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Red Wine Blasphemy

My friend Kara sent me this horrifying brochure in the mail. It disturbs me for several reasons.

First, I thought my mother was the only person who sent me random articles torn out of newspapers and magazines, news clippings about the arrests/deaths of my former classmates, and coupons for low-fat ice creams she’s discovered that I “HAVE TO TRY!!” Now that Kara is doing it too, I have to ask myself… Is it me?

Second, the topic matter of this brochure offends me to the core. It is for redredwine™ Reservatrol, a new beauty regiment that gives you “All the benefits of red wine without the alcohol!” The redredwine™ is trademarked. Clearly, either Neil Diamond or all of UB40 was asleep at the wheel on that one.

Let’s break down the most evil bit of marketing since the birth of toddler pageants.

First boast: All the benefits of red wine without the alcohol!

What’s next? All the benefits of chocolate without the taste? All the benefits of Catholicism without the guilt? All the benefits of Coke™ without the caffeine? Wait, scratch that last one. Anyway, you get the idea. And everyone knows “red wine is good for you” is just some bullshit winos tell themselves as they are uncorking the second bottle of the evening. Sometimes I even invoke it before the first bottle is fully gone, out loud, just as a preemptive measure. Just in case my mother and the crew of Intervention have already hidden cameras in the house.

Second boast: “The early Romans upheld the mantra: ‘vino sanitas – in wine, there is health.'”

First off, mantras are a Hindu thing so I don’t think it was their mantra. Second off — can something be second off? Seems that for the sake of symmetry I should use that — I’m pretty sure the Romans didn’t mean that wine LOZENGES are health. Especially  lozenges “absorbed best through the mouth.” Are they suggesting that, if the mood strikes us, and we don’t mind losing a bit of the potency and potential, the lozenges might be absorbed somewhere other than the mouth? Under your armpit for instance? In your ear canal? As a suppository? I mean sure, weird shit ends up in people’s asses all the time, but usually that is after drinking a bunch of wine, not getting slap-happy with some lozenges.

The back says the benefits of wine have been known “since the rule of France’s Louis the XIV.” Though, wait a second… the front had that bit about the Romans…  Now I thought the Ancient Roman time was waaaay before old Louis the Sun King, but it’s been a while since I was in history class. Who can say, really. Were you there? I think not.

In addition to the lozenges there is a redredwine™ body lotion and a “Soap Nut” cleanser. I didn’t even know soap had nuts… What’s that you say? “Soap Nut” is a tropical fruit? So I suppose next you’re going to tell me that the rose hips they mention… ah, ok. Got it. Never mind.

At least they got one thing right about red wine. Enjoy daily.

Amy Vansant

Voted Funniest Non-Mommy Blog by a Bunch of Moms I Got Really Drunk.Amy has been finding creative ways to make no money since high school.
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2 Responses

  1. kara

    you know, i don’t send clippings to anyone else. just you.

       0 likes

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