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Personal Wimbledon Tennis Results

Mike and I started playing tennis again, partially because we’re getting fat and partially because the lovely and talented Jen Havice (of When Pigs Fly blog) said she’d send me her famous Pimm’s recipe for Wimbledon and she hasn’t yet, so I had to make up a reason to post another tennis related blog, hint hint. 

Right now, I have him by the balls.

I like it when Mike and I stop playing tennis and then resume, because I always win the first time we play.  And ONLY the first time we play. I win, because Mike actually tries to play WELL, which he can, and it takes him a day or two to regain his form. He whiffs while attempting to do fancy shots I find more difficult, like “getting it over the net” and “serving.”

Meanwhile, I just dink away, slowly chipping away at his manhood. In a few more days, he will rifle these dinks back at me and I’ll be diving for cover like a fat kid playing dodge ball, but for now, he’s mostly rifling them into the net to the tune of my merciless mocking.

During this golden time, I do as many dirty shots as possible, because he’s not allowed to return the ball “mean” after my dinky second serve, but I AM allowed to smack his “nice” return like a complete asshole. I made the rules.  The rules say I’m allowed to be a jerk because I’m not as good as he is. When I hit the tape  and the ball dribbles on to his side, impossible to reach, I raise my hands and hoot like I just served the winning ace at Wimbledon.

Mike: You’re supposed to APOLOGIZE when you hit the net like that.

Me: Apologize?? That makes no sense. It was awesome.

Mike: You apologize because it isn’t fair.

Me: Are you implying I didn’t do that on purpose?

Mike: You didn’t do it on purpose.

Me: (mumbling) I might have. You don’t know me.

His fun comes from the fact that I wear two really attractive black knee braces when I play.  I have to do this keep my knee caps from shattering and sprinkling across the court like freshly fallen snow.  He thinks that makes me a dork.

What he doesn’t know is every time I call out “Deuce!” in my head I compulsively follow it with “…the final frontier…”

THAT makes me a dork.

Amy Vansant

Voted Funniest Non-Mommy Blog by a Bunch of Moms I Got Really Drunk.Amy has been finding creative ways to make no money since high school.

15 Responses

  1. Abby

    I’m just said Rafa is knocked out of the real tennis tournament going on. He’s the only reason I ever really care, so now, not so much.

    As for your “deuce” dorkdom, I don’t even get the reference, so I’m pretty sure I get that dork point instead. You win again!
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    • Amy Vansant

      DOH! Thanks for the catch! I had done a spelling replace and totally goofed it running out the door before posting. One of these days I’ll figure out that rushing NEVER works.

      The way I say “Deuce” it sounds like “Space” to me (in tone) so instead of “Space… the final frontier” from Star Trek it’s Deuce… not only dorky but Science Fiction dorky. The worst kind.
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      • Abby

        I wasn’t trying to be a snarky witch or anything. I really thought that was how the recipe thing was spelled, like a “take” on Wimbledon ;)
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      • Amy Vansant

        I didn’t take it that way, no worries. I can’t spell for shitt. And then when I try and proof things I hate doing it so much I mix that up half the time too!
        Amy Vansant recently posted..CSI: Labradoodle

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  2. Lance

    I am disappointed this post doesn’t suggestive innuendos involving “love” and “balls”.

    Two knee braces? that makes you a bad ass dork
    Lance recently posted..Blood and Sand

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  3. Jen

    Ha, ha! I have been remiss about spreading the cocktail recipe love. I don’t have a recipe with proper proportions for you off the top of my head. I get a big pitcher and add Pimms with Ginger Ale, lots of ice and then slice up lemons, limes, oranges and cucumber. Crush up a bunch of mint and drop it in. Let it all marinate for a while and drink up. Pimms has a fairly low alcohol content so you can throw back quite a few of them while still feeling civilized.
    Jen recently posted..Madonna Gives Us Something Not So New To Look At
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    • Amy Vansant

      Yea! Now I have people sharing drink recipes… Now I just have to inspire people to send actual drinks to me. Maybe in a thermos?

      Thanks! Sorry I had to call you to the carpet like that! :)
      Amy Vansant recently posted..Be More Interesting

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      • Jen

        No problem. Sometimes I need a kick in the pants.
        Next time I’m in MD, we have to meet for drinks. My husband goes sailing with his family every September, leaving from Annapolis. I went one year but it was too much like camping sleeping on the boat. I just wanted him to drop me off at the Inn at Perry Cabin and get me when it was time for our flight to go back. Or, he could leave me in Annapolis at a hotel and you and I could just drink.
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