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13 Coolest Hybrid Animal Love Children

Amy Vansant

May 15, 2012

Humor

16 Comments

Funky Hybrid Animals

13 Hybrid Animals you’d want to be if you were
very silly, or just really, really high.

1. Wholphins

False Killer Whale + Bottlenosed Dolphin=Even FALSER killer whale.

Half Whale, Half Dolphin. Kinda like that kid in the front row of math class – Really smart, but a bit of a weight problem.

False Killer Whale: “Hey Baby, I have NEVER seen a bottlenosed hottie like you!

2. Oak Tree Hybrids

Nature’s tree-trollop mates with anything. Species-namers commonly joke about not being able to keep up. You probably remember all those “oak trees are such whores!” jokes whizzing around the internet.

I am so freakin’ horny. Hey you! Grass! Yeah you… that’s quite a blade you have there, Sugar…

3. Liger

Liger – Lion & Tiger (oh my). Largest cat in the world. Except maybe that thing Abby from Abby Has Issues just adopted. BA DUM DUM! (kitty ain’t bitty).

Jungle Island, an interactive animal theme park in Miami, is home to a liger named Hercules, the largest non-obese liger (<—I like the way Wikipedia adds that “non-obese” bit in there.The other FAT liger says F-YOU, WIKI!). Hercules is recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records as the largest living cat on Earth, weighing over 904lbs. Or in Charlie Sheen-speak, about a weekend of pussy.

HIM: ROWR! I’m a tiger! No wait! Look! ROWRR! I’m a Lion! HER: Whatever. Either way you’re a douche, Martin.

4. Leopon

Lion and Leopard (apparently Lions get around, but really, who’s going to stop hybrid animals that can eat you.)

Sure I’m FAB-U-LOUS! But it isn’t easy with every Housewife of NJ trying to turn me into a coat/purse ensemble.

5. Zebroids

Zonkey (Zebra/Donkey), Zorse (Zebra/Horse) and Zony (Zebra/Pony).

Zebroid hybrid animals are the offspring of zebras and any other equines, like horses, a donkeys or Tori Spelling.

A Zonkey – the offspring of a slumming zebra with low self-esteem. But ya gotta dig the leg warmers – Jennifer Beals eat your heart out – What a Feeling!

6. Green Sea Slug

Hybrid Animals so green Al Gore claimed he invented them.

Slug & Plant. Green sea slugs are hybrid animals because they taught themselves to produce their own chlorophyll. Basically, it kept stealing plant characteristics until it practically became the plant, just like your roommate in college with no knowledge of The Grateful Dead suddenly started following Phish around the country after she met that guy in the tie-dye tee. When mothers say “You can grow up to be anything you want, sweetheart!” they’re usually hoping you move UP the food chain.

It’s easy being green… for ME. Suck it, Kermit.

7. Pizzlies (Grolars)

Grizzly Bears + Polar Bears = Coca Cola commercial that kills you.

I thought this Pizzlie was SO cool I immediately shot it dead!

8. Beefalo

Cow & Bison (Double your subfamily “Bovinae,” double your Whopper.)

Beefalo, or B.A.C. (Big Ass Cow). Kind of like my Aunt Dot but more tastefully dressed (she looked more like the Leopon).

9. Mules

Horse + Donkey.

Ok, so not a real “mule” but mules are just horses with big ears and this is SO much cuter.

10. Geep

Sheep & Goat (A Shoat is already a young pig, so you have to go Geep. Plus, it just sounds cooler.)

Sure you could count sheep, but why not count Geep? Oh. Because they freak you out. Fair enough.

11. Cama

Camel + Llama

I’ve said it before, but I’m pretty sure Llamas and alpacas are aliens living among us. First they mate with camels… then Marlboros… then HUMANS.

Oh, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!

Whaddyou lookin’ at, Earthling? I got the butt-lift, now I just need the nose job and I will BE YOU.

12. Savannah Cat

Savannah cat is the offspring of a domestic cat and a serval—a medium-sized, large-eared wild African cat. These hybrid animals weight 20lbs or more, but it’s their stunning length that catches the eye. I’m not a huge cat fan, but I gotta say, a cat that could walk around in my robe is pretty impressive.

Mind if I hop into your jeans and go get a tuna fish sandwich?

13. Repubocrat

Some hybrid animals almost look human. Liberal pundit James Carville, married Republican political pundit Mary Matalin. They produced two female Repubocrats, which surprisingly, look almost normal. Surprising not because their parents are from diffent parties, but because Dad is James Carville, a post-molt snake. The daughters aren’t holding dogs, they’re holding LUNCH. Let’s look away before they detach their jaws…

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