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How to Hide a Vibrator

I was talking to a woman who was moving back in with family and was very upset that she would have to “hide her sex toys.” At first I was a little shocked by her honesty, but as she went back to doing whatever she was doing, I found myself obsessed, wondering what sort of sex toys she had that would require such an effort to hide.

I was killing time and had my iPad, so I went to sex toy site, Adam and Eve, to see how hard it would be to hide a vibrator. Maybe there were crazy talking things out there that call out for love from under the mattress if approached. Ones that if you open the drawer in which they are hidden, will reach out and grab your wrist.

hide a vibrator

It was at Adam and Eve that I realized I might have the solution to this poor woman’s problem.

For instance, if she had the “Wascally Wabbit Vibrator,” she’d have to worry kids would think it was an old-timey gumball machine. If they ever caught a glimpse of it, they’d constantly beg for her to whip it out, and then she’d have to spend hours notifying people of her presence in the neighborhood.

But, if there were no kids in the house, maybe that’s exactly what she should tell people: it’s a gumball machine. Then she could just leave it proudly sitting on her bureau. When people asked for a gumball, she could just say the mechanism was broken and hand them a stick of Wrigley’s.

If she had a three prong deal, hiding it would be super easy. Just buy a planter, maybe some pebbles, and paint it green (non-toxic of course). BOOM! – from awkward moment to decorative cactus in minutes. There’s a “you rarely have to water it” joke here somewhere but I’m just going to step away.

hide a vibrator

hide a vibrator

Of course, the woman had said “sex toys.” Maybe it wasn’t a vibrator she was trying to hide at all. What if she had an antique Ben-Wa Ball collection? That would explain why she was so upset about having to hide them. Nobody wants to spend years collecting antique Ben-Wa Balls, only to hide them in a drawer. My idea for this scenario: Purchase one of those large glass vases people are always filling with balls. People would see them sitting there and think nothing worse of her than that she shops at Pottery Barn.

What if she had Anal Beads? Not a problem at all – just wear them around the house as a necklace. She could wear them with a set of feathered nipple clamps as earrings. Next thing you know, all the cool kids would be doing it. Feathered nipple clamps are just hip ’80s throwback earrings waiting to happen. Pat Benatar knows ALL about it. That little minx.

featherednippleclamps

I wasn’t sure if the woman’s problems were any of my business, but having had such a flood of good ideas, I couldn’t help but share them with her and put her mind at ease.

I tapped her on the shoulder to get her attention, eager to share my ephiphanies. She turned to look at me with her naughty, if milky, eyes.

“Don’t worry, Grandmom,” I began…”

 

 

Amy Vansant

Voted Funniest Non-Mommy Blog by a Bunch of Moms I Got Really Drunk.Amy has been finding creative ways to make no money since high school.

18 Responses

  1. Tim Sayles

    Ah, so THAT’s what I can do with my nipple clamps. Brilliant!

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  2. Jen

    I read an article a few years ago about vibrators designed to look like objects for the coffee table. They could hide in plain site. Ick! How do you tell your guest he might not want to look too closely at the bauble next to the People Magazine?
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  3. Tea

    This is exactly the type of conversation I can see myself having with my own grandmother. Over copious amounts of gin. This reminds me, I should call her.
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  4. Abby

    The cactus deal looks like an old time cowboy flipping the double bird, no? But it is very festive and I can even picture it decorated for the holidays and everything.

    If it was a standard vibrator model, I’m thinking she could claim it doubles as a portable blender/milk frother thing? Drop it in the drink and voila! Shake, rattle and roll.
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  5. beduwen

    Too funny! Reminds me of the day my 8YO came in wearing a funny looking ring he had “found” on the street. (mmm hmmm) It was a soft, squishy red plastic with an interesting spiked knob on it. I didn’t pay much attention, til later, when I saw it on the table. I picked it up to have a closer look, and BAM I realized what it was. DH and I got a good laugh out of it. I still wonder which neighbor it might have belonged to!
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