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Brad Pitt Chanel Commercial

Brad Pitt Chanel commercialThe new Brad Pitt Chanel commercial has been described as “smoldering.”

If they mean “smoldering” like Christian-Bale-in-American-Psycho-getting-his-business-card-trumped smoldering, then yes, I agree.

In the Brad Pitt Chanel commercial, Brad plays that guy. You know that guy. He holds eye contact for too long. He stares off into middle distance as he waxes Hallmark-poetic about his painful life as a misunderstood musician/mixed-media artist. He laments that few women have known the depths of his tortured soul, with the possible exception of that nightingale of sorrow, Sarah McLachlan. Oh, and Trent Reznor.

He’s that guy who wants to spend hours lovingly body painting your naked torso while reciting 18th century Nordic poetry, and then make a woman suit out of your skin. The “smoldering” will be your bones in an abandoned industrial space fire pit.

Luckily, the Brad Pitt Chanel commercial is so jaw-droppingly ludicrous, you won’t worry Brad spent the day dancing in front of a full length mirror with his junk tucked between his legs and Angie’s enormous dismembered lips pressed over his own.

What you DO know, is that somewhere, George Clooney is laughing his ass off.

There is a 98% chance George Clooney bet Brad Pitt $5 that he wouldn’t rock a Van Dyke beard/greasy poet locks and recite a script Clooney himself wrote on the back of a napkin with The Big Book of Deep & Romantic Platitudes open beside him, and then film the whole mess for a new Chanel No. 5 commercial. Because once you see the Brad Pitt Chanel commercial, you know he didn’t sell every ounce of Pitt cool for a mere 7 million dollar paycheck.

Or maybe it was the money. College tuition for 43 kids is a bitch.

Or maybe it made him COOLER. He knows it’s hysterical and that is WHY he did it.

The second the Brad Pitt Chanel commercial aired, Saturday Night Live writers called an emergency meeting to start developing a parody, and then said “Screw it.  We can’t make it any funnier.”

The words from the script of the Brad Pitt Chanel commercial:

It’s not a journey. Every journey ends, but we go on. The world turns and we turn with it. Plans disappear. Dreams take over. But wherever I go, there you are. My luck, my fate, my fortune. Chanel No. 5. Inevitable.

That last word was a reference to the parodies about to flood the media.

The Brad Pitt Chanel Commercial

For the whole black and white (naturally) commercial, the lighting shifts, like there is a bare bulb above Pitt swinging back and forth. It kind of makes me feel like James Bond is being abandon-warehouse tortured just off camera.

Pitt rolls his eyes as finishes the line: “Every journey ends, but we go on” as if in his head, even he is finishing with “on and on to the break of dawn.”

But no. This is the horrifying moment I realized he might do the whole commercial with a straight face.

As he says “The world turns and we turn with it” Brad looks to the left, and I had one last flash of hope that he would add “Like sands through the hour glass… so are the days of our lives…”

Nope. From start to finish, whole Brad Pitt Chanel commercial is 50 Shades of corny.

A slow clap to you Mr. Clooney, wherever you are.  Even if you weren’t responsible, you are going to LOVE THIS.

The Brad Pitt Chanel commercial might even be funnier than my favorite perfume commercial of all time: Saturday Night Live’s “Red Flag” starring Kristen Wiig.

Nah. Wiig still wins by a nose.

Amy Vansant

Amy Vansant

Amy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries.
Amy Vansant

32 Responses

  1. Abby

    Jen from “When Pigs Fly” blog posted this the other day. As I told her, George gets my vote over Brad–for anything and everything. So creepy.

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    • Amy Vansant

      I know, I saw hers and was like DOH! I was going to do that too! But hey, who ISN’T blogging about this trainwreck…

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      • Abby

        “Trainwreck” is being nice. If his Fight Club buddies get wind of this crap, his ass would be beat to a pulp. But…at least he would smell good, right? Right?!? Inevitable.

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  2. SarcasticNinja

    Maybe the script was poetry from a depressed 13-year-old fan who threatened to kill herself if he didn’t read it? “And it had better be in the style of Edward Cullen!”

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  3. Tracy

    His “I’m so attractive I don’t need to continue grooming myself” look never did much for me.

    But even big fans have to be thinking, “what a douche.”

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    • Amy Vansant

      Me either. How disappointing to have a handsome boyfriend and then have him go Grizzly Adams on you when you’re already invested.

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  4. Soynailcider

    Haha. That was awful. They need to build a bigger place so Brad can take a sh*t, shower & shave.
    At least in Legends of the Fall his hair was clean.

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  5. Lance

    I’m thoroughly convinced that Kristen Wiig isn’t acting in that Red Flag parody because something that pretty, that funny, and that talented has to be f*cking crazy, right?

    On our second date, I asked Bobina who she thought was “hot” or whatever. When she didn’t say Brad Pitt, I knew she was worthy of a third date.

    BTW, Pitt is a good actor. He did that ad with a straight face 98 percent of the time.

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    • Amy Vansant

      I always thought he was a pretty good actor, but I definitely think he’s a genius now for getting through it with a straight face.

      More importantly… Is he going to get demoted from your site for this?? Maybe you should do a reader poll on a new tough guy to represent…

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      • Lance

        no

        that club we’re not supposed to talk about is iconic. No one holds Brangelina against Tyler Durden Brad.

        BUt what the hell…I’ll do it anyway

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    • Amy Vansant

      Yeah. Kristen would never do such a stupid commercial for 7 million dol… yeah. yeah she would. I’d do one a day for a year.

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  6. Vesta Vayne

    Ha! I’ve read a few posts about the awfulness of this commercial. It’s kinda hard to blame him. I mean, clearly he didn’t sit through hair and makeup, and it looks like they did one take. Seven million dollars for a half hour of work? Sounds like a good deal to me:)

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  7. bschooled

    HA! Those commercials give me the same kind of icky feeling I get while taking the walk of shame. And not in a good way.

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    • Amy Vansant

      Everyone knows you only date online foreign orphan herders… I assume you mean as you walk away from your keyboard still wearing yesterday’s clothing…

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  8. Stacey

    When I saw the commercial my reaction was more or less “Bwahahahahaha. Is that for real?”

    The Kristen Wiig one is spectacular. I’m so glad you shared it.

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    • Amy Vansant

      Yes – I was like a deer in headlights for a good two minutes afterwards, mouth agape in shock. He must have seen the final cut while muttering “7 million, 7 million” over and over in his head.

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  9. Tim Sayles

    Well … I for one thing it’s damned deep and thought-provoking. I mean, “the world turns and we turn WITH it”? Holy fuck, that blows my mind! . . . Plans disappear? Dreams take over? Sweet Jesus! My whole construct has been turned on its head. I think I need to go to a mountaintop somewhere, be alone, work this all out. Goddamn.

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  10. Amy B

    I freakin’ LOVED “Red Flag”.

    However, the Brad Pitt commercial did not make me laugh. It made me get up and dead bolt my door and hide under the covers because I was so weirded out by it. Seriously… am I too stupid to understand it!??!?!

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  11. Natalie the Singingfool

    By the time I got to “Like sands through the hour glass… so are the days of our lives…” I was suppressing snorts of laughter. Well played, my friend.
    Well played.

       1 likes

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