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A Lard’s Day Night

I hosted Christmas this year and there were a few mishaps. I burnt my arm while leaning into the oven, but on the upside, the burn mark makes it easier to to masquerade as a celebrity chef. I started the turkey at 9:30 figuring twenty minutes per pound, and then when it was nearly done at 11:30, realized fresh turkeys only need ten minutes a pound. Hm. Took it out, put it back in at two, tragedy averted.

criscoIt was all worth it for the laugh I got Christmas morning.

My husband, Mike, decided for breakfast he’d have a leftover biscuit with cream cheese on it. The cream cheese was cold and he moaned about how hard it was to spread.

“Give it a chance to warm up,” I offered from the other room. I’m frequently full of helpful advice.

There were a few more grunts from the kitchen and then he arrived in the living room with his snack to binge watch The Office with me.  We’re desperate for things to watch over the holiday. We even watched the first episode of the British version of The Office and then the American first episode to compare and contrast.  Then University of Phoenix sent us a Doctorate degree because comparing two episode of The Office is a viable thesis for a PhD from there.

Anyway, Mike finished his biscuit and I went into the kitchen where I found the Zip-Lock bag that held the cream cheese package wrapped in silver. The cream cheese was still in the Zip-Lock, but another silver package was lying out and open beside it.

“Is this open package the one you used on your biscuit?” I asked, fingers crossed that it was. Oh please oh please let him have used the package out of the bag.

“I guess, why?” he called from the living room.

“I mean, you didn’t use the one still in the Zip-Lock right? Must be the one open on the counter?”

“I guess. Sorry. I’ll put it back.”

“No that’s not it…” I said, giggles already beginning to rise. “The package in the bag is cream cheese but the package outside the bag is not.”

“What? What does that mean?”

“That means maybe you were having trouble spreading the cream cheese because it was Crisco shortening.”


This is the part where I laughed hysterically and start calling everyone I know to tell them Mike just ate Crisco on a biscuit. He, on the other hand, turns an interesting shade of green.

He spent quite a bit of time in the bathroom after that. And I spent the rest of the day referring to him as “The Crisco Kid” and asking him if his favorite movie was “Grease.”



Amy Vansant

Amy Vansant

Amy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries.
Amy Vansant

11 Responses

  1. Liz

    That’s a hoot! Poor guy. I hope his tummy settled by the time the big meal came around.

    My husband and I have both burned our arms on the oven at least once this last year. What I found worked, is to keep some of those hot/cold packets in the freezer and as soon as you realize you’ve burned yourself, put one of those frozen bags on the burn and keep it there until the pain subsides. I’ll warn you, the instant cold doesn’t make the burn pain go away right away. It hurt like heck, but, I didn’t get a blister. I had a long mark about an inch and a half long where it would have blistered, but that faded after awhile. A bag of frozen veggies would probably work, too. Since you are now disguised as a master chef, you might need to know this. 🙂


  2. Dianna Slowey-Thomas

    Too funny! At least you didn’t leave the bag with the extra parts in the turkey!


  3. Michele Drier

    Decided to clean the oven the night before Christmas. I now have a burn scar to match the one where my dog bit me.
    I bought some of that Crisco in little silver foil packets, too. No accidents so far!
    Hope Mike recovers before New Year’s Eve!
    Add your Twitter:


  4. Joanne Kocourek

    Love it! Sounds like some of the kitchen/cooking escapades that recently occurred at our house.
    Add your Twitter:


  5. Marilyn J. Prange


    Dear Amy, That’s why we old folks in Florida… who have family back north go to a Chinese restaurant on Christmas…no regular ones are open on Christmas day!!! Anyway, after telling my niece in Michigan that we were going ‘Chinese’, the family planned, cooked and sent via Fed Ex our Christmas dinner all the way to Florida arriving on Christmas Eve!!! All we had to do is place in the oven and enjoy…OH! I forgot to tell you a honey_baked ham was included. What a wonderful, loving surprise. It will take us a month of Sundays to eat it all, however. Heard Mary C. enjoyed her visit…too bad she couldn’t have stayed for your Christmas dinner!!!!. Happy New Year, good friend, Puddercat


  6. Nasreen Iqbal

    That’s pretty funny. It’s one of those times you think, “Please let him have done this because I REALLY want to be able to tell this story!”
    Nasreen Iqbal recently posted..Thumbs Up!



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