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Jackie Warner Kicks my Ass – Exercise Tape Review

She looks like God was making a man and at the last second decided to slap on a little pair of titties and presumably swap out the naughty bits.

Jackie Warner, exercise guru to the stars, is a crazy bitch.

Don’t get me wrong – I mean that in the nicest possible way. Her video “Power Circuit Training” is an awesome little way to keep all those muscles you don’t think about in shape, even if she missed her calling as a Grand Inquisitor during the Spanish Inquisition. Just as no one expects the Spanish Inquisition, I didn’t expect the ass-kicking this crazy buff broad was about to give me.

It is the sad fate of Kid-Free people that we still feel like we should stay somewhat in shape. If you pump out a few kids no one really expects you to be a hard body. You’re a MOM for crying out loud. MILFs and Cougars just embarrass their kids – no 11 year old boy wants their buddies picturing Mom naked. You’re supposed to be all gushy and hugable, like a big old Teddy bear in high-waisted elastic jeans.

But me, what’s my excuse? You just don’t get the same sympathy explaining that your rigorous lifestyle of wine, restaurant food and martinis is making it difficult to stay in shape. When it comes to Too Busy Raising a Little Life to Exercise VS. Too Hungover to Get Off the Sofa and  Stop Watching a New Jersey Housewives Marathon to Exercise the mom’s are going to get all the sympathy every time.

Do the Kid-Free ever get credit for helping those restaurants you parents get to visit once a year stay open the rest of the year? Nooo…..

But I digress. Jackie’s video caught my eye as I was rolling through Sam’s Club ($9.99). And I mean rolling – My husband and I were wrapping up a month long restaurant binge and I was feeling less than in shape for the trip to Florida we have planned. The worse part is we’re visiting a Kid-Free couple who biked 70 miles the other day…  just for fun. I don’t know whether to go visit them or have them committed.

The cover of Jackie Warner’s Power Circuit Training video can’t help but catch your eye.  She looks like God was making a man and at the last second decided to slap on a little pair of titties and presumably swap out the naughty bits. I can neither confirm or deny that last bit. But the bottom line is the gal is IN SHAPE. Crazy shape. So, when you can actually feel the cream sauce from the Gorgonzola pear pasta you had for lunch coursing through your veins, this video seems to promise great things. Hell, if she can look like that, surely you could do this video just a couple of times and at least not make people visibly ill when you hit the beach.
I put in the video the next morning and did the 40 minute circuit training, where Miss Jackie runs through top of legs, back of legs, butt, shoulders and arms, back, upper tummy, lower tummy and sides. She of course uses much more official titles for all these parts of the body, but you get the idea. The beauty is that it is three exercises for each area, lasting just a minute each, and then a Power Burn where you go quickly through all three again.

There were a few things that bothered me. For instance, she has a tendency to say “Do you feel that? I do, so I know you do,” which I found a little off-putting. Why doesn’t she just come out and say what she is really thinking? “I feel that, and I’m an exercise GODDESS, so I know you do, you lumpy piece of shit…” I had to skip over one or two of the ab routines because though my abs could take the heat, my neck and back could not. In those instances I just kept doing the one before it that worked for me. Surely I get points for that.

I was done the whole thing before I knew it. I knew it was over because when I tried to stand up I found my legs and arms were shaking too much for me to move very quickly and I was already in pain. Muscle pain doesn’t usually set in until the next morning when I wake up, so I was a little surprised about that. And for the next two days every time I moved, particularly up and down stairs, it was only with a chorus of groans and yelps.

Having not done an “exercise video” since Cindy Crawford and her Wonder Woman-like bullet-proof red bathing suit came out with Shape Your Body (to this day I still hate the Smithereens) I was a little taken aback by Jackie’s assault. Cindy just asked me to swing my legs back and forth, Jackie asked me lay on my side with only my forearm and toes touching the floor and do sideways sit ups. But I’m thinking that has to be a good thing.

All and all I really liked the video. The pain made me think I must be doing something right. And the second and third time I did it I still shook like a junkie afterward but the pain was minimal. The way each exercise in the video only lasts a minute you barely have time to think about how much it sucks before she’s on to the next one and hope springs eternal that this one won’t hurt as much.

I’m giving this video a two tushy muscles up! For me it worked really well because I have the attention span of  two year old and I have to say I like my exercise bite sized.

Oh. I wish I hadn’t said that.

Now I’m thinking about donut holes.

Amy Vansant

Voted Funniest Non-Mommy Blog by a Bunch of Moms I Got Really Drunk.Amy has been finding creative ways to make no money since high school.

6 Responses

  1. Tim Sayles

    Too funny, Amy!… Actually, I look a lot like Jackie when I wear my little silver-and-blue two-piece, except fatter and without the rock-hard muscles and with larger breasts…

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  2. Tim Sayles

    And you know what? We’re both WAY cuter than that crazy-ass muscle Nazi…

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  3. Will

    Too funny- found you on stumbleupon. You should drop in an amazon affiliate link for that program- I have a feeling you’re going to get a lot of traffic. :)

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  4. Abby

    Oh my god. I totally forgot to include the Cindy Crawford workout tapes in that last post, as I was also a participant in those. Although compared to exercise videos today, that was basically just watching close-ups of her sweating on a rooftop with a chair.

    Jackie Warner is an evil bitch, but damn, I wouldn’t mess with her. She could kick Cindy’s ass…along with Cindy’s bodyguards, I’m sure.
    Add your Twitter:

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