When I’m working at my desk, my husband Mike likes to torture me with fake sexual advances in the form of the worst role playing characters ever created. They include such gems as:
- “Hey Baby, I Just Got Out of Prison” Guy
- “I Just Bought a Deli, Want to Roll Out of Here?” Guy
- Making a vampire face by goofily flashing his teeth, a move to which he refers to as “The Deadly Daggers”
- Insisting “‘No’ is just a letter from ‘Yes'” (which makes absolutely no sense.)
- Hugging me while referring to me as the “Lassoed Watermelon,” which gains him no points. He only uses this during the summer months.
- Coming up behind me while I’m sitting at my desk and basically collapsing on top of me; a move he calls the “Tidal Wave of Love.”
- Several variations of “Creepy Teacher,” “Creepy Boss,” and “Creepy Co-Worker,” where he says impossibly inappropriate things.
- “My penis is Toyota. You asked for it.” (I had not)
- A menagerie of “spiders” which are actually his hand making various spider-like shapes to imply they are little characters including “Listening Spider” (very alert), “Angry Spider (looks like a spider and then flips me off),” and “Humping Spider” (fingers out like legs but the palm pushing back and forth).
But I think he finally found my weakness while playing “Creepy Office Guy.”
Mike: (purposely and obviously brushing across my boobs as he reaches) I just need to get this pen…
Amy: There’s no pen there.
Mike: I’m sorry, what’s that?
Amy: You’re just being ‘Creepy Office Guy.’
Mike: What?? Why is he creepy? He’s just trying to grab a pen!
Amy: There is no pen. And you just totally groped me.
Mike: No…stop it. Office guy is sweet. He likes you. He opens doors for you and brings you PopTarts…
Amy: No, ‘Office Guy’ is a creep who tries to… wait, what was that last bit?
Mike: He brings you PopTarts?
Mike: So… can I get that pen?