*Lucky Penny must be found in the heads up position for activation of good luck. Any luck received from a tails-up penny is purely coincidental. Tails-up pennies are retrieved at your own risk, and serve only to set into motion the gears of your inevitable death. Upright Lucky Pennies are just fucking with you.
Lucky Pennies provide luck exclusively in their native lands. Foreign penny luck may only be transferred or traded with foreigners for shells, Christmas ornaments, human trafficking and one-trick ponies (ponies with more than one trick not included). Scottish pennies are not lucky if clenched in the fingers of the angry Scotsman lying next to it. Canadian pennies given as tips are about as lucky as you’re going to get.
If you step in front of a train, Lucky Penny does not guarantee you will survive. Lucky Penny will not admit to urging you toward the edge of the tracks. Lucky Penny is not responsible for the things you thought you heard it whisper in the dead of night.
Lucky Penny is not sanitized for your protection, and is by definition a dirty piece of road trash.
Calling Lucky Penny a “dirty piece of road trash” renders all luck services null and void. Lucky Penny has feelings, too, and may lash out. Lucky Penny is seeing a counselor about these sudden rages and would appreciate it if you got off his fucking back about it.
Lucky Penny would like to point out that nobody has ever heard of a “Lucky Quarter” and Dime can kiss his shiny copper ass.
No shirt, no shoes – Lucky Penny cannot get you service.
Lucky Penny’s strength may be enhanced by rubbing it against a Buddha belly, but is not guaranteed. Rubbing Lucky Penny on the belly of your fat cousin Steve while he is sleeping has no effect other than making his high, freeloading buddies giggle uncontrollably.
Holding Lucky Penny may induce an uncontrollable urge to see films directed by Penny Marshall. Lucky Penny has seen “Big” 13,234 times.
Lucky Penny is not to be offered for someone’s “thoughts.” Lucky Penny finds this degrading, isn’t interested in your thoughts, opinions or feelings and thinks you’re getting pretty big for your britches to think otherwise. What are you? “Captain Introspection?” Piss off.
Void where prohibited.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: I would like to announce I am going to pull back on the literary fiction. The people have spoken. I started a little campaign to get published on just about every literary fiction site out there and watched as every publication and subsequent reposting here sent my blog views and subscriptions into a nosedive. Turns out everyone loves getting published on literary fiction sites, but no one actually reads them. Who knew. So, I’m going back to writing about being kid-free, drinking wine, idle hands/devil workshops, yaddah yaddah. That being said… this piece ran on Feathertale.com. It’s short. And it’s funny without taking itself too seriously I think, so…forgive me.