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Sushi Maki of Terror

Mike and I went to a nearby sushi restaurant Monday night at 5pm, not surprised to find ourselves alone but for the staff. We’re way ahead of our time when it comes to early bird dining. We’re about two weeks away from stealing sugar packets from every place we go.

My Sake Tree.

We sat at our usual seats at the bar. That’s when I heard this little voice from my left.

A new waitress, who stood about 4’8″ had her face tucked up beside me, her chin all but resting on my arm. Upon seeing that I’d noticed her presence, she leaned in a little closer, until all I could see were hair follicles. As a dog lover, I fought the urge to pet her.

I tried to speak, but her face was so close to mine she’d stolen all my oxygen. I leaned back and took a gasp of air.  Large eyes staring at me like Oliver Twist in search of a handout, she tugged on my sleeve and asked what I’d like to drink.  I murmured my order, lips grazing her forehead, terrified she’d smell everything I’d eaten in the last week the moment I opened my mouth.

Unsure of the drink to which I referred, she crawled into my lap and read the name phonetically from my menu until she had it memorized. Then she hopped down like a Pomeranian and scurried behind my bar stool.

I froze.

I’d seen this move in horror movies before.

Moments later she popped up at my husband’s elbow with no warning. Terrified, he jumped and looked at me, eyes wide. I quickly turned away from him for fear I’d never stop the giggle fit threatening on my horizon.

Mike asked for a martini and then inquired about one of the more obscure appetizers on the menu. She crawled into his lap and explained several appetizers by reading what the menu said verbatim. This was stunningly unhelpful, since most of the descriptions read like a random game of Words with Friends.

“Jeezus,” said Mike when the waitress left to get the drinks. “I think I was just violated.”

We tried to control our laughter by staring at the things around us like everything was fascinating. I noticed one of the specials was called the “Happy Maki”  and wondered why things were always “Happy” in Japanese restaurants. Just once, maybe I’d like to try the “Sashimi of Discontent,” or the “Heartbroken Hand Roll.”

We generally have a drink or two before ordering, but soon realized our little friend had positioned herself a foot behind our stools, clicking her pen as she eagerly awaited our next move.

*click click*

I could feel the hair on the back of my neck rising.

*click click*

I could hear her breathing.

We put down our menus, and she stepped forward to rest her head on my elbow, awaiting my order. I don’t think I’d felt so loved since our Labradoodle fell asleep on my face.

I finished my first cocktail and asked for a small bottle of cold sake, which I was served in some sort of  festive tree.  When Mike ordered a bottle of wine, she brought me a glass as well, so between my empty cocktail glass, my saki tree, my glass of wine and my soy sauce, I was one fetal pig away from looking like I’d brought a 7th grade chemistry kit to dinner.

Mike made the mistake of asking about a few other items on the menu, and the waitress perched in his lap like a ventriloquist’s doll to read the menu in broken English. Terrified we’d have to navigate a long conversation, we agreed to all of her suggestions, gobbled them down, and escaped before she became accidentally impregnated by either one of us.

Amy Vansant

Voted Funniest Non-Mommy Blog by a Bunch of Moms I Got Really Drunk.Amy has been finding creative ways to make no money since high school.

25 Responses

  1. SarcasticNinja

    Sounds like the chemistry kit might have come in handy to concoct a chemical deterrent…

    I’m pretty sure I’ve had Despair-Nigiri, made with salmon two days past its sell-by date and the tears of the chef.
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  2. kathy

    For the life of me, I cannot understand why humans would want to eat that horrible raw food anyway. When I pass the “restaurants” in the neighbourhoods and gaze at the raw chickens etc. hanging in the windows I feel voodoo has made a comeback.
    I am happy you lived to eat another day.

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    • Amy Vansant

      It was a little sing songy… and she followed us to the door… and she’s out side the window right now slowly scratching at it…

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  3. Lance

    at mine and Bobina’s sushi place is a head waitress who used to be a man. we’ve been going to this place for four years and watched her make the transformation. I assume she’s post-op but then again we don;t hang so, well whatever.

    she’s similary creepish – overly friendly, doesn’t respect personal space, etc.. and I’ve had to learn to watch for her before we sit down so I don’t be like Mike and get freaked out.

    Btw, my favorite sushi roll is the Depressed Dolphin. I don;t eat it because that would be wrong but I try to talk it out of doing harm to itself.
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    • Amy Vansant

      You don’t hang… so you don’t know if he/she does. Ha!
      On a related note, have you seen Hit & Miss on the Audience Network (DirectTV?) About a hitman that used to be a man and is now pre-op woman. Good show, if one to many shots of a dude with boobs mixed in. I really don’t need to see ANYONE just walking around naked that often.
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  4. Chooplah

    “Sashimi of discontent” made me laugh aloud when I’m supposed to be working! Yeah, my guy and I went to a “Korean PPQ” place last night. We thought we were trying some unique new style food when we realized it’s simply supposed to be “Korean BBQ.”
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  5. Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point

    Two days ago the wife and I went out to sushi and as we walked in there were about five waitresses standing at the front. Once we entered all of them instantly started to giggle and pointed at me.

    This is not the typically response I get when I’m out in public. I swear.

    But eventually one of them said to me that they were laughing at my shirt, which was an old school Atari Pac-Man shirt. I really hope she was telling me the truth.
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  6. Tracy

    At least she drew the line at crotch sniffing.

    That’ll teach you to eat dinner at 5pm, maybe she was passive-aggressively suggesting you not make her work before 7.

    Dave and I are almost always ready for dinner around 4 on weekends but most restaurants don’t open for dinner until 5. The perils of being 38 going on 80.
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  7. liz

    love the description of the space invader waitress! i would probably shy away from a melancholy maki, but the drink chemistry set sounds like a pretty stellar range.

    have you ever tried creamy sake? it sounds terrifying but its quite nice – a milder unfiltered version that is also served cold
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  8. Nina Potts

    I love sushi. One of the little known enticing bits is that its dangerous, more so than people realize, without being as expensive and dangerous as skydiving. For example, you can have a delicious sushi roll, and a few hours later, the excitement of food poisoning for the first time. Its really a gamble, you know the raw fish might do something terrible and yet, you order it anyways. Especially if you live somewhere not natural to sushi, like Phoenix. Damn I love caterpillar rolls.
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