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You give me a vibrating feeling in my groin, baby.

vibrating feeling in my groinNobody ever sang, “You give me a vibrating feeling in my groin.”

I don’t like to talk about nether regions. To be honest, I still haven’t totally come to grips with the fact I have any, but this might help someone and it was pretty funny.

The other day I was standing at the door waiting for the dog, when I felt a vibrating feeling in my groin. A buzzing against my pubic bone. It was like I had put my phone on vibrate and then, realizing I had no pockets, stuffed it down the front of my underpants like any other normal human being. Except I didn’t have my phone.

The feeling was intermittent, almost like a frayed wire that kept trying to make a connection. It didn’t hurt. It didn’t feel, uh, sexy. It was just annoying.

I mentioned it to Mike when we went to walk the dog.

“You have a buzzing coochie?” he asked.

I realized I had made a huge mistake sharing with Mike. I know better. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking.

“Not my coochie,” I said, trying to nip that whole line of mirth in the bud. “It’s on my pubic bone. It’s a vibrating feeling in my groin.”

“You’re a girl. You don’t have a groin,” said Mike.

“Yes I do.”

Mike groaned. “Does this mean I’m gay?”

“EVERYONE HAS A GROIN!” I screamed.

“Should I take you to the ER?” he asked. “It could be an aneurysm in your ventricle.”

“It isn’t an aneurysm in my ventricle,” I sighed. “Ventricles are in the heart.”

“Then it could be a clot in your aorta…”

“Again, heart. I’m fine!” It doesn’t hurt!” I said.  “I just… have a bumblebee in my pants.”

And then I snorted like a 5 year-old and we both cackled. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

Mike has a song from his childhood, sung to the tune of “If You’re Happy and You Know It” that goes:

There’s a skeeter on my peter, get it off!
There’s a skeeter on my peter, get it off!
There’s a skeeter on my peter, there’s a skeeter on my peter, there’s a skeeter on my peter… Get it off!

So after I yelled at him for five straight minutes to shut up about my buzzing coochie, he began quietly singing.

There’s a bumblebee on my coochie, get it off…

Which I suppose I deserved.

Mike is an equal opportunity hypochondriac, so he started pushing me to call every woman I know and find out if they had ever had a buzzing coochie. Like there was a secret buzzing coochie society to which I could now join. When he threatened to discuss it with his mother and aunt, I broke down and called my mother, who also laughed at me.

“I’m jealous!” she said, giggling her ass off.

“Ok,” I said. “Now have to spend the rest of the day pretending I didn’t hear that.”

Googling “vibrating feeling in my groin” isn’t usually the best idea.

But it turns out I did not get bombarded with porn. Google’s gotten pretty good at that lately (though I still chose not to call this post “there’s a bumble bee on my coochie” just to be safe.) I did find out there were a LOT of message boards out there with women and men complaining of a vibrating feeling in their groin. The answers ranged wildly, from diabetes to pinched nerves to yeast infections. Blech.

The Solution: There’s a vibrating feeling in my groinno more!

I found my cure, accidentally.

I was sitting on the sofa and the buzzing started up again. I tilted my head back in exasperation… and it stopped.

I brought my head back up, buzzing. Tilted back, stopped. As predictable as a light switch.

If moving my spine could start and stop it, it had to be a pinched nerve.

So, I lie face down on the ground and suffered through a few minutes of Mike doing everything he could think of to be annoying — playing patty-cake on my back, pretending to hump me, trying to grope side boob — before he finally cracked my back for me. Just pushed on either side of my spine.  *crack!*

After that it still buzzed for a minute, but then stopped for good.

So, I’m not a doctor, but for what it is worth, I hope this helps someone with a bumble bee on their crotch. There’s a good chance you have a pinched nerve. Hopefully, you have an incredibly immature mate to crack you. Protect your side boob.

And remember kids: Never tell your goofy ass husband you have a buzzing coochie.

Amy Vansant

Voted Funniest Non-Mommy Blog by a Bunch of Moms I Got Really Drunk.Amy has been finding creative ways to make no money since high school.

10 Responses

  1. Valencia

    Good, good, good, good vibrations!!!! Your stories are always so great. I needed that laugh ;-D

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  2. Lugh

    Huh. I had this same problem about a month ago. It lasted a couple weeks for me. I just noticed that it went away when I moved my monitors to relieve all the tension in my neck and shoulders.

    And I am a man, so I totally have a groin.
    Add your Twitter:

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  3. Damien

    Holy crap – totally commiserate with using good ole Dr. Google – what a MAJOR mistake. And one that I have made once every three weeks for the last seven years.

    Highlights include:
    Red spots in underarm = throat cancer
    Tender testicles = prostate cancer
    Dark poop = stomach cancer

    I’m sensing a theme…
    Damien recently posted..World War Zuh?

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