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How to Fight Aging

Sharing a post from my friend and super talented funny lady Molly Schoemann-McCann, first posted on Happy Woman…you can read Molly regularly on the Barnes & Noble book blog and all sorts of other places! (Bio below)

how to fight agingHow to Fight Aging

One of the biggest problems with living is that it ages you. Every second of every day, you are literally becoming older and losing your attractiveness. You may also be gaining wisdom and insight, but last time I checked, those things don’t tone your upper arms. While you may possess a multitude of scintillating qualities, flab and wrinkles are the easiest to spot. Sadly, you can’t flaunt your life experience from across the room at a cocktail party, or put a push-up bra on your integrity.

The bad news is that you can’t technically halt the aging process. The march of time is of course relentless and inescapable. The good news is that modern science has blessed us with a great many expensive and difficult solutions to the unsolvable problem of aging. So be a good sport, and consider a few of our suggestions. Look on the bright side-it’s easy to get so caught up in desperately fighting the effects of aging that you soon forget that your efforts are ultimately pointless!

Without further ado (since reading gives you crows-feet) here are some handy tips for reversing the aging process:

No Laughing Matter

Whoever said “laughter is the best medicine” probably had a face like ET’s elbow. The only thing laughter will ultimately get you is the fear-laced laughter of others, who are chuckling only because screaming is impolite. While it has long been lauded for tightening the abs (far better done at the gym anyway), and releasing tension (but tension keeps you young!) laughter also contributes to the deepening of lines around the eyes and mouth. You can call them “laugh lines”, but the joke’s on you, Wrinkles McHideous.

Keep a Straight Face

You may be surprised at how detrimental facial expressions are to your quality of skin-and thus your quality of life. A friendly smile here, an anxious glance there-those superfluous actions add up. Every flicker of emotion that passes across your face takes its toll-and most of them are completely unnecessary when it comes to getting your point across. Unless it’s the triumphant feeling of “It’s my 20 year high school reunion and I just got carded at the door!”, most feelings you have can be easily summed up by jotting them down on a post-it note, which can be presented to the necessary party. Not only that, but the by-products of emotional expression often include messy substances like tears, which deplete your system of vital nutrients like salt and self-pity.

H2-No!

Dehydration is another key factor in the fight against aging. While the constant consumption of liquids is often encouraged by clueless doctors and experts, drinking water leaves you bloated and puffy by causing your cells to swell unattractively with life-sustaining fluid. The human body can survive for nearly seven days without liquid-did you think it was a coincidence that that’s the same length of time as Fashion Week?

Always remember: You can never be too thin or look too young. Dream big! It’s one thing to have a bartender ask you for ID when you’ve been drinking legally for years. The bigger victory is to have him ask you suspiciously if your parents know where you are. Only then will you know you’ve made it, and that that moment was worth every sacrifice. As we all know, vanity is its own reward.

Molly Schoemann

Molly Schoemann is a humorist from NYC. Her work has appeared in McSweeney's Internet Tendency, The Barnes & Noble Review and The Rumpus. To date, her face looks more like E.T.'s knee than his elbow. She considers this to be progress.

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