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Life’s Suggestion Box: To the Bird Who Repeatedly Defiles My New Mailbox


TO:
The bird who repeatedly defiles my new mailbox.

SUGGESTION:

I would like to offer some possible places, other than my brand new, shiny black mailbox, for you to park your feathered ass. As a rule, I would not be so bold as to offer opinions as to where you rest. I didn’t squawk when your winged companion built a nest in my watering can. Not a peep escaped my lips when one of your dimmer buddies flew into my window, scaring the bejeezus out of me. But I waited two years for Home Depot to start carrying the over-sized mailbox that now graces the foot of my driveway. I lovingly screwed it to the post myself, and have the blister at the base of my thumb to prove it. I went to bed that evening, content in the knowledge that I had increased my home’s curb appeal, and that the proverbial ball was in the proverbial Jones’ court.

I awoke the next day, to find fucking white BIRD SHIT dripping down the side of it.

I gave you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you had an accident. Maybe june bugs inflame your irritable bowl syndrome. I forgave you. I pulled out the Windex and grabbed the paper towels.

Two days later, stepping out to get my morning paper there it was again.

Bird shit.

Maybe you think you’re funny. A joker. Maybe when you and your avian buddies get together around the bird bath and someone says, “Boy, I could use a worm right now!” you’re the guy who says, “That’s what she said!”  I bet you regurgitate that derivative humor like a momma bird barfing worms for her chicks.

But I digress. In the interest of keeping the peace in the neighborhood, I thought I might make a few suggestions to help us move past these childish incidences.

  1. The next time you’re thinking of defecating on my mailbox, may I suggest, instead, you poop in a tree.  The idea may seem barbaric, but — not to seem indelicate — you are a fucking bird.
  2. The house on the next block has a mailbox in the shape of a little barn. Down the street is one boasting what looks like a scene from Bambi painted by a particularly talentless 4 year-old. I’m sure you agree they are both hideous. Shit on them. I only wish I could join you.
  3. Migrate. I’m sure it is lovely a few states farther South this time of year.  I’ll even make you up a little knapsack of seeds to take with you.

I’ve seen your macho swagger. Right now, you don’t give a hoot. You think you’re untouchable because you’re strikingly handsome and blue, but really, you’re just a bully. I’ve seen you harassing the other birds in the yard. Well, I’m no sparrow, buddy. I recommend you take my suggestions, post haste, or there will be consequences.

I’ll get a cat.

Amy Vansant

Voted Funniest Non-Mommy Blog by a Bunch of Moms I Got Really Drunk.Amy has been finding creative ways to make no money since high school.

14 Responses

  1. Abby

    I find suggestion No. 2 to be particularly delightful, possibly because you also take a shot at a talentless 4-year-old.

    Anyway, the way birds can somehow direct the trajectory of shit is amazing to me, as I recently had bird poop on my back (glass) door. Mind you, this door is vertical and located under the overhand of my roof, so said feathered friend would almost have to back up and directly shit with a force tantamount to a rocket launcher. Sigh…
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  2. Amy Vansant

    If you don’t take shots at the talentless 4 year-olds once in a while, they get all full of themselves.

    Please don’t show this essay to the birds in your neighborhood – I don’t want them sending messages to the birds in mine with new ideas.

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  3. Angela DiCarlo

    OMG! I laughed until my ribs hurt. You do have a way with words my dear! I love it!!! So many of us can relate to this peculiar way birds have of picking out something that they know we want to keep clean and taking a shit on it! Thanks for sharing! I truly enjoyed reading this!!!!!! <3

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  4. Amy Vansant

    Unfortunately, I think I like bird poop better than cats. (she said, as the dog fans roared their support and the cat people poised their fingers to start typing angry emails…)

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    • lafemmeroar

      I owned a cat once and his leavings were so awful I could have sworn he was human. That cat was also vicious (loving to me) to other animals. He was king of the block. But I never saw him kill any birds.
      lafemmeroar recently posted..Enjoying my Singledom

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      • Amy Vansant

        I’m an animal person in general. But cats I’m allergic to, so that doesn’t help. That and the fact that they roll on their backs begging me to pet them, and then I do, and they purr with happiness… all the way up to the moment two minutes later when they suddenly decide to remove my fingers from hand for no apparent reason. Every cat should be named Sybil.

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  5. Melissa Hicks

    You’re going to be sad about this one. No matter how long you yell at the bird, s/he won’t hold it. Did you know (gasp, fascinating fact) that birds do not have voluntary sphincters? Either that’s one really lucky bird, you’re one really unlucky bastard, or that guy spends a lot more time on your mailbox than you know. Feel happy, it could be your car.

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    • Amy Vansant

      Wow. Now I feel terrible. I’ve been coming down on a poor voluntary sphincter-less bastard! That would make a good tee shirt. A really beautiful picture of a bird and then “Birds don’t have voluntary sphincters” under it.

      What’s worse, the part where you don’t have a voluntary sphincter, or the part where you have an involuntary one? Does it sphinct against their will?

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    • Amy Vansant

      Who knew? (well, you, clearly). The little stabby things on top are clear though. I’m thinking I might end up with a bird impaled on my mailbox!

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