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13 Coolest Hybrid Animal Love Children

Amy Vansant
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Funky Hybrid Animals

13 Hybrid Animals you’d want to be if you were
very silly, or just really, really high.

 

1. Wholphins

False Killer Whale + Bottlenosed Dolphin=Even FALSER killer whale.

hybrid animals

Half Whale, Half Dolphin. Kinda like that kid in the front row of math class – Really smart, but a bit of a weight problem.

hybrid animals

False Killer Whale: “Hey Baby, I have NEVER seen a bottlenosed hottie like you!

 

2. Oak Tree Hybrids

Nature’s tree-trollop mates with anything. Species-namers commonly joke about not being able to keep up. You probably remember all those “oak trees are such whores!” jokes whizzing around the internet.

hybrid animals

I am so freakin’ horny. Hey you! Grass! Yeah you… that’s quite a blade you have there, Sugar…


3. Liger

Liger – Lion & Tiger (oh my). Largest cat in the world. Except maybe that thing Abby from Abby Has Issues just adopted. BA DUM DUM! (kitty ain’t bitty).

hybrid animals

Jungle Island, an interactive animal theme park in Miami, is home to a liger named Hercules, the largest non-obese  liger (<—I like the way Wikipedia adds that “non-obese” bit in there.The other FAT liger says F-YOU, WIKI!). Hercules is recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records as the largest living cat on Earth, weighing over 904lbs. Or in Charlie Sheen-speak, about a weekend of pussy.

hybrid animals

HIM: ROWR! I’m a tiger! No wait! Look! ROWRR! I’m a Lion!  HER: Whatever. Either way you’re a douche, Martin.

4. Leopon

Lion and Leopard (apparently Lions get around, but really, who’s going to stop hybrid animals that can eat you.)

hybrid animals

Sure I’m FAB-U-LOUS! But it isn’t easy with every Housewife of NJ trying to turn  me into a coat/purse ensemble.

5. Zebroids

 Zonkey (Zebra/Donkey), Zorse (Zebra/Horse) and Zony (Zebra/Pony).

Zebroid hybrid animals are the offspring of zebras and any other equines, like horses, a donkeys or Tori Spelling.

hybrid animals

A Zonkey – the offspring of a slumming zebra with low self-esteem. But ya gotta dig the leg warmers – Jennifer Beals eat your heart out – What a Feeling!

6. Green Sea Slug

Hybrid Animals so green Al Gore claimed he invented them.

Slug & Plant. Green sea slugs are hybrid animals because they taught themselves to produce their own chlorophyll. Basically, it kept stealing plant characteristics until it practically became the plant, just like your roommate in college with no knowledge of The Grateful Dead suddenly started following Phish around the country after she met that guy in the tie-dye tee. When mothers say “You can grow up to be anything you want, sweetheart!” they’re usually hoping you move UP the food chain.

hybrid animals

It’s easy being green… for ME. Suck it, Kermit.

7. Pizzlies (Grolars)

Grizzly Bears + Polar Bears = Coca Cola commercial that kills you.

hybrid animals

I thought this Pizzlie was SO cool I immediately shot it dead!

8. Beefalo

Cow & Bison (Double your subfamily “Bovinae,” double your Whopper.)

hybrid animals

Beefalo, or B.A.C. (Big Ass Cow). Kind of like my Aunt Dot but more tastefully dressed (she looked more like the Leopon).

9. Mules

Horse + Donkey.

hybrid animals

Ok, so not a real “mule” but mules are just horses with big ears and this is SO much cuter.

10. Geep

Sheep & Goat (A Shoat is already a young pig, so you have to go Geep. Plus, it just sounds cooler.)

hybrid animals

Sure you could count sheep, but why not count Geep? Oh. Because they freak you out. Fair enough.

11. Cama

Camel + Llama

I’ve said it before, but I’m pretty sure Llamas and alpacas are aliens living among us. First they mate with camels… then Marlboros… then HUMANS.

Oh, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!

hybrid animals

Whaddyou lookin’ at, Earthling? I got the butt-lift, now I just need the nose job and I will BE YOU.

12. Savannah Cat

Savannah cat is the offspring of a domestic cat and a serval—a medium-sized, large-eared wild African cat. These hybrid animals weight 20lbs or more, but it’s their stunning length that catches the eye.  I’m not a huge cat fan, but I gotta say, a cat that could walk around in my robe is pretty impressive.

hybrid animals

Mind if I hop into your jeans and go get a tuna fish sandwich?

13. Repubocrat

Some hybrid animals almost look human. Liberal pundit James Carville, married Republican political pundit Mary Matalin. They produced two female Repubocrats, which surprisingly, look almost normal. Surprising not because their parents are from diffent parties, but because Dad is James Carville, a post-molt snake.  The daughters aren’t holding dogs, they’re holding LUNCH. Let’s look away before they detach their jaws…

hybrid animals

 

Amy Vansant

Amy Vansant

Amy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries.
Amy Vansant

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16 Responses

  1. Abby

    You. Are. A. Nut. And that is why I love you. So many things to say…
    First of all, Monie is “husky” and “solid.” We’re working on that.

    Second, how the hell do you have pictures of these things? I understand the Liger given “Napoleon Dynomite,” but the others? I need to bleach my eyes.

    Third, I literally laughed out loud and totally need to see a Geep.
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    • Amy Vansant

      Photos, shamelessly stolen from Google image search. Send your cease and desist letters to…ah hell, you look me up, I’m not going to make this EASY for you.

      Sorry for the potshot on your cat. I’m thinking I should go on facebook and get that chubby glamour shot of Monie and put it on here…:)
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      • Abby

        She’s all yours. I beginning to think she’s a hybrid of a cat and a clingy shedding child, so maybe a kidden? A chat? I’ll leave that up to you.
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  3. Jen

    I’m totally freaked out. I am glad to see that the Carville/Matalin kids are human and not some strange elephant/donkey mix. The geep is pretty scary. I think the llama/camel combo could happily live next door to me with the other aliens.
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    • Amy Vansant

      The Geeps creeped me out, too. I’m afraid since every demon people dream up looks something like a goat, the goats got a bit of a raw deal.

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  6. iampisspot

    HIM: ROWR! I’m a tiger! No wait! Look! ROWRR! I’m a Lion! HER: Whatever. Either way you’re a douche, Martin.

    CRACKING UP OVER HERE!

    I love it that Monie got a mention!
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      • iampisspot

        Thanks for the shout out!

        So, I’ve been thinking more about hybrid animals since my last comment, and I suddenly remembered someone once told me that cats can have a litter of kittens fathered from different cat-dads. IS THIS TRUE? Do cats have gang-bangs?
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      • Amy Vansant

        I’ve heard that too – and anyone who ever lived in a neighborhood with wild cats has HEARD the gangbangs! Little hussies…

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