A Hotel Choice for Every Lifestyle

haunted_hotelI’d like to stay in a new Penultimate Southeastern brand hotel. Should I choose the Penultimate Southeastern “Classic” or the Penultimate Southeastern “Premium” location?

We’re glad you asked! Both hotels are of the highest quality and feature all the comforts a busy traveler expects, including free parking, convenient airport proximity and complimentary towels. Your choice depends on nothing more than your lifestyle preferences!

The Penultimate Southeastern “Classic” is $7.99 per night and the “Premium” is $130. Why the price difference?

The differences between the hotels are minor. The beds in our Penultimate Southeastern “Premium” Hotels are slightly more comfortable and feature 600 thread-count 100% Egyptian cotton sheets. You can rest easy knowing each of your bed’s four legs will remain on the floor for the duration of your stay. And at either property, you can enjoy morning coffee at our adjoining cafes!

Wouldn’t my bed legs stay on the floor no matter where I stayed? 

We certainly can’t vouch for the bed stability of other hotel chains. But we can promise both the Penultimate Southeastern “Classic” and Penultimate Southeastern “Premium” properties feature complimentary robes, scented shampoos and eco-friendly disposable shower caps! Forgot your toothbrush? No problem! Just stop by the front desk and one will be provided to you at no cost.  As a bonus, the Penultimate Southeastern “Premium” Hotel is also built on ground approved and blessed by Indian shamans, making it 100% guaranteed poltergeist-free.

Wait, are you saying the Penultimate Southeastern “Classic” has poltergeists?

No, of course not! We’re only saying that we can’t guarantee that is does not have poltergeists. What we CAN guarantee is that both our family-friendly properties have 100% free cable! Watch your favorite shows and access hundreds of on demand movies!  Just stay the recommended distance away from the television screens and there is almost no chance you’ll be sucked into an inter-dimensional vortex.

What’s an inter-dimensional vortex? 

It is very much like, but not completely identical to the  inter-dimensional wormholes possibly located in closets at the Penultimate Southeastern “Classic” property. But you’ll be too busy enjoying our 100% free Wi-Fi access to pay any attention to the ankle-biting clowns that may or may not live underneath your firm, clean bed, lovingly turned-down nightly by our stunningly fast team of room technicians.

Are they fast because they’re efficient, or because they’re terrified of the ankle-biting clowns? 

I’m sorry, Sir, I think your cell phone dropped there for a moment and I didn’t catch that.

I’m on a landline.

Did we mention that both our properties feature room massage and spa services upon request? Whether you like Swedish massage or warm stone massage, we can take the stress of your busy day!  I should note this service is temporarily unavailable in our “Classic” property until we’re able to retrieve the masseuse.

Retrieve the masseuse?

Did I say retrieve? I meant “find.”

Did she quit?

Something like that.

I think I’d prefer to stay in the Penultimate Southeastern “Premium” Hotel.

We thought you would.

Are you aware that “Penultimate” actually means “second to last?”

No, it doesn’t. It means “best.”

No… it means “second to last.”

But it has the word “ultimate” in it. That’s impossible.

Well, inflammable means flammable.


Hold your horses. I’m Googling it.

Oh. Sorry.


Told you.

Well, you don’t have to be all superior about it. Do you have ANY idea how many logo towels we had printed? Not to mention napkins, little plastic cups, matchbooks…

Honestly, I think you have bigger troubles than the name.

*Sigh* You have no idea.  This whole thing has been a nightmare. If it isn’t the vortex it’s the wormhole, if it isn’t the wormhole, it’s the clowns…

At least the Penultimate Southeastern “Premium” Hotel is guaranteed to be 100% poltergeist free.

We might have fudged that stat a little.

It isn’t 100% poltergeist free?

More like 30%.


There are actually about 45% more clowns. But their arms seem shorter, so if you take a sort of running leap off the bed —

Do you happen to have the number for the Marriott?

Yep. Have it right here.


— First printed at  The Big Jewel

Amy Vansant
Latest posts by Amy Vansant (see all)

11 Responses

  1. Abby

    This is why I only travel when necessary for work and I can smuggle out ghost/germ-free towels, shampoo samples and pens.


    • Amy Vansant

      I love stealing pens. Ever since I used to go to a lot of tradeshows and get them for free, I find it impossible to actually buy them now. Makes me feel like a schmuck.


  2. Tammy

    If a hotel/motel can’t guarantee me at least one serial killer living in an abandoned bus on the back corner lot, then it ain’t for me… “penultimate” or not.


  3. Nina Potts

    I hate staying in hotels, if its not ghost bellboys, drunk co-eds having orgies in the room next door, not to mention the ever present panic attack because I know the entire room in covered in germs, primarily of the sperm origin. This is why I’m not allowed to take my black light on our trips anymore.

    PS: all of this is true.

    Where do the wormholes go though? If the wormhole goes somewhere fun, it might be worth it.


    • Amy Vansant

      See, that’s why I didn’t have kids. Sperms are germs. You understand.

      On the upside, you could probably pick up some more mice…


      • Nina Potts

        Hotels here are usually lacking mice. They make up for it with giant spiders, scorpions, and snakes though. So theres that.


  4. SarcasticNinja

    As long as it’s a deluxe inter-dimensional vortex, I’m in. Those are usually more exciting than most destinations for work travel.



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