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A Short Conversation with my Dog about Vacation

ME: Here we are! Sunny Florida!


Ok, so maybe this isn’t that bad.

GORDON LABRADOODLE:   Whew, that ride was brutal I — wait, what the hell is this?

ME: It’s Florida! Isn’t it great?

GORDON: Great? It’s like 1000 degrees here! Are you telling me we left home, where it is a perfect 32 degrees, and drove 15 hours to get to this hell hole?

ME: It’s 75 here. It’s perfect.

GORDON: Ah, no, Miss “I’m Not Wearing a Full Fur Coat.” This is terrible. I think I’m dying… I’m dying…

ME: You’re not dying. You’ll love it. We’re going to go to see Nonny and Nanny and Pop Pop, and go to the beach

GORDON: (Snaps head in my direction) Stop saying words I know. That’s what got my nose pressed against the air vent for 15 hours in the first place. “Want take a ride in the car?” you said. What was I supposed to do? NOT JUMP IN THE CAR???

ME: I don’t know why car rides get you so excited. They’re almost always to the vet.

GORDON: Next thing I know you’ll be saying “treat” and I’ll end up someplace where there are giant reptiles that can eat me or something ridiculous.

ME: Treat.

GORDON: (Snaps head in my direction) Where?!

ME: No. Not really. But there are giant reptiles that  can eat you here. And giant cats.

GORDON: You are a sick, sick woman.

ME: Look! Here comes Nonny now!

GORDON: Oh no. What is that?!

ME: Nonny?

GORDON: No, I know her. She’s soft and she feeds me when you’re not looking. I love that bitch. I’m talking about that thing next to her.

ME: That’s her dog, Izzy. You remember Izzy don’t you?

GORDON: *sniffs* NO! You’re kidding me! I hate that bitch!

ME: You really shouldn’t call people bitches.

GORDON: What? She’s female isn’t she?

ME: Well, yeah, I guess…

GORDON: This is going to be the worst vacation ever.

ME: You want to go inside and get a treat?

GORDON: What? Hell yeah! Whoo whoo!! Gimmee!

(follows me wherever I lead)

Amy Vansant

Amy Vansant

Amy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries.
Amy Vansant

2 Responses

  1. Olivia Jenkins

    So lovely. I also want to talk to my dog. Typically, I with my dog only communicate each others by glint. So, I understand the dog’s thinking. Sometimes, I want my dog confide in me. I usually shout him when I am angry, he is very sad, but he doesn’t, he sees quietly. Can you tell me how to talk with my dog? Thank you



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