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Hot Wax Hell

hot waxMany things seem like a good idea until they aren’t: hiring a birthday party clown; pulling the mask off the old Lone Ranger; Justin Bieber.

But this sort of disappointment doesn’t have to happen to you and your new at-home hot wax kit! With a little patience, preparation and a phone pre-dialed to 911, you can remove unwanted hair, epidermis and muscle from yourself and unsuspecting family members from the comfort of home or torture chamber.

Ordering Your Hot Wax Kit

First, you’ll need to order your hot wax kit, which should include the wax warmer, the tub of scented wax, gauze strips and wooden applicator sticks.

If you receive a kit without applicator sticks, your first instinct might be to use the wooden reeds from a scent diffuser. You’ll find they are much too thin. Eating a Popsicle will only get you through one application. Tree branches are dirty. Lincoln Logs are unruly and doom your child to a lifetime of building sticky cabins. Be sure to order applicator sticks.

Once you have the proper tools, the time has come to hot wax. If this is your first time waxing at home, you won’t want to test it on yourself. Executioners don’t test the sharpness of their axes on their own heads.  Don’t use your kids as guinea pigs; if something goes wrong, therapy bills can be expensive. Using an actual guinea pig might seem like a no-brainer, but resist the urge. Pets, while possessing an abundance of hair, make poor choices for hot wax test runs. The cat shreds you to pieces for rubbing her belly. If she finds waxing unpleasant, you could end up looking like a crosshatch drawing.

Instead, tell your husband that it looks like he’s growing a hedge row at the base of his neck. Depending on the vanity level of your mate, it may take a day or a week of dropping hints before he’s begging you to help with his hair problem. Tell him he’s in luck; you just bought a new at-home hot wax kit.

How to Hot Wax a Husband

After the wax has warmed for the appropriate amount of time, test it on your finger to be sure it isn’t too hot. Wipe the hot wax off your finger with a tissue and discover the tissue has adhered to your skin. Open a cabinet to search for a solution that will remove the wax from your finger, only to find your finger is now attached to the cabinet. Peel your finger from the cabinet. Try and recall your high school chemistry classes: Is there some sort of solvent that dissolves wax? Are there different kinds of wax, ranging from “candle” to “weapons grade?” Is it even legal for you to own this wax?

Try and use the actual hot wax gauze to remove the wax from your finger. This won’t work, but it only made sense to try. You’re getting desperate. Rub your hand on a bath towel until gathering lint makes it look like you have a tiny, fuzzy bunny perched on the tip of your finger. That would be cute if you weren’t panicking. Finally, rub your fingers against each other until the wax and a good part of your finger is gone. When your husband asks what is taking so long, tell him, “Nothing.”

Have your husband enter the bathroom and sit backwards on the toilet. Gather wax on to your applicator and bring it to your husband’s neck, dragging with you a thin strand of wax that will remain on your bathroom counter, sink and floor until you sell your home. Slather on the wax. If your mate complains that it is too hot, tell him whining about pain is unmanly. Remember this shaming tactic; it will come in handy later.

Lay the gauze across the hot wax now bubbling on your husband’s neck. Rub it like the lady at the nail salon. Remember her? She was very good at waxing. Why did you ever leave her? Was it really so annoying that she tried to push you to wax your lip and chin? You miss her. You wonder what she is doing now.

All your daydreaming has allowed the wax on your husband’s neck to cool too much. Peel away the gauze with a mighty heave and triumphantly show your man the long hairs embedded in the wax to distract him from the pain. When he asks if it looks good say, “It looks great!” When he asks if you should also do his lower back say, “Oh absolutely! …But maybe not today.”

Tell your husband you’re going to finish his neck by removing a tiny bit of wax still clinging there. Instead, use this time to blot the dots of blood rising where you removed six layers of neck skin. Tell him you need the light blue shirt he was wearing for the laundry, and hand him a fresh black or dark red shirt to wear instead. Send him on an errand to keep his mind busy.

Congratulations, your waxing is done!

Pack up the hot wax kit to return it, only to realize the cardboard ring around the wax pot is covered with wax, rendering the warmer unreturnable. Give the makers of the hot wax warmer props for being the evil geniuses they are. Resolve to try it again on your leg hair at a later date and put the warmer in the attic for safe keeping. Wait two weeks and then give the hot wax kit to a friend.

You deserve a treat! Consider going to the beauty salon for an eyebrow wax to celebrate.

 

First published in Skirt! Magazine

Amy Vansant

Voted Funniest Non-Mommy Blog by a Bunch of Moms I Got Really Drunk.Amy has been finding creative ways to make no money since high school.

15 Responses

  1. SarcasticNinja

    It’s important to wax philosophical about beauty now and then.

    And anyway, who needs all that extra skin? It’s a quick way to give you that “flesh eating disease” look all the celebs are after.

    (PS – Do you know the name of the painting/artist from the National Gallery you tweeted?)
    SarcasticNinja recently posted..Awkward American Portraits

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  2. Lance

    I’m a shaver. As hairy as some parts of my body are, I’m blessed they’re all “normal” or medium hairy. I’ve gotten my eyebrows waxed because it made my wife and teenager happy for about 3 minutes. Never again. Shaving and writing are my “arts”. I rock those, sometimes.

    That 40-year-old virgin scene makes me laugh each time. I wish I had yelled Natalie Imbruglia during my eyebrow waxing. damn me
    Lance recently posted..Let’s So Crazy – Twisted Mixtape: 1980s, Part 2

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  3. cj

    How does it smell? That could make a difference in my decision. If a task smells like a Yankee Candle then why not try it? And to Lance: The idea of shaving is so nice, the whole dragging a sharp blade across supple skin, but can waxing really be that much worse? Would a blade be better than hot wax in all positions?
    cj recently posted..Why I No Longer Eat Cheeseburgers

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  4. Melissa Marie

    I’ve tried numerous home-hair removals. Never is the result anything worth showing off. I’ve over-chemical treated, dramatically bruised, obnoxiously plucked. Laser hair removal is amazing, but it’s a lie. It’s more like laser hair delayer… but you know… a delay is better than shaving.

    I should get a husband to experiment on…
    Melissa Marie recently posted..Getting a life

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  5. meleah rebeccah

    I am laughing hysterically at this whole entire post! Too damn funny!

    I’ve actually been an at home waxer for years, so I’m pretty good at it. But this reminded me of the days when I didn’t know what I was doing and just how painful it used to be!
    meleah rebeccah recently posted..On Writing And Blogging

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  6. Amanda

    I didn’t even know home waxing was a thing! Here’s my question though: do you think it’s a good idea to warn the neighbors before the screaming starts? Or would a muffin basket or gift card to Olive Garden be enough to soothe their trauma?
    Amanda recently posted..Why are we so mean to each other?

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