Email This Post Email This Post

Tea Vs. Coffee


Kind of like Vampires vs. Werewolves, only slightly less stupid.*

 

Caffeine Level

When I drink coffee, the rush is like a punch in the mouth by pre-Buster Douglas Mike Tyson. When I drink tea, it’s like a slap in the face with an empty glove by a sissified Scarlet Pimpernel.

 

Taste & Variety

The bitter bite of coffee demands more attention than the mellow flavors of tea. But on the other hand, tea comes in many different styles and flavors, so we have to tip a cap to herbal when it comes to variety. I have a deep love of the bergamot flavor of Earl Grey. I have no idea what bergamot is, but I’m pretty sure they use it in Fruity Pebbles, too.

Ordering Out

Ordering coffee requires only a few words: Cream, Sugar, Black. Sure, you can order a Venti half-caf, half-foam, soy-latte, extra-hot, but if you do, there is a fairly good chance you take yourself way too seriously, and I’d appreciate it if you took your jittery little ass elsewhere . What’s next? Half-skin chicken breasts?  Burger King says, “Have it your way.” Maybe next time ask for a half-must-half-ketch with 3mm thick pickles.

Thanks to tea’s endless flavor possibilities, ordering herbals can be even more difficult. Some establishments present diners with custom wooden tea cases, allowing them to peruse little aisles of teas.  I have been offered the tea coffin before, and had to wildly giggle while choosing so nearby diners would understand I wasn’t Miss Fancy Tea and that didn’t expect my tea bags brought to me in a felt-lined box. My dueling pistols, yes. My tea, no.

 

Presentation

Coffee can come with fancy designs in the foam. Can come with chocolate stirring sticks. Can come with whipped cream and sprinkles.

Tea can have a piece of fruit hanging on the side of the cup. If I have fruit hanging from the side of glass, there should be rum in it.

 

Compatibility With Booze

Tea and alcohol just don’t really mix. You can add things like Firefly to make sweet tea or add whiskey if you’re dying of cholera in 1822, but it’s like putting Angelina and Brad in the same room with Jennifer Aniston. You can do it, and it happens, but it is awkward.

Coffee wins this category, hands down. You can experiment almost endlessly, and I do. Some of my favorites:

The Girl Scout Cookie

Peppermint Schnapps, (or peppermint extract) &  chocolate syrup

The Almond Joy

Amaretto, Malibu Coconut Rum & Chocolate liqueur. (Also can be done booze-less: almond extract, coconut extract and chocolate syrup, because sometimes you feel like a nut – sometimes you don’t.)

The Chocolate Orange

Grand Marinier and chocolate syrup.

The Easter Egg

Coconut rum and chocolate syrup.

The Not-So-Frozen Banana

Banana liquor and chocolate syrup.**

 

 Conclusion

The winner, for me, is COFFEE. I like a nice cup of tea, but no matter how hard it tries, tea will always be Jan Brady to coffee’s Marsha.

 

*Vampires win hands down. Duh. Vampires have mind control over animals. Done. Short version of the argument over.  I am willing to take this battle on with any and all takers, because as a person, I’m really more of a Jan and am prone to fall into really geeky conversations.

**I like chocolate syrup.

 

Amy Vansant

Voted Funniest Non-Mommy Blog by a Bunch of Moms I Got Really Drunk.Amy has been finding creative ways to make no money since high school.

Latest posts by Amy Vansant (see all)

12 Responses

  1. Abby

    While coffee might have a broader canvas on which to paint a flavor festival, I cannot have a drop of it without spending hours–literally hours–in intestinal hell. I will be doubled over in pain, so needless to say, tea wins for me ;)
    Add your Twitter:

       0 likes

    Reply
    • Amy Vansant

      I do get dizzy sometimes, if I make my one morning cup too strong, but that is not always entirely unpleasant, or different than my normal state of being.

         0 likes

      Reply
  2. lafemmeroar

    I’m intrigued with the vampires vs. werewolves thing (you are sooooo inventive and funny btw). In using a “Twilight” analogy of Edward vs. Jacob (I’m in his camp), I liken Edward as the pinky up tea sipper and Jacob as the “hemanesque” java drinking hunk of hotness. I like the refined and the rough and here’s what I do:

    I’ve tried mixing tea and coffee in the past and it’s pretty good. I first had this beverage (Yuanyang) in an asian cafe. Then I tried doing it myself and it’s good hot or cold. The recipe is Hong Kong style milk tea (black tea with evaporated milk) and coffee and can be served hot or cold (sugar is optional). Ah … the best of both worlds … if you’re into mixing’ it up.
    lafemmeroar recently posted..The Break-up Letter from my Secret Lover

       0 likes

    Reply
  3. Amy Vansant

    Re: Vamps vs Weres – My argument does not take in the “hotness” factor, as I would have to take that on a vamp by were by case by case basis. My argument is only if there was a war between a vamp and a were, the Vamp would win most of the time, unless he was a moron.

    Re: tea vs coffee: Like the combo idea! I’ll have to check that out!

       0 likes

    Reply
    • Amy Vansant

      Eh, you’re tired an hour after you drink it, but on the other hand you may have helped or damaged any number of your internal organs too. Wheeee!

         0 likes

      Reply
  4. Grace Lewis

    Oh Amy, you always bring a smile to my face :-)

    I originally became a coffee drinker by profession (never trust an airline employee who doesn’t bleed coffee,) but now I’m a coffee drinker by marriage (I married a pilot who drinks enough coffee to independently support Starbucks.) I do recognize that tea does have quite a few benefits, but I feel like the booze compatibility counts at least for triple points.
    Grace Lewis recently posted..The color of miscommunication

       0 likes

    Reply
  5. Amy Vansant

    Grace – just realized I wasn’t getting your blog sent to my email and correct that. Also followed you on Twitter and saw you’re a violinist too! How cool! Do you have a leathery patch under your chin from rubbing? That’s the only downside I can see…

       0 likes

    Reply
  6. Jessica

    Agreed. Coffee is a magical elyxer that I cannot function without.
    And well my life without vampires filtered throughout it via True Blood, Twilight, etc. would just not be nearly as enjoyable.

       0 likes

    Reply
  7. Amy B

    I think I just fell in love with you a little after this post.

    Coffee has replaced tea as my drink of joice. And has also been known to be the kickstart to my sunday fundays/day drinking festivities.

    My only thing against coffee is it can’t be had on an empty stomach. The jitters are the worst. But then again, maybe if I only had one cup at a time, this wouldn’t be such an issue…
    Amy B recently posted..Cooking With Friends

       0 likes

    Reply
  8. Amy Vansant

    Wow, you’re easy. :)
    I get bad jitters too some days, and I don’t know what makes those days stand out. I guess when I make it too strong. Or when I eat the beans straight from the bag. One of those.

       0 likes

    Reply
  9. Barbara

    Hmm…I think I like tea more than coffee. Although there are times when I really crave a coffee, I always find myself getting tea instead. Have you tried milk teas? I can never get enough of them.
    Barbara recently posted..Sectional Sofa Slipcovers

       0 likes

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

CommentLuv badge