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Signs You’re a Bit of a Bitter Betty After a Breakup… for Taylor Swift

Amy Vansant
Humor, Pop Culture
13 Comments

taylor swift bitter breakupAfter a messy breakup, don’t use the experience to grow. Not when you could enjoy a proper seething and make that coldblooded gecko humper regret every moronic thing he’s ever done or at  least fear for his life or his car’s paint job or his collection of baseball cards he accidentally left in your garage like he’s ever going to see those again ha ha ha.

Signs you’re tad bitter:

hear1t

You bleed breakup bitterness into conversations with others (preferably that Ass Clown’s friends so they can tell old Pee Wee Penis himself how righteously angry you are and that you look amazing and that he’s made a terrible, terrible mistake.)

Friend:  This is a good cheese steak.

You:  Harry is a cheese steak.

Friend: Huh? I mean this steak is really meaty.

You: Harry’s stupid face is really meaty. 

Friend: Um. Ok. Why don’t  you eat yours before it gets cold?

You: Oh, you mean cold like Harry’s ice cold heart?

Friend: *sigh* You’re hopeless.

You: Harry’s hopeless.

hear2t

You stand underneath butt-munch’s window playing “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morissette wearing only one of those 1940’s bikinis that look like granny panty diapers. That shit is terrifying. When he comes out to confront you, make it clear that it is totally a coincidence that you’re in his neighborhood under his window holding aloft a boombox with skulls painted on your body in blood that you collected from him while he was sleeping.

Totes cowinky-dink. Duh.

Then explain to him what a boombox is and that you borrowed it from your grandmother. Give him a copy of Say Anything and explain you’re the John Cusack character, only bittery-er.

heart3

taylors awful bikini

You write an insulting song about your breakup that is nominated for the MTV Video Music Awards. Attend the awards, and when the demon spawn subject of your song addresses the audience, roll your eyes and say “Shut the fuck up.” Jump out of your seat and dance like a bitter, bitter, alien-limbed marionette and do your best to draw attention to yourself so Poopyhead McAssholian can see how good you are with the whole breakup thing. Then, win best video for the breakup song you wrote, and just in case Detective Dickface didn’t read that your song was about him on the 40 billion entertainment web sites that reported it, announce that the subject of your song is in the audience and that he knows exactly who he is and note that all his bullshit just won you an freakin’ award, beeotch!

Pause while all the old “been there, done that” ladies face palm with embarrassment for you.

(Note: Peel Miley Cyrus off Robin Thicke to step in and make some sort of gang sign when you say “beeotch” because she’s good at that stuff.)

I guess it helps if you’re Taylor Swift  for this one.

I don’t think I’ve ever yelled at an ex-boyfriend. Ever. I’m not a yeller. I’m not a fit thrower. If something is done, it’s done.
– Taylor Swift in Elle’s March 2013 Issue

Riiight, my Baroness of Bitterness. My Petulant Princess. My Songbird of Splitsville.

Never let them see you sweat, honey. And for god sakes, get a new bikini.

Harry Styles 1, Taylor 0.

Amy Vansant

Amy Vansant

Amy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries.
Amy Vansant

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13 Responses

  1. Lance

    My 17-year-old daughter idolizes Swifty.

    http://youtu.be/bnvH3G5OXZE

    That video is me interviewing my daughter as to why. Yes, she’s that lovely and yes, I’m really that awkward.

    Swifty has the habits and style of a sixty-year-old woman. What twenty something chick goes antiquing? Yet, she has the emotional maturity level of a 12-year-old. She may be the worst musical superstar of all-time.
    Lance recently posted..100 Word Song – Once

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    • Amy Vansant

      Mike and I were discussing how weird it was to us that the more immature she gets, the more it endears her to her immature female fans. For instance, when I looked up the embed code for that video, one of the first comments was “She said ‘shut the fuck up, I LOVE her!’ Whaaa?

      Interestingly too, on almost all the video clips I perused, someone said “She said ‘sorry for my arm’ to Selena. Um, no. Obviously no. Her camp doing damage control??
      Amy Vansant recently posted..Signs You’re a Bit of a Bitter Betty After a Breakup… for Taylor Swift

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  2. Sam Whiteoak

    I love this. Totally spot on. It was only a couple of months ago that I realised this girl was, like (Oh I sound like her!) actually a woman of 23 or something??? I honestly thought she was about 17 going by her lyrics. I have a teeny bit of sympathy for her, having been ‘the dumped one’ on more occasions than I can remember…but last time, I tried a totally different approach and had the couldn’t give a shit attitude, which confused the arse hat & his new girlfriend…..which didn’t take much to be honest because they share a brain cell….*sigh* I think I feel a blog post coming on….
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    • Amy Vansant

      Thanks! I feel bad for her, in the sense that I am grateful my young love life didn’t get played out in the press, but doesn’t she have a MOM or someone to tell her how awful she comes off when she shows how insecure she is? Come on, Swift mama – talk to your girl!
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  3. cj

    Amy! You had me at “coldblooded gecko humper”, but thankfully, I read on. “Pee Wee Penis” is got a good chuckle too! Taylor is heading for a double chin. I can see it coming. Then she can compose bitter tunes for that as well…
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  6. Tressa

    Sigh. As we languish in our obscurity and maturity it is so easy to throw rocks at a young girl who hasn’t been normal for since 16. Kudos to her for NOT being Miley Cyrus, Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Kim or any of the other Kardashian Whores.

    Shame on those who degrade her for dating around.

    Could she handle her shit better — without a doubt, but then so could everyone of us. She’s worth 10 of Justin Biebers.

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  7. Julia

    Hilarious! I don’t think you’re picking on her for dating – she just needs to grow up! She’s 23, not 10 – nannynannybooboo I got an award from you dumping me made me cringe too.
    But yes, I’d rather see a bitter girl then whatever the heck Mylie was!!

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    • Amy Vansant

      From what I’ve heard women love it and men hate it. But I’ve always been a poor excuse for a lady so… that explains that!

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