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Secrets of a Suburban Ninja

As we get older, we lose skills: memory, strength, the ability to keep our jowls tight against our jaw bones; lots of things. But I possess one skill that is only improving with age, thanks to my unique life choices:

I have the reflexes of a Red Bull Jedi.

Don’t tread on me.

I share with you, Grasshopper, the three keys to my prowess.

1. Marry a Man Who Acts Like He’s 13-years Old

In 10 years, I have not passed within 5 feet of my husband without him poking, pinching, tapping, bopping or otherwise tweaking me. He thinks it’s HILARIOUS. I think it explains why nearly all his ex-girlfriends can’t say his name without spitting. It’s a little bit like being cursed to spend eternity in the back seat of your parent’s car with your exasperating little brother, except you can’t moan “Mom, he’s TOUCHING ME!” to anyone but the dog, who has proven himself useless in these situations and will only slink out of the room to demonstrate his bravery by humping the pillow.

The downside of Mike’s behavior is my slow decent into insanity. The upside, is that like a master of “The Force,” I’ve developed the ability to “feel” Mike coming and can usually sweep block his attack. I earned a red belt at a rinky-dink karate dojo at one point, and living with Mike is like 10 years of private training with a Monk who took a sacred Vow of Annoyance.

 2. Get a Dark Colored Dog

Nearly every night I end up roaming the house in the dark. I have to go to the bathroom, am thirsty, can’t sleep, or am up carefully drawing tiny green dots on my colorblind husband’s face in revenge for whatever he most certainly did to me the day before. The usual stuff.

Even though I try to be careful, at some point, I will almost step on Gordon Labradoodle, who is totally invisible in the dark. My chocolate-hued Gordon will scramble to his feet, scaring the bejeezus out of me, and I will perform a spastic dance, arms flailing, that generally ends with me hanging from a bureau by three fingers, covered with water from the now half empty glass I just refilled. BUT I WILL NOT HAVE STEPPED ON THE DOG. Sure, it looks insane to the casual observer, but they shouldn’t be in my house at 3am, anyway. And the impromptu rain dances keep our lawn almost as vibrant green as the dots on Mike’s face.

3. Sleep in a Bed with the Immature Husband and the Invisible Dog

I sleep curled in a tiny ball to make sure Gordon Labradoodle has all the room a 65lb dog sharing my bed might require, which, coincidentally, turns out to be approximately the length and width of a King Size bed minus the space of my 6’2″ husband.   The bonus is both the dog AND the husband roll, pulling the covers off me as they go. Avoiding frostbite has required I develop two additional reflex skills:

  • When I hear Mike start to move and feel the covers trying to slip away like a magician revealing his trick (Ta Da! Her shoulder is freezing!), I snap out of a dead sleep, grab and clutch the blanket, and hold it in place until the tension releases. (This also helps with strength building.)
  • The dog is much sneakier and I always awake to find half my blankets already balled beneath him. Luckily, every 40 minutes he likes to re-position himself. I wait until he stands to shift and circle before laying down again. When he does, I yank the blanket back before he can plop his full weight back upon them. Victory is mine!

Now you know the secrets of a suburban Ninja. I’m sorry, but now I have to kill you. Don’t look up next time you walk down your hallway; I’ll be wedged up there ready to pounce.

Amy Vansant

Voted Funniest Non-Mommy Blog by a Bunch of Moms I Got Really Drunk.Amy has been finding creative ways to make no money since high school.

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23 Responses

  1. Casi

    I practice 3 nightly and have always masters the grab-and-hold when the SO is sleep-theiving my covers. And the summertime with a hot, furry dog thisclose to you while you sleep is whole other obstacle. I commend you for homing your ninja skills.
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  2. Natalie the Singingfool

    Wait, you’re married to a Mike who acts like a thirteen-year-old boy too?? I’m getting a Twilight Zone feel here; I still have bruises from our last “wrestling” match. My ninja skills aren’t quite as well-honed, I guess.
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  3. Tracy

    Dave likes to say hi when I’m showering. Lucky for me, he is not stealthy. His footsteps are so loud, I totally know he’s coming.

    I’m way too high-maintenance to share my bed with my dog…or my husband. You are strong indeed!
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  4. Meredith

    I definetly have #1, and partly have #3 down pat but only because my dark colored dog sleeps in a cage a night ;).

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  5. Stacey

    1. Not really an issue, but he does act like his wedding band has magical powers complete with sound effects sometimes.
    2. My Doodle is black, so I can relate.
    3. The dog is not allowed in the bed but the husband takes up most of it and is a cover thief. I just rip them right back off him. Hard enough to wake him up.
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  6. Pamela

    Sooo glad that I am not the only human who sacrifices a good nights sleep due to a dog , or two. I am humbled that they “allow” me the edge of the mattress, and don’t make me sleep in their kennel. Although I have been tempted because I know I wouldn’t be bothered and I would have my own comforter. Your blog brightens my day …THANK YOU!
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  7. Amy B

    I like this. But what happens if you get kicked in the middle of the night on a regular basis? How do you train for that? Can we make this into a series? Thanks in advance.
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  8. Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point

    So if I’m understanding you correctly, you’re saying my wife should be much more appreciative of me for all my annoying pokes and jabs and odd sleeping habits, since it is making her reflexes better? Thank you. I couldn’t agree more. I think I’ll go hide in her closet now and jump out at her when she’s changing her clothes. She’s going to be so appreciative.
    Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point recently posted..It’s Worse Than We Thought!
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