A Short Conversation with my Dog about Vacation

ME: Here we are! Sunny Florida!


Ok, so maybe this isn’t that bad.

GORDON LABRADOODLE:   Whew, that ride was brutal I — wait, what the hell is this?

ME: It’s Florida! Isn’t it great?

GORDON: Great? It’s like 1000 degrees here! Are you telling me we left home, where it is a perfect 32 degrees, and drove 15 hours to get to this hell hole?

ME: It’s 75 here. It’s perfect.

GORDON: Ah, no, Miss “I’m Not Wearing a Full Fur Coat.” This is terrible. I think I’m dying… I’m dying…

ME: You’re not dying. You’ll love it. We’re going to go to see Nonny and Nanny and Pop Pop, and go to the beach

GORDON: (Snaps head in my direction) Stop saying words I know. That’s what got my nose pressed against the air vent for 15 hours in the first place. “Want take a ride in the car?” you said. What was I supposed to do? NOT JUMP IN THE CAR???

ME: I don’t know why car rides get you so excited. They’re almost always to the vet.

GORDON: Next thing I know you’ll be saying “treat” and I’ll end up someplace where there are giant reptiles that can eat me or something ridiculous.

ME: Treat.

GORDON: (Snaps head in my direction) Where?!

ME: No. Not really. But there are giant reptiles that  can eat you here. And giant cats.

GORDON: You are a sick, sick woman.

ME: Look! Here comes Nonny now!

GORDON: Oh no. What is that?!

ME: Nonny?

GORDON: No, I know her. She’s soft and she feeds me when you’re not looking. I love that bitch. I’m talking about that thing next to her.

ME: That’s her dog, Izzy. You remember Izzy don’t you?

GORDON: *sniffs* NO! You’re kidding me! I hate that bitch!

ME: You really shouldn’t call people bitches.

GORDON: What? She’s female isn’t she?

ME: Well, yeah, I guess…

GORDON: This is going to be the worst vacation ever.

ME: You want to go inside and get a treat?

GORDON: What? Hell yeah! Whoo whoo!! Gimmee!

(follows me wherever I lead)

Amy Vansant

2 Responses

  1. Sarcastic Ninja

    See, at least you can have some back and forth with Gordon Labradoodle. When I’ve had cats in the past, any conversation was just me saying something, and the cat giving me a withering look of “You’re such an idiot.”


  2. Olivia Jenkins

    So lovely. I also want to talk to my dog. Typically, I with my dog only communicate each others by glint. So, I understand the dog’s thinking. Sometimes, I want my dog confide in me. I usually shout him when I am angry, he is very sad, but he doesn’t, he sees quietly. Can you tell me how to talk with my dog? Thank you



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