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Zombie Breath: A Love Story

For this story it is important to know my husband Mike:

  1. Owns about 40 different personal hygiene products that produce 40 different pleasant smells.
  2. Is a hypochondriac convinced he’s dying at least once a day.
  3. Hates it when I call him “dude.”

All of which added up to a VERY enjoyable day for me when he suffered a hideous case of bad breath. 

Zombie Breath: A Love Story

A Reality Show One Act Play

We open on a husband and wife working in their home office… the wife makes a face like she just smelled Ashton Kutcher’s acting career.

Inside joke – he called me the “bees knees” to make fun of the fact I use archaic terms, like calling the refrigerator the “ice box.” When these AquaNotes* appeared in the shower he also remarked: “We’re together 24/7 and now we leave each other notes in the shower?” To which I replied: “YES!”

me: Dude. You STINK.

Mike: Did you just call me “dude?”

me: No.

Mike:  I do not stink. What are you talking about?

me:  The whole room stinks. You’ve made the whole room stink.

Mike:  I do not stink. You stink.

me: The dog just walked by and he was wearing a little gas mask. It was sad and a little scary.

Mike: Shut up.

me: The house plants all just died.

Mike: SHUT UP! How? Smell me. (leans toward me)

me: *sniff* Not your arm… *sniff* Not your neck. Breathe on me.

Mike: (breathes)

me: Holy hell. You STINK. You’re rotting from the inside. MIKE, THE SMELL CAME FROM INSIDE YOUR BELLY! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!

Mike: That made no sense.

me: Like the horror movies where the call comes from inside the house—

Mike: I know what you MEANT. It’s just stupid.

me: Maybe you’re a zombie, purifying from the inside. Has anyone sketchy bitten you lately?

Mike: You’re SUCH a nerd. *sigh* What does it smell like?

me: Like garlic and gin… with a touch of death.

Mike: I don’t even drink gin!

me: Apparently, when zombies drink red wine, it turns into gin. Google it.

Mike: … …  I’m dying.  I knew it.

me: You’re not dying. Possibly already dead, but not dying. What have you been eating?

Mike: Shit. You know what? Last night I made a salad dressing and dumped a bunch of garlic powder—

me: (covering nose) Could you make this story a little shorter?

Mike: What?

me: Or turn your head while you’re telling it?  Can I spritz a little of my Prada “Candy” in your mouth?

Mike: What the hell! We can’t go out for lunch if I STINK that bad!

me: We can sit outside in the breeze. People will be like *sniff sniff* WHAT IS THAT SMELL?? but by the time they start to zero in on you, the breeze will confuse them and they’ll think a sea gull just dropped a dead crab nearby.

Mike: This SUCKS.

me: The fact you’re a zombie, purifying from the inside? Or the fact that now I have to chop of your head to kill you? Because my original plan had always been slow-acting poison, which would be less messy, but that doesn’t work on zombies.

Mike: THE FACT THAT I STINK. I’m going to brush my teeth again. Hold on.

(he leaves, I hear gargling, he returns)

Mike: How about now? (breathes on me) What’s it smell like?

me:  Mint… and death. Minty Death.

Mike: This is horrible.

me: What did the gold miner say when he found the gold?

Mike: *

me: U REEK AH!

 

Aaaaaaand SCENE.

 

* Special thanks to AquaNotes (waterproof notepaper that suction cups to the wall in the shower) which I found on Twitter (@ShowerThinker) and immediate had to order. I am very much a “shower thinker” – a phrase they use in their marketing. Bonus – you can trade notes with your mate, whom I imagine also showers (assuming you’re not a couple of dirty hippies).

This is not a paid endorsement for AquaNotes or The League for Washing Dirty Hippies (LWDH).

Amy Vansant

Voted Funniest Non-Mommy Blog by a Bunch of Moms I Got Really Drunk.Amy has been finding creative ways to make no money since high school.

30 Responses

  1. Meredith

    “Has anyone sketchy bitten you lately?” hehehe love it, nothing like a good stinky hubby story to start my weekend :D.

    Remember to aim for the head if he starts wanting to eat brains instead of salad ;).
    Meredith recently posted..TGIGF!! (Thank God It’s Grati Friday) ;)

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  2. Nicole

    ROFL… I love this.

    Geekface works on a rotating shift, so there are 8-day stretches where he doesn’t have to go to work. I come home one day, and his breath is kickin’ a little bit, but whatever. I’ve had lazy days where I didn’t brush my teeth, either. By day 3, I was like “What’s up, Mr. I Only Brush My Teeth On Workdays…” WTF is that? He’s always clean, he always smells good, he’s not a gross boy but he gets lazy with that?

    Maybe there’s a zombie virus going around…
    Nicole recently posted..ad astra*
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  3. Lance

    I don’t wear cologne or aftershave. Two reasons: 1) If i ever decide to be a disgusting, cheating scumbag, I don;t want to get caught that way 2) I don’t want my wife to write THIS blog about me.

    hilarious
    Lance recently posted..Cumbersome

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  4. Muscato

    I’m not sure I’ve ever shared this before, but one thing I find infinitely endearing about Mr. Muscato is that when he’s sleeping and gets a little too warm, for reasons unknown he smells pretty much exactly like really good movie theatre popcorn. That’s about as close as he gets to true stinkiness, thank heaven.
    Muscato recently posted..Green Goddesses

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    • Amy Vansant

      I did too! I was an editor for SURFER Magazine for cryingoutloud, I TOTALLY had to retrain myself. It was actually a job requirement at one point.
      Amy Vansant recently posted..Boobie Washer

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  5. Tim

    I loved the zombie blog, and I enjoy your tweets. My gf calls me dude once in a while, usually when she is irritated by something that I have done. I usually reply by asking “Are we going to go HANG TEN, DUDE?” or “Oh, is it time for our trip to the DUDE RANCH already?” or “Who do I look like, the Big Lebowski?” Yeah, it usually makes things worse, but life is about the peaks and valleys. @yourownrisc
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  6. Sarah

    I loved everything about this, but especially the line about the smell coming from inside his belly. Mike reminds me of my husband, who is the cleanest person I know. I have only smelled B.O. on him 2.5 times in 10 years, and I constantly bring it up. Your blog is my new favorite.

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    • Amy Vansant

      Worse part about the aqua notes is I already had that idea years ago, except it came out like this “they should make something you can write on in the shower like a wipeoff board, only waterproof” and then I went back to drinking. These people actually did it.
      Amy Vansant recently posted..How a Horse Turned Me into Queen Quitter

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  7. information about bad breath

    I do agree with all the ideas you have introduced to your post. They’re very convincing and will definitely work. Still, the posts are too quick for beginners. May just you please lengthen them a little from subsequent time? Thank you for the post.

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