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The Cutthroat World of Goat Actors on History Channel’s Vikings

A little skit for everyone looking forward to the new season of “Vikings” on the History Channel tomorrow.

Or for anyone who doesn’t approve of goat sacrifices, but thinks if there has to be one, it should probably be a L.A. hipster actor goat.

vikings history channel

FADE IN

Two goats, BILLY & BYLLI, bump into each other on the street. BYLLI is wearing skinny jeans.

BILLY

Hey! Billy, how are you? Cool hat. It’s, like, so ironic.

BYLLI
(self-consciously touching the partially chewed tin can he is wearing on his head)

It’s “Bylli,” pronounced “B-WHY-lee.”

BILLY

Oh, sorry.  How you doing?

BYLLI

Good,  just on my way to get a half-caff, no-foam, non-fat latte with caramel drizzle.

BILLY

Me too! Hey, how’s the acting going?

BYLLI

Good, I guess. I’ve got a regular gig at the Brentwood Country Mart petting zoo, but it isn’t fulfilling. Waiting tables still pays the bills.

BILLY

Dude, you’ll never guess what! I got a gig on Vikings!

BYLLI
(pulls back his head in surprise, his eyes are huge)

BILLY

Whoa, what’s wrong? You look crazy!

BYLLI

I have horizontal pupils.

BILLY

Oh right. Me too.

BYLLI

So, you got a part on Vikings? Is it reoccurring?

BILLY

Nah, it’s a one shot deal. But it’s pretty exciting. Billy got a part on Vikings last month, and he must have put in a good word for me.

BYLLI

Billy Half-Horn? Or Billy Spots?

BILLY

Billy Spots. He told me Vikings has been great for goat actors.

BYLLI
(rolling his eyes)

Vikings great for goats? Have you seen Vikings?

BILLY

No. I cant work the TV control, you know, with the cloven hooves and all.

BYLLI

Yeah, I’ve been fired from six restaurants this month. Hey, have you seen Billy Spots since he filmed Vikings?

BILLY

No.  He hasn’t been around. Vikings probably launched him right into another role! They film in Ireland, you know.

BYLLI

Right. Hm. Look, Billy, you don’t want to be on Vikings…

BILLY
(excitedly talking over BYLLI)

Guess what else! I’m also trying out for a part on Justified next week—Wait, what?

The goats stop and stare at each other with their huge eyes.

Did you just say I don’t want to be on Vikings?

BYLLI
(lifting a cloven hoof to make a slicing motion near his throat)

Vikings and goats, it’s just… their religion calls for a lot of sacrif— wait, did you say there’s a part on Justified?

BILLY

Yeah, the Justified audition is next week, right after my Viking shoot.

BYLLI

Right after your Vikings shoot… Who else knows about the  Justified audition, besides you and me?

BILLY

No one, I guess. A lot of the L.A. goats seem to be staying in Ireland after shooting Vikings parts.

BYLLI

So it would just be me and you up for the part?

BILLY

Yep.

BYLLI

Right after you shoot Vikings.

BILLY

Yep.

BYLLI

Ok. Well, it was good seeing you…

(BYLLI starts to leave)

BILLY

Wait, what were you saying about vikings and their religion or something?

BYLLI

Oh, nothing man. Good luck! Congratulations on Vikings!

BILLY

Thanks dude!

FADE OUT

 

Amy Vansant

Voted Funniest Non-Mommy Blog by a Bunch of Moms I Got Really Drunk.Amy has been finding creative ways to make no money since high school.

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