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The New Chinese Throwing Screwdrivers


As you know, here at Ninja Throwing Technologies, we scored quite a hit last year with our Chinese Throwing Moons.  No one can deny that Ninja weapon innovation had crawled to a standstill over the last hundred years.  Stars, swords, knives – we had become stagnant; resting on our laurels.  But now, thanks to our visionary new leadership, our Chinese Throwing Moons have lead to a host of other successes, including the Chinese Throwing Clover and most recently, the Chinese Throwing Horseshoe.

But I am here today to tell you that the geniuses in Research and Development, the brilliant minds who brought you the Chinese Throwing Origami Airplane, have taken us to an entirely new level of Chinese Throwing weaponry.

Today, I would like to introduce to you: The Chinese Throwing Screwdriver.

I can see by your faces that you are as excited about this new innovation as I am. Clearly, this invention opens the door to an unlimited number of companion Throwing Tools, and I can share with you today that the Chinese Throwing Hammer and the Chinese Throwing Needle-nose Pliers are only two months from production.

There are always a few skeptics out there, and I want you to know we have run the entire line past our expert panel of Ninjas. Never again will we make the mistake we made when we first released the Chinese Throwing Moons in neon yellow.  And Bill, I can assure you and your late brother’s family that we will never again suffer the tragedy inspired by early testing of the Chinese Throwing Boomerang.  All our new Throwing Tools are available only in gunmetal gray and classic black, and all are powder-coated to reduce reflection. All have been tirelessly tested and approved by our Ninja panel, who were, to the man, thrilled to have such multifaceted weapons in their repertoire.

Let me tell you a story.

One of our Ninja panel members, we’ll call him “Bob,” told us that the previous evening he had been making his way across a fence line in order to sneak up on his target. To his chagrin, the wooden plank upon which Bob so carefully tip-toed, began to squeak. Well, I don’t need to tell you what a squeaky fence post can do to an otherwise carefully planned Ninja assassination. Even if Bob was successful at eliminating his primary target, he’d have to kill every other living person in the vicinity, just so no one went around bragging about how they had “heard him coming.”  That sort of press can really devastate a Ninja’s reputation.  Hell — it can hurt the whole clan.

So, what did our Ninja do? Well, old Bob remembered he had the Chinese Throwing Screwdriver in his pouch. He just grabbed that little sucker, and with a few quick twists had tightened the screw that held the fence to the fence post. Viola! No more squeak. Thanks to the Chinese Throwing Screwdriver, Bob went on to complete his mission without further incident.

So ladies and gentlemen, as you go back to work today, know that in this tough economic climate, your jobs are safe. As long as there are Ninjas, Ninja Throwing Technologies will be the best and the brightest, supplying the ultimate in Chinese throwing weapons.

I thank you for your time.

 

Amy Vansant

Voted Funniest Non-Mommy Blog by a Bunch of Moms I Got Really Drunk.Amy has been finding creative ways to make no money since high school.

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2 Responses

  1. Grace Lewis

    I’d like to recommend a Chinese Throwing Mini Swiss Army Knife. It would be really useful to me anyway.

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