I didn’t wake up thinking “I just HAVE to write about men’s deodorant today!” but Mike was shopping around for a body wash and stumbled upon the Old Spice Wild Collection and we ended up laughing our asses off for the next ten minutes. This isn’t a paid post. I just love good advertising, and by ‘good,’ nine times out of ten I mean ‘funny.’ The other 10% I mean crying my eyes out as a dying father leaves a note for his son or a puppy gets older and you know that bundle of fur and love is about to pull a Marley & Me. (spoiler alert.)
The Old Spice Wild Collection Descriptions
There are three animals in the Old Spice Wild Collection: Wolfthorn, Hawkridge and Foxcrest. Mike got Hawkridge, and it is a little perfumy maybe, but not bad at all. Plus, every time he uses it I get to go CAAAAW! CAAAAW! (like a hawk, not a crow, but I can’t figure out how to spell a hawk noise.)
Here are the various funny bits I collected from their site and on Amazon – as well as the hilarious Old Spice Wild Collection videos.
Old Spice Wild Collection Wolfthorn:
The night is full of romantic mysteries, but none of them are more romantically mysterious than the mystery of the prowling wolf. Add thorns and you have Wolfthorn, the sharpest romantic mystery available in a smelling solution. “Nocturnal” is just a word that explains some animals’ eating habits-that is, until you cover your body in nocturnal wafts of Old Spice Wolfthorn. Then “nocturnal” explains the time of day you will be sipping dark hot chocolates with northern beauties while reminiscing about what a wonderful time you just had at the secret hot springs earlier that day with the northern beauties we talked about earlier in this sentence.
In the realm of animals and men known as earth, there is one animal intelligent enough to smell like the most fearsomely handsome animal of them all, and that is the man, who smells like the wolf would if a wolf smelled like a handsome man. That’s just the way things go in the realm I’m talking about.
- In the world of good smellingness, Wolfthorn is the Presidentlord.
- Who knew the Wild scent of Wolfthorn Body Wash could help to battle stinky body problems? Maybe Aristotle or talking owls knew, but definitely not regular people or dumb owls.
Old Spice Wild Collection Hawkridge:
Old Spice Wild Collection – Hawkridge can never be owned; it can only be rented out to any man who desires the attention of a woman. This makes Hawkridge the winged landlord of all romantic conquest. But don’t worry, it’s one of those landlords that lives in outer space and never just “stops by” to make sure the refrigerator has been cleaned.
There are three scents in the world guaranteed to make men into handsome gentlemen of nonstop romantic successes. All three of those scents were outsmarted by a complicated Trojan-horse scheme and then eaten by Hawkridge. Hawkridge now wields all their smells combined to incite in females an unstoppable rampage of tender compliments and face caresses that all men would consider successful.
There is a mountain in a field of mountains known as Hawkridge. It is shrouded in alluring mists that smell like WWII love letters. It’s the epicenter of all romantic adventure and is commonly called the most desirable mountain on earth. That’s why smart businesspeople ground up the mountain into a fine powder and put it into this packaged good-scent product for you to place in your armpit area.
- Prepare to be kissed on the beak of man power.
- Hawkridge effortlessly soars in the sky with confidence and sophistication.
- For guys with swift minds.
- Answer the smell of the wild.
- When your body flesh is covered in Hawkridge Body Wash, there is nothing for women to do but smell the tingly freedom song of a raptor lullaby and accept that science cannot explain the feeling in their hearts.
Old Spice Wild Collection – Foxcrest was designed in an ancient lab of hyperintelligent druids to use the power of wild cunning to melt the hearts of lady women into a chocolate syrup with a hint of cinnamon. This syrup was then stirred into the smallest shot glass of 2% milk and fed to the head druid. It was a scientific breakthrough that is not practiced today because of modern women’s rights. But that original druid elixir algorithm has been tweaked and reworked to produce the Foxcrest that we have today, protecting the women’s hearts from being melted into a warm drink and instead subjecting them to uncontrollable romantic desires.
Scientists once believed that the scent most pleasurable to a woman was an old leather medicine ball soaked in champagne. They have since realized that even more pleasurable than that old medicine ball is the scent of Old Spice Foxcrest, which is said to smell like the golden hairs of a young appaloosa horse playing in a mountain spring.
Take your lady friend by the hand and dive deep into the crystal-clear scents of Old Spice Foxcrest. The smells are pure and are guaranteed to teach you both the fine arts of French cooking and Italian massages. These arts come from two countries that are known for romance, but there is only one smell that is known to teach you these things, and it’s Old Spice Foxcrest like I said earlier.
- Get ready for the hens to invite you into the coop
- For cunning gentlemen – Foxcrest is a cool and cunning fragrance that keep the senses sharp, yet seductive.