had your job.
Do you recognize The Fawner? You might know her by her “Clark Kent” name.
Latest posts by Amy Vansant (see all)
- I Miss Out on a Great Disease - November 18, 2014
- Personalized Photo Holiday Card Ideas for People Without a Bunch of Adorable Children - November 3, 2014
- Top Five Matthew McConaughey Halloween Costume Ideas & Jim Carrey SNL Spoof - October 27, 2014