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My Interview for Best Cities for Childfree Living

hI was recently flattered to be interviewed by Estately for an article on the “Best U.S. Cities for Childfree Living.”  I’m thinking it had something to do with the name of my blog. My input is under New York. Honestly, I don’t know that any particular city is better than another for not having a kid, but I did my best to make shit up. They didn’t use most of my answers, so I thought I’d put them here. I can’t imagine why they didn’t use it all.

Estately: What do you think the best city is for child-free living and why?

Me: If I had unlimited money, New York would be the best city. I would eat out every night until my doorman had to roll me into the service elevator to get me home. Obviously, it’s difficult to take care of a child if you can’t reach around your own body. Plus, once I was too big to get out of the apartment, I might eat it. I’m thinking with a Pinot if what they say about people tasting like pork is true.

What are the best aspects of not having children?

Silence. Whenever we visit our nieces we’re stunned by the chaos and noise. Parents don’t even notice it. I’ve had whole conversations with my brother while his youngest was literally jumping up and down on his face screaming something about a Disney princess. On the downside, parents are developing ninja-like abilities to concentrate and I’m getting more and more weak minded.

The other bonus is lack of responsibility. My blog isn’t anti-kid, it’s usually about the goofy things my husband I do with our free time. I actually have quite a few Mom readers who stop by to experience the stupidity-bullet they dodged by having kids. For instance, one post was about smoking vodka. Moms can’t sit around smoking vodka for long before a kid tells a teacher that “mommy breathes smoke through a glass tube” and Child Services shows up. And Child Services are the worst house guests. They never bring wine.

What criteria would you use in measuring a city for being ideal for child-free living?

It should literally be half quiet reading spaces and half bars. Then go to City Hall and request a permit to build a Chuck E Cheese. If they burst into laughter and then chase you out of the office with pitchforks and torches, you’ve got a winner.

If you knew that having children would eventually prevent your elderly parents from moving in with you would you have kids?

Nah.  If you fill a kid’s tea with Benedryl they miss them at school.

Amy Vansant

Amy Vansant

Author Amy Vansant enjoys long walks on the beach, anything to do with her Labradoodle Gordon and frantically getting nothing useful done.
Amy Vansant

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13 Responses

  1. Carrie

    I love you. Really. A-freaking-men to all of the above.

    I’m bad enough at keeping myself and the dogs alive and out of jail. Plus I had NO idea it was wrong to drug your childs tea.

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  2. Timothy Sayles

    Dear funny person,

    You make me laugh. A lot. Thank you.

    The end.

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  3. cj

    Dude, I mean Amy, I am with Carrie here. It is true love from the Hoombah to Kid Free Living. Funny as a mofo this post. Yeah, we’d miss the quiet too. Quiet reading spaces and bars, yet another Utopian scheme, but we could make it work, methinks. But my fave here is the Chuck E Cheese comment. we recently had one close near our studio. I nearly jumped outta the car so I could dance in the intersection and sing that Cool and the Gang tune.
    cj recently posted..Brown Rice and Spinach Bonanza Bowl

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  4. Libby Rice

    Been reading this blog for awhile now as a fellow married-with-no-kids-er. LOVE your posts. Always right! Always funny! This one is perfect.

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  5. Brooke

    Thank you, Jesus aka Internet, for directing me to this fun lady! I make comments (like the Benadryl one) to my friends and they all think I’m some big meanie. Lol. Clearly I need new friends. Only certain people understand the Childfree passion we feel. Kinda like when I try to run errands before 130pm before school is out and then I cringe when I’m running late. Thanks for being so funny:)

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