Email This Post HomeHumorAmerican Children are Wimps Amy Vansant February 20, 2013 Humor 19 Comments Are American Children coddled? A while back there was an interesting article from CBS news called “Why my Child will be Your Child’s Boss.” In short, the author, Suzanne Lucas, talked about how in Switzerland, teachers regularly give 3-year old boys and girls saws and send them into the woods to play with wolverines and cook hot dogs over open flames. They actually have a “forest teacher,” like a gym teacher only with deadly objects instead of rubber balls. She basically said American children are wimps. I don’t have kids, but I’m totally on her side, which I can say without hesitation — except for ONE SECOND while I carry my dog down the stairs so Mr. Clumsy doesn’t trip again! There you go Stumble McTripperson! You want to go back up now? Oh. Well, all right, baby, here we go! Wheeee! OK, sorry about that. What was I saying? Oh right, American children are bratty little wimps who think the world should be handed to them on a plate, and why not? It ALWAYS HAS BEEN. Tell American children to clean their room and they’ll text a grievance to Amnesty International. And furthermore— Excuse me, just a sec… My dog is making this adorable little huffing noise he does when he’s trying to get my attention. What’s that StinkyButt? Does baby want a treat? Just a second… there you go… belly rubs all around! Yea! Alrighty, where was I? Oh, right, American children are wimps. Little momma’s boy-crybaby-BRATS. I have an example of American children in action. My one niece is tough as nails because she was the first and Daddy was around to scare the beejeezus out of her with a look. Her younger sister grew up while Daddy was on the road and Mommy dotes on her. If she can’t have candy-coated chicken nuggets for every meal she starts screwing up that little cherub face and the waterworks start, because that ploy always works on Mommy. But when Aunt Amy is there, it’s a different story. “Not me, Chica,” I tell her, doing my best scared-straight ‘you’re on MY cell block now‘ face.™’ ” Aunt Amy doesn’t play that,” I tell her. “If you think I’m going to carry you home when I WARNED you this walk would be too long for you, you and your impractical toddler shoes have another thing coming. Wait. It looks like your puppy has something in his paw. He limped once just a second ago, but you probably missed it, what with all your ‘but I’m only three! My tongue is swelling from thirst! blah blah blah’ whining. So I’m going to take him home. Does little gimpy want a treat to make that paw feel all better? Yes? Yes, he does? Ok, kid, I’m taking the dog. I’ll see you back at the house. Why don’t you quit your crying and drop and give me 20 before I go?” And you can believe that walk made my niece a tougher person. Later, she thanked me for teaching her a life lesson. “Aunt Amy,” she said, “Thanks SOOOOOooo much for punishing my lazy feet. Although I may never again be able to walk without this little hitch in my giddy up, I will figuratively walk tall for the rest of my life. Bless you for your tough love.” Or something like that. I wasn’t totally listening because the dog had gotten a bit of his bone caught up in his cheek. It’s SO cute when that happens! He chews and chews and finally he walks over and puts his face in my lap so I can push it out of his cheek and into his mouth. Just adorable. And you don’t see HIM crying about it. American children. Bah. First seen on Scary Mommy. About Latest Posts Amy VansantAmy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries. Latest posts by Amy Vansant (see all) New Pineapple Port Mystery, New Audio Book, Giveaway & Deals - May 26, 2019 Winners of the name the puppy contest, giveaways and deals - May 17, 2019 Name the puppy in Pineapple 9, BIG giveaway and deals - May 8, 2019 19 Responses SarcasticNinja February 20, 2013 Playing with wolverines builds CHARACTER. And scar tissue. Very important for toughening up. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant February 20, 2013 As a child my parents had me play with a Tasmanian Devil infected with rabies and Chlamydia, and I think it made me what I am today. 75% scar tissue. 1 likes Reply Abby February 20, 2013 I totally agree with you, but then again I don’t remember any of my childhood. My parents made me drive truck at age 7 to earn my keep and after an unfortunate incident walking to and from school in 3 feet of snow with no shoes, I slipped and cracked my head open. Memory? Gone, but it made me who I am today… What was I say? Oh yes, fun post! 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant February 20, 2013 Well you’re responsible for it! You posted that you’d had something on Scary Mommy published, and I’d never heard of it. I went, checked it out, and wrote this for her! 0 likes Reply Abby February 20, 2013 I thought I had read it before. And yes, I meant to include the typo in my comment here above. You know, for comic effect… 0 likes Reply bill February 20, 2013 we were never inside ,our parents had to come out and we’d hear our named yelled all over the hood to come in after being out all day even after school we’d go till dark. today forget about it ! i was 17 and in the army ,18 /19in nam 20 discharged . my kid ? he didnt leave his room till he just went to college lmao. he texts the other day,this is hard! i said compared to what ? gameboy ? x box ? welcome to earth son… 0 likes Reply Athena HM February 20, 2013 Finally, someone points out the virtues of my parenting techniques. 1 likes Reply Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point February 20, 2013 Oh my god, I just realized we have no wolverines in our house. Just these sissy cats. They sell wolverines at Babies R Us right? 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant February 21, 2013 They do, but go early and often. They ALWAYS sell out. 0 likes Reply Lance February 20, 2013 agree As I child, my folks put me in the hobo car of a westbound coal train and I arrived Reno just in time to kill a man just to watch him die. Kids today are smarter about, sex, drugs, technology, and where mom and dad blog about their naughty thoughts. Other than that they’re more sheltered. Now, I will throw my 3 girls in flaming pit of falming cheetos and six knife weilding spider monkeys. One of my kids knows judo. Things could go either way. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant February 21, 2013 If the monkeys win, let me know – I have some nieces that could use some toughening up… 0 likes Reply Natalie the Singingfool February 21, 2013 Wolverines are only step one. Step two? Chupacabras. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant February 22, 2013 I like your attitude. 0 likes Reply Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd February 22, 2013 If we ever have kids we’re going to be very tough but will also have to explain why their parents baby talk to one of the dogs and call him a “Teddly Bear” – the L is not a typo. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant February 22, 2013 And I’m going to have to explain why I think “teddly bear” is ADORABLE! 0 likes Reply winopants February 24, 2013 Haahah, all of this. Better to spoil the doggie than the child though, as doggie won’t be required to pay a mortgage someday 0 likes Reply Shelley February 24, 2013 There is some amazing parenting going on in the comments above. I’m tucking a few of these ideas away for when I run out of ways to prove to my kids that a mother’s love is deep. Maybe even deeply disturbing. 0 likes Reply Damien Galeone February 25, 2013 I once made a nun vomit via telekinesis and stitched my own gaping wound with battery acid and shoe laces. Or wait, maybe that last thing was MacGyver. Yeah. that was definitely MacGuyver. But the other thing: All Me. And LSD. 0 likes Reply Jon February 25, 2013 Oh my gosh! My kids are going to be dominated in real life. Been using stuffed animals and candy to “toughen” them up. It’s not working! I need wolverine. 0 likes Reply Leave a Reply Cancel Reply Your email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* Website Add me to Amy Vansant's Humor Newsletter!
SarcasticNinja February 20, 2013 Playing with wolverines builds CHARACTER. And scar tissue. Very important for toughening up. 0 likes Reply
Amy Vansant February 20, 2013 As a child my parents had me play with a Tasmanian Devil infected with rabies and Chlamydia, and I think it made me what I am today. 75% scar tissue. 1 likes Reply
Abby February 20, 2013 I totally agree with you, but then again I don’t remember any of my childhood. My parents made me drive truck at age 7 to earn my keep and after an unfortunate incident walking to and from school in 3 feet of snow with no shoes, I slipped and cracked my head open. Memory? Gone, but it made me who I am today… What was I say? Oh yes, fun post! 0 likes Reply
Amy Vansant February 20, 2013 Well you’re responsible for it! You posted that you’d had something on Scary Mommy published, and I’d never heard of it. I went, checked it out, and wrote this for her! 0 likes Reply
Abby February 20, 2013 I thought I had read it before. And yes, I meant to include the typo in my comment here above. You know, for comic effect… 0 likes Reply
bill February 20, 2013 we were never inside ,our parents had to come out and we’d hear our named yelled all over the hood to come in after being out all day even after school we’d go till dark. today forget about it ! i was 17 and in the army ,18 /19in nam 20 discharged . my kid ? he didnt leave his room till he just went to college lmao. he texts the other day,this is hard! i said compared to what ? gameboy ? x box ? welcome to earth son… 0 likes Reply
Athena HM February 20, 2013 Finally, someone points out the virtues of my parenting techniques. 1 likes Reply
Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point February 20, 2013 Oh my god, I just realized we have no wolverines in our house. Just these sissy cats. They sell wolverines at Babies R Us right? 0 likes Reply
Lance February 20, 2013 agree As I child, my folks put me in the hobo car of a westbound coal train and I arrived Reno just in time to kill a man just to watch him die. Kids today are smarter about, sex, drugs, technology, and where mom and dad blog about their naughty thoughts. Other than that they’re more sheltered. Now, I will throw my 3 girls in flaming pit of falming cheetos and six knife weilding spider monkeys. One of my kids knows judo. Things could go either way. 0 likes Reply
Amy Vansant February 21, 2013 If the monkeys win, let me know – I have some nieces that could use some toughening up… 0 likes Reply
Natalie the Singingfool February 21, 2013 Wolverines are only step one. Step two? Chupacabras. 0 likes Reply
Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd February 22, 2013 If we ever have kids we’re going to be very tough but will also have to explain why their parents baby talk to one of the dogs and call him a “Teddly Bear” – the L is not a typo. 0 likes Reply
Amy Vansant February 22, 2013 And I’m going to have to explain why I think “teddly bear” is ADORABLE! 0 likes Reply
winopants February 24, 2013 Haahah, all of this. Better to spoil the doggie than the child though, as doggie won’t be required to pay a mortgage someday 0 likes Reply
Shelley February 24, 2013 There is some amazing parenting going on in the comments above. I’m tucking a few of these ideas away for when I run out of ways to prove to my kids that a mother’s love is deep. Maybe even deeply disturbing. 0 likes Reply
Damien Galeone February 25, 2013 I once made a nun vomit via telekinesis and stitched my own gaping wound with battery acid and shoe laces. Or wait, maybe that last thing was MacGyver. Yeah. that was definitely MacGuyver. But the other thing: All Me. And LSD. 0 likes Reply
Jon February 25, 2013 Oh my gosh! My kids are going to be dominated in real life. Been using stuffed animals and candy to “toughen” them up. It’s not working! I need wolverine. 0 likes Reply
