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If you don’t hear from me, it was the avocado… book giveaways, steals and deals!

That other thing at the bottom is one of the toothpicks that used to hold it up. It ripped it out one night as it slowly makes its way to our bedroom…

If you don’t hear from me, it was the avocado…

This year I decided I would plant everything we like to eat during the summer by seed, so when I bought an avocado and found myself rolling that smooth marble of a pit around in my palm, I thought–I’ll plant this too!

I’m not what you call a green thumb to start out with. I inherited that from my mother, who could kill a bouquet of plastic flowers. Of the twenty tomato seeds I planted, I ended up with two viable stalks after the seedlings died one after the next. They took one look at me and thought, “Eh, why bother.”

After 1000 seeds, I ended up with one squash plant, maybe two cucumbers (which never turn green, get bigger but stay yellow to white forevermore), one pumpkin and one watermelon vine (who’s turned out to be a real bully and is taking over everything). Naturally, the hot peppers, which I don’t really care for and only grew to make some salsa here and there, ALL lived.

But things have taken a decidedly sinister turn with the avocado. Look at that thing. We did the research and pinned it half in water like the Internet told us to do. The taproot started growing like a snake until the thing looked a little too much like something from Alien. But the sprout never popped out the top like it was supposed to. It’s been weeks, so we know the sprout isn’t coming. I think the taproot ate the sprout.

Now we’re afraid to throw it out. What if we make it angry?

The tap root is still growing. So we know it’s alive, probably sentient, plotting our deaths. It already spat out one of the toothpicks holding it aloft, so its breaking from its chains…

The trash comes on Tuesdays and we missed it this week. Our plan was to put it out in the trash right before collection so it doesn’t have time to crawl back up the driveway before they take it away.

Keep us in your thoughts until next Tuesday when we get our next chance. And to the trash guys who might draw the seed’s wrath, I’m sorry. We’re just trying to survive here.


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Amy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries.
Amy Vansant

22 Responses

  1. Elaine

    It often takes quite a while for an avocado plant to sprout leaves. They do seem to like throwing the toothpicks out though. Some years back, I grew a beautiful plant about three feet tall. Then between my cats and great grandsons, they did it in.

    I feel your pain when it comes to growing things though. If they don’t thrive on benign neglect, they are in trouble at my house.

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    • Julie Cottrill

      That is ace l needed that hope you don’t miss the trash next week or it may come and get you

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  2. Janice

    Truly a funny anecdote. It does look like something from a scary SciFi movie or something sinister. I feel your pain. Maybe put it in dirt now and watch it?? Either way, I feel your pain. Good luck with either getting rid of it forever or planting it to sprout leaves. Too funny…that’s why you’re a writer.
    Add your Twitter:

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  3. Tammy Fiess

    Don’t throw it away, the sprout will come. Try ignoring it, do nothing except add water when needed. I’ve had 3 but one disappeared due to a rodent (Yes in my house! Now that’s terror!) who took the entire thing and knawed it to the size of a grape. The other two I planted, and every once in awhile I prune them way back and they sprout new leaves and grow again. I live in Alaska so these are indoor plants.

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  4. Katherine

    OMG. This is so funny! But I hear your truth. Perhaps the avocado seed has somehow communicated with the outdoor plants that are struggling and is heading up the rebellion. Stay alert.

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  5. Cathy

    Don’t throw it out! I grew one 10 years ago, it reached 9′ in our house! We just cut it back last night to about 5 ‘ as the top started dieing 🙁 give it another month or so….

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  6. Lauren

    Hi,

    This is too funny! I was just looking up what to do with an avocado seed. Maybe I shouldn’t plant it! lol All I need is to have a monster plant threaten me!!

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  7. Hope

    That is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read!! Thanks for making my day!🤣

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    • Marty Knox

      Too funny. My mother could also kill plastic flowers. In fact, that’s all I ever gave her if I bought her flowers were silk ones. she loved them. My Dad always bought me real ones. Put the avocado in a pot of dirt. I grew one that took over my dining room. I grew a sweet potato for my science classroom that took over the garden. Hmm, plants running rampant reminds me of “little shop of horrors”- loved that movie. I just bought your book because of senior avocado. He might be your best advertisement. Can’t wait to read it. Looks like fun. Love the covers. You don’t need the toothpick etc. Once you plant it don’t move it. They like to stay in the same place. Also, the biggest killer of plants is too much water. From a green thumb lady.

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  8. Jackie A Sublette

    Plant it! We did it and when we started our RV adventure life and sold the house it was still growing! It was above eves of the House! We lived in the San Joaquin valley in California….. so it got lots of sun. We found out it won’t bear fruit…. learned this from a friend who raise avocados…. but it does make a beautiful tree!

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  9. Sherry

    LOL!! I love your story. I also have a black thumb. I seem to be able to kill any plant given to me. Even the ones my kids swear I will not be able to kill. Ha! They died. The kids haven’t given up yet, I receive a houseplant from one of them every year. I’m lucky if the plant lasts a month. I had avacado seeds that never did anything but sit in the water and start to smell. Keep up the blogging and writing your books they are fantastic. Buy fresh vegetables from someone else. It is less work and stress.

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  10. Marjorie French

    That is a hilarious story! But don’t throw it away, give it more time. I am a grower of plants. I started a sweet potato and it took over the kitchen window, like Jack’s Beanstalk! The darn ants in my garden are driving me loco!!! That should be the Florida creature, the ant. They are more vicious than the gators!!!!

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  11. Carla

    What a funny story!! I didn’t plant anything this year. I’ve bought quite a lot of produce from the Amish store though. Good luck til your next trash puck up lol.

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  12. Linda

    Thanks for the laugh 😉 Don’t give up on it yet. Eventually it’ll sprout leaves – then plant in soil. As to your seeds, start them in small pots inside. After lightly watering the soil, place plastic wrap tightly on the top of the pots & secure with rubber bands. I always try to use clay pots as they’re more porous than plastic pots. The plastic over the top of the pot turns the pot into a kind of mini “greenhouse”. Hope this helps. Love your books! Thanks.

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  13. Sherri

    Too funny! My kids will love this. I’m like your mother!

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  14. Mary

    Keep your scissors by your bedside in case it thinks it’s a scarf in the middle of the night.

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  15. Venette

    That’s some great imagery about the avocado. I laughed so hard reading it. Thank you.

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  16. Leigh

    Yesterday was trash day… did you make it?!? :-O Fingers crossed…

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