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You give me a vibrating feeling in my groin, baby.

vibrating feeling in my groinNobody ever sang, “You give me a vibrating feeling in my groin.”

I don’t like to talk about nether regions. To be honest, I still haven’t totally come to grips with the fact I have any, but this might help someone and it was pretty funny.

The other day I was standing at the door waiting for the dog, when I felt a vibrating feeling in my groin. A buzzing against my pubic bone. It was like I had put my phone on vibrate and then, realizing I had no pockets, stuffed it down the front of my underpants like any other normal human being. Except I didn’t have my phone.

The feeling was intermittent, almost like a frayed wire that kept trying to make a connection. It didn’t hurt. It didn’t feel, uh, sexy. It was just annoying.

I mentioned it to Mike when we went to walk the dog.

“You have a buzzing coochie?” he asked.

I realized I had made a huge mistake sharing with Mike. I know better. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking.

“Not my coochie,” I said, trying to nip that whole line of mirth in the bud. “It’s on my pubic bone. It’s a vibrating feeling in my groin.”

“You’re a girl. You don’t have a groin.”

“Yes I do.”

He groaned. “Does this mean I’m gay?”


“Should I take you to the ER? It could be an aneurysm in your ventricle.”

“It isn’t an aneurysm in my ventricle. Ventricles are in the heart.”

“Then it could be a clot in your aorta…”

“Again, heart. I’m fine!” It doesn’t hurt! I just… have a bumblebee in my pants.”

And then I snorted like a 5 year-old and we both cackled. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.

Mike has a song from his childhood, sung to the tune of “If You’re Happy and You Know It” that goes:

There’s a skeeter on my peter, get it off!
There’s a skeeter on my peter, get it off!
There’s a skeeter on my peter, there’s a skeeter on my peter, there’s a skeeter on my peter… Get it off!

So after I yelled at him for five straight minutes to shut up about my buzzing coochie, he began quietly singing.

There’s a bumblebee on my coochie, get it off…

Which I suppose I deserved.

Mike is an equal opportunity hypochondriac, so he started pushing me to call every woman I know and find out if they had ever had a buzzing coochie. Like there was a secret buzzing coochie society to which I could now join. When he threatened to discuss it with his mother and aunt, I broke down and called my mother, who also laughed at me.

“I’m jealous!” she said, giggling her ass off.

“Ok. Now have to spend the rest of the day pretending I didn’t hear that.”

Googling “vibrating feeling in my groin” isn’t usually the best idea.

But it turns out I did not get bombarded with porn. Google’s gotten pretty good at that lately (though I still chose not to call this post “there’s a bumble bee on my coochie” just to be safe.) I did find out there were a LOT of message boards out there with women and men complaining of a vibrating feeling in their groin. The answers ranged wildly, from diabetes to pinched nerves to yeast infections. Blech.

The Solution: There’s a vibrating feeling in my groinno more!

I found my cure, accidentally.

I was sitting on the sofa and the buzzing started up again. I tilted my head back in exasperation… and it stopped.

I brought my head back up, buzzing. Tilted back, stopped. As predictable as a light switch.

If moving my spine could start and stop it, it had to be a pinched nerve.

So, I lie face down on the ground and suffered through a few minutes of Mike doing everything he could think of to be annoying — playing patty-cake on my back, pretending to hump me, trying to grope side boob — before he finally cracked my back for me. Just pushed on either side of my spine.  *crack!*

After that it still buzzed for a minute, but then stopped for good.

So, I’m not a doctor, but for what it is worth, I hope this helps someone with a bumble bee on their crotch. There’s a good chance you have a pinched nerve. Hopefully, you have an incredibly immature mate to crack you. Protect your side boob.

And remember kids: Never tell your goofy ass husband you have a buzzing coochie.

Amy Vansant

Amy Vansant

Voted Funniest Non-Mommy Blog by a Bunch of Moms I Got Really Drunk.Amy has been finding creative ways to make no money since high school.
Amy Vansant

16 Responses

  1. Valencia

    Good, good, good, good vibrations!!!! Your stories are always so great. I needed that laugh ;-D


    • Geo

      OMG just before reading this I relieved the cellphone like buzz at my right testicle by pulling in my chin and straightening my neck like standing at attention. To my surprise, that absolutely stops the sensation. Tilting my head forward to look at my laptop screen starts the buzzing again. Well at least I know it’s coming from the cervical spine and not a scarey problem in the groin.


  2. Lugh

    Huh. I had this same problem about a month ago. It lasted a couple weeks for me. I just noticed that it went away when I moved my monitors to relieve all the tension in my neck and shoulders.

    And I am a man, so I totally have a groin.
    Add your Twitter:


  3. Damien

    Holy crap – totally commiserate with using good ole Dr. Google – what a MAJOR mistake. And one that I have made once every three weeks for the last seven years.

    Highlights include:
    Red spots in underarm = throat cancer
    Tender testicles = prostate cancer
    Dark poop = stomach cancer

    I’m sensing a theme…
    Damien recently posted..World War Zuh?


  4. Tammy

    Oh my goodness! Moving my neck changes the vibration tempo. I too googled the strange feeling and was surprised that so many have had this problem. I LMAO @ your hubby’s antics. I thought for a moment I was ready about my own silly hubby. Funny! Funny!


  5. heather

    I just want to say thank you. It has happened in the past before but never for 3 days strait. It was getting really annoying. I did just start working out again so a pinched nerve did sound plausable. I tried your method and it was effective. THANK YOU!



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