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What’s one more kid?

What’s One More Kid? That’s like asking “What’s one more Chevy Chase movie?”  But if you just HAVE to have another kid, I would like to recommend adoption for a few good reasons.

  1. Remember, a new kid loses half its value as soon as you drive it off the lot. This makes used kids the better value.
  2. There are some perfectly good used kids out there, but if you really want a fresh one there are procedures you can follow to get one. For instance, in New Jersey, you can take two teenagers, put them in a secluded spot in the back seat of a Camaro, mix liberally with alcohol and Viola! Nine months later you have yourself a very slightly used kid.
  3. Worried that your kid isn’t going to grow up to be the genius you’re constantly telling anyone who will listen he is? Worry no more! If your kid is adopted it isn’t your fault if he grows up to be a loser. You have his real family to blame for everything  and in the process you look like Mother Theresa for watching over the little moron for all those years.
  4. Worried adoption fees are out of your tax bracket? Take a child from a welfare mom only having kids to collect checks. Even if she’s a little attached to that one, deep in her heart she knows she’s got backups and won’t put up much of a fight as long as you don’t report the adoption to the government.
  5. Remember, having adopted kids keeps you from using tired clichés like “you’re just like your father!” keeping your parenting fresher.
  6. If your adopted child misbehaves, you can always threaten to send them back to where they came. This should carry a lot more weight than taking away their bike or Wii. (Quick Parenting Tip: This technique can actually work with your real children if you just tell them they are adopted.)
  7. With a little planning, you can be sure to adopt a child with a good warranty. This way, if you decide the child you picked is a little bit of an ass, you can return him or her for a replacement. With your own children it is almost impossible to trade them in for a better model.
  8. If, when your adopted child is older, you feel like he is a selfish, ungrateful cur who totally ruined your life, you can spring the fact that he was actually Jeffery Dahmer and Courtney Love’s illegitimate child on him and probably mentally and emotionally cripple him up for the rest of his life in a brilliant master stroke of revenge.
  9. Because you can see what your adopted child looks like, it reduces your chances of getting stuck with an ugly kid. This is especially useful if you and your mate were beat with the ugly stick. It may increase your chances of getting a little whore, but that hasn’t been scientifically proven yet. Pick a boy and take that right out of the equation.
  10. Ladies, adoption means you can keep your figure! Let someone else get the woman pooch and stretch marks while you get the kid. And men, no worries that after a kid sex with your wife will be like throwing a hot dog down the hallway.

So as you can see, there is a strong case for adoption. If you already have a kid, consider swapping them with a neighbor’s in order to get some of these perks aftermarket.

Amy Vansant

Amy Vansant

Author Amy Vansant enjoys long walks on the beach, anything to do with her Labradoodle Gordon and frantically getting nothing useful done.
Amy Vansant

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