Kid-Free Living Manifesto

  • Some of us will not produce offspring, even though we know they would be better and smarter than any other kids we’ve ever met.
  • Some of us have kids, but we get a little giggly whenever they’re asleep or out of the house. Don’t hold that against us. We used to be people who did selfish, stupid, incredibly fun things just for US,┬ádammit, is that so wrong?
  • Some of us have kids, but they’re all grown up and out of the house and …what were we talking about? Hand me another cocktail.
  • Will be patient with the people who tilt their heads and sadly stare at us when we say we don’t want or don’t have children because they believe we are missing a magical precious thing, all the while reminding ourselves that we are not contributing the over crowding of the planet and that when we’re done talking to these people about diaper changing we can go have a cocktail.
  • Will satiate any maternal or paternal instincts that just won’t seem to die by doting unnecessarily on our dogs (or, in a pinch, cats or other pets). This may include making up nicknames for them, giving them funny voices with which they talk to us, and letting them sleep in our beds (refusing to make them move even when our legs and back are beginning to spasm because they are taking up all the room.)
  • Will strive to make strong, long-lasting friendships with people younger than us so we have people to take care of us in our old age – just in case our spouses or younger siblings die before us or the kids we did have are ungrateful assholes. Otherwise, we are screwed.


 


Does the sound of a baby crying make you...
look for the source and then say, Awww... when you spot the little guy.
shake your head and smile, patiently hoping he settles down soon.
Seriously makes you want to punch kittens.

Which is your favorite story about children?
The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe
Mr. Rogers Memoir-Style Guide: Sweater Vests for Any Occasion
Swifts plan for the poor to earn money by selling their kids to the rich for food.

If you
I would sit them down and logically work through their disagreement with them
Dress them like little evil clowns, give them tennis rackets and film the ensuing mayhem for You Tube
Tell them the first one to get Daddy a beer wins

When a kid runs up and hugs you, do you...
joyfully hug them back, reveling in their unrestrained, innocent affection.
Smile and pat them, secretly hoping theyll learn to be less trusting someday for their own good.
Leap back in fear the little walking petri dish will give you a cold.

In your spare time you like to...
Scrapbook and shop for high-waisted jeans.
Party like a rock star with one week left to live and a magically refilling vodka bottle.
Travel, read, stare at bright shiny objects... wait, what was the question?

Do you like poop and vomit?
Yes, when it is the adorable poopy poopy poop my little poopster poopied.
Ah, no. Stupid question.
I saw them on tour with Nine Inch Nails. They were awesome.

How often do you like to have sex?
Whenever it is time to make a new baby. Why?
Once to a few times a week more or less.
Depends. With whom?

What do you do with your savings?
Roll around naked in it screaming "Mine! Mine!
Save for future. Blow it all on a random toy. Save for future. Repeat.
Spend every cent on a person who will some day tell me I ruined his/her life.

Childbirth is...
Best experienced while unconscious.
A natural and beautiful part of life.
Ew! Ick! LALALALALAlalalalal I cant hear you,NOT picturing that, lalalala...

Describe your home decorating style.
I like to call it Modern Dorm with just a touch of Stuff from Mom.
Whatever Pottery Barn tells me to do.
Frilly sofa covers and ceiling borders with sailboats and ivy on them. Stuffed animals on my bed.
 

Some Kid-Free Links: