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Jane Seymour’s Open Heart Ink Blot Test

This Mother’s Day, give the gift that reveals your mother’s inner secrets.

Give her Jane Seymour’s  “Open Heart” pendant from Kay Jewelers —  the world’s only bejeweled inkblot test — and gauge her reaction.

RESPONSE:

“Thank you, it’s beautiful!”

POSSIBLE TRANSLATION:

Your mother is either really polite and an excellent liar, or, she  just has no taste, which you sort of figured when you saw her clothes shopping at Hallmark.

RESPONSE:

“Um… a Z? But I don’t have a Z in my name…”

POSSIBLE TRANSLATION:

Your mother, like 99% of the population, does NOT see this a an “open heart” but rather as a squiggly “Z.” Only a celebrity can say “Hey, look at this Open Heart design!” and have anyone agree with her that that must be what it is.

RESPONSE:

“Butt cheeks?”

POSSIBLE TRANSLATION:

Your mother immediately spotted the butt cheeks at the bottom of the pendant.  She is anal.  You’ve found her furiously scrubbing the garden before, so you already knew that.

Or, your mother’s first thought was that you’re an ASS for giving her jewelry Cracker Barrel would find too cheesy to sell.

RESPONSE:

“A scrotum?”

POSSIBLE TRANSLATION:

If your mother thinks the pendent looks like a ball sack, she has long dreamed of lopping off your father’s testicles and wearing them like a trophy around her neck. Or, perhaps, she already has.

RESPONSE:

“Tits and ass?”

POSSIBLE TRANSLATION:

This would explain why your mother divorced your father long ago, and has a very close female friend named Rocky.

 

Though at first the Open Heart appears to be a simple piece of jewelry, it is, in fact, a very complicated necklace. Jane Seymour did NOT just doodle on a napkin and then, thanks to Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, managed to turn it into a jewelry store’s highlight piece. Turns out she’s actually a Freudian genius.

Cue the music!

Every Disappointed Groan Begins with Kay.

Amy Vansant

Amy Vansant

Author Amy Vansant enjoys long walks on the beach, anything to do with her Labradoodle Gordon and frantically getting nothing useful done.
Amy Vansant

3 Responses

  1. aiyana

    perhaps enough time has passed that Solitaire has regained her magic sight after being defiled by Bond, James Bond…

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  2. Amy Vansant

    I do have to give her props for being in the Scarlet Pimpernel with Anthony Andrews, just about my first crush ever. Of course, the fact that my first crush was in a BBC production and not on the cover of Tiger Beat, surely seals my fate as a first class nerd.

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  3. Cathy

    I am do glad to know somebody else feels this way about those awful things. Butt cheeks, that’s what I’ve always seen. I have made it very clear that Mom does *not* want one of those necklaces. Ever.
    But I feel torn, because I’ve always loved Jane Seymour.

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