Anti-Mommy – Baby Purse

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I know how Mother Theresa must have felt. Sometimes, when you see a need – nay, an injustice – you just have to do something about it.

I am tired of watching people schlub along with their babies strapped to them like so much extra ammo. You can take a perfectly fine looking woman, hang a kid in a sack on her, and *poof!* — she is instantly transformed into a 1900s Polish potato picker.  Sling it to the side and she looks like a dirty little hippie momma. Put it on her back and she looks like a pack animal. Strap it to her front – my god. I can’t even discuss that atrocity. What’s even the point of having boobs at that point?

That’s why we’re releasing the new Anti-Mommy Brand Baby Purse. You may have already seen Paris or Lindsay strutting in and out of the trendiest clubs with their Baby Purses. Poodles and Maltese puppies in handbags is SO 2008.

Why would you want a mutt sticking out of your purse when you can show the world you are so rich and important you can use human children as accessories?  Even a designer dog will only cost you a few thousand dollars. Have you seen the price tag on a white male baby lately? Not only have I revolutionized fashion, I have finally found a way for those demanding poop factories to make themselves stylish.

The Anti-Mommy Baby Purse comes in an array of fashion colors, from solid lime with chocolate trim to leopard skin. Simply slip the baby inside, and zip it from either side so that the head is locked into the center of the purse. (Babies sold separately). If the baby has not been properly sedated prepared for the purse, simply pull the zippers a bit tighter and the fussing should cease.

The Baby Purse comes in two sizes:

Large – for every day people wishing to make a statement.

Small – for the truly rich and successful who can afford to swap in and out an endless supply of Preemies, which, of course, are more expensive.

The cost of the child accessories vary wildly, depending on race, gender and overall attractiveness. On a bit of a budget? Don’t worry. You can get a female Chinese baby accessory for a song.

If you can’t afford to purchase a child for your Baby Purse, you may of course use your own. If you decide to take this route, be sure to pick up some of the Anti-Mommy Brand Labor Inducing Cocktail so you can have a good two or three months of Premium Preemie use before downgrading to the larger purse.

Amy Vansant
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2 Responses

  1. Amy

    “If the baby has not been properly sedated prepared for the purse, simply pull the zippers a bit tighter and the fussing should cease.” Love. My husband predictably shouts “Benadryl” on planes when loud children are present. I giggle of course, but one of these days a mother will kick his ass and I’ll get to laugh extra loud. Have you seen how big a mom’s biceps get when they inevitably forget you’re allowed to put the baby down on occasion?


  2. Amy Vansant

    A friend of mine, otherwise thin as a whip, had arms like a Russian sailor after toting around the kid, so you’re right, he should be careful! Or she could just pretend to be walking casually down the aisle and tilt the kid in his directions, knowing full well that will launch sour milk vomit in his lap.



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