Email This Post HomeHumorBest Skin Lotion Since Rendered Orphan Fat Amy Vansant April 6, 2013 Humor, Product Reviews 18 Comments The Best Skin Lotion EVAH! This is one of those little posts I do when I find something that makes me giggly. Last time it was Salted Caramel Vodka, so lotion might be a bit of a let down, but if your shins look like an alligator purse in the winter, you might appreciate this. This is not a paid “best skin lotion” advertisement, though I certainly wish it was. CeraVe is the best skin lotion since rendered orphan fat. We all like to appear young, and sure, usually I rely on the rendered fat of orphan children, but the witch down the street bought a house way over her head using a “stated income” mortgage, and they finally evicted her. I did not mind losing the flying monkeys (you think bird poop is bad) but I did miss the youth potion. So yes, clearly the rendered fat of orphan children is technically the best skin lotion, but witches are harder to harder to find. There has been an absolute explosion of orphan children since she left, though, so if you’re in the market for one of those, just let me know. They aren’t as bad as the flying monkeys, but all their “thank you may I have another” blah blah blah. Anyway, I’ve gotten off track. The point of this post is to let you know CeraVe is the best skin lotion! Mike and I used to use Lubriderm, which we thought was the best skin lotion (in the reasonably priced arena). Every time I go to the store there is a new one: Lubriderm Intense Skin Lotion, Lubriderm Advanced Formula, Lubriderm Extreme Octopus Spit – they’re out of control. But somehow we ended up with CeraVe and were immediately amazed. I should add here that we probably found out CeraVe was the best skin lotion because Mike researches things like “the best skin lotion” and “what organs in my body could be failing at any given moment.” He’ll be bummed if he doesn’t get credit. So, if everyone could just stand and give Mike a little applause… thank you. Please tell him his color looks good, too. Why is CeraVe the best skin lotion? It’s thin, so you don’t end up using a TON of it every time you step out of the shower. It makes your skin feel like it has a silky barrier that lasts for like 24 hours. This is what we loved best. I feel like some sort of X-Man with a Silky Protective Barrier Against Evil – which would of course be a sucky X-Man power, but still. Because you’re rockin’ the silk barrier, your skin heals and no more alligator skin. I buy it from Amazon, because I psychotically avoid shopping: CeraVe Moisturizing Lotion, 12-Ounce Bottle And that’s it! CeraVe is the best skin lotion EVAH! Best Skin Lotion Side Note: While I was looking for a photo of the CeraVe bottle I bumped into another review that featured this photo. Yeah…I’m not touching this. Author Recent Posts Amy VansantAmy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries. Latest posts by Amy Vansant (see all) Pineapple Hurricane is Released + Even More Giveaways (three chances to win a kindle) - June 4, 2020 Too Many Book Deals, Steals, Kindle Giveaways… - May 27, 2020 Name the Hurricane Winners, Win a Kindle + Books - May 19, 2020 18 Responses Molly April 6, 2013 Wow, I needed to see this. My hands have been like sandpaper all winter and nothing has helped. Will check it out! 0 likes Reply Lance April 6, 2013 Orphan Fat was my punk band I formed in juvy. seriously, that pictures screams “here’s what happened to me when I got drunk on spring break with the football team”. 4 likes Reply Amy Vansant April 6, 2013 Yeah, I’m going to call that photo “naivete.” 1 likes Reply Christine April 6, 2013 Great. Now I’ve got this song stuck in my head! 1 likes Reply Amy Vansant April 6, 2013 Ha! Thanks now I do too – DAMN YOU! 0 likes Reply Christine April 6, 2013 MUAHAHAH! My evil plan worked! 0 likes Lisa Newlin April 6, 2013 You know, I’ve found that orphan fat is getting harder and harder to find because the orphanage down the street doesn’t feed the kids things to fatten them up. Pft! Some people are so insensitive about the needs of others. I will have to check this out. Everyone needs a good moisturizer. What really sold me? The photo of the different blobs on the arm. It just sold me for different reasons. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant April 6, 2013 Again, I can’t take credit for the blobs. That was some other person’s brilliant porn, er, photo. And orphan fat is so precious BECAUSE no one feeds them properly. But expensive. The witch took my soul for a year supply, but to my defense, it was REALLY dry that winter. 0 likes Reply Jen Anderson April 6, 2013 Nice. I may check this out. What’s kept me from wanting to peel off the skin from my legs this winter is African black soap with shea butter. It’s even really good on the face. I use this brand: http://www.amazon.com/Shea-Moisture-African-Butter-SEALED/dp/B005C2N8IC I discovered them at a holiday gift fair a few years ago, but some of their products are in Duane Reade/Walgreens. It’s a little weird using black soap, but I got used to it. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant April 7, 2013 Ooh, thanks, I’ll try that! Winter sucks, spring has allergies, summer’s too hot, fall allergies again. I can’t win. Every little bit helps! 0 likes Reply Nina Potts April 8, 2013 does it list all of that “no fragrance, no lanolin, no dyes, parabens, formaldahyde” stuff? My allergist told me to start getting Vanicreme, which is super thick so it lasts a couple months, and since I get a rash from looking at the outdoors, or any kind of pretty bathroom products, its all I can use so far. But its also $20 a bottle. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant April 8, 2013 Ah, you, my fragile little flower, let me see..I think it’s based out of New Jersey so probably not. HA! (I’m allowed to say that because I’m from NJ and I know people who know people.) It says “non-cmedogenic and non-irritating”… Does that help? 0 likes Reply Damien April 8, 2013 I used to use a lotion made of unicorn souls and the used sleeve-tissues of retired nuns. But then they became all commercial… Since I live in Prague, a city which has a winter dryer than Bob Newhart, I will order this post-haste! 0 likes Reply Claire April 22, 2013 My dermatologist recommended this and I thought he was just getting me to buy something he owned stock in, but perhaps I should think again. 0 likes Reply Ro April 23, 2013 I always check skin products at this website, ewg.org. A zero means safe and no toxins, and it goes up from there. here is the info for Cera ve. I would personally never use a product with a 3 or higher. looks like the main offender in this cream is a paraben. 🙁 http://www.ewg.org/skindeep/product/281135/CeraVe_Moisturizing_Lotion/ 0 likes Reply Jess May 1, 2013 Oh dear…judging by the blobs in that picture some people may need a bit of medication. It’s nice to finally have an alternative to orphan fat. Now to find an alternative to the Elizabeth Bathory blood-of-virgins youth serum bath. 0 likes Reply Gibby May 29, 2013 I’ve never heard anyone call it ‘skin’ lotion. Body lotion, maybe, but skin? Isn’t that implied? Maybe this is a regional thing. 0 likes Reply Stephanie Lise Lamoureux June 7, 2013 The best qualities of a skin care lotion is always: odorless, thin based texture, long lasting moisture, and hypoallergenic to avoid allergic reactions. More people these days are prone to skin allergies that ever, too much pollution perhaps or too much crap in cosmetic products. Your description sounded wonderful, will have to try it out! ~ from a beauty junkie 😉 0 likes Reply Leave a Reply to Molly Cancel ReplyYour email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* Website Add me to Amy Vansant's Humor Newsletter!