Email This Post HomeHumorFood & Cooking HumorCaffeinated Cracker Jack Amy Vansant December 1, 2012 Food & Cooking Humor, Humor 6 Comments Frito-Lay announced they’ll be releasing a caffeinated version of Cracker Jack, which surprised the millions of people who thought Cracker Jack disappeared about the same time Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier and signed with the Brooklyn Dodgers. Cracker Jack is a molasses-flavored, candy-coated popcorn and peanuts snack grandparents used to push on kids because they thought Cracker Jack and Werther’s butterscotch hard candies were “swell.” For the most part, kids promptly dumped out the burnt-tasting popcorn, avoiding the repulsive peanuts as if they were covered with spiders, in order to get to the famous Cracker Jack prize hidden inside every box. The prizes used to be little plastic toys, but have devolved into comics printed on paper because somewhere between 1912 and 2012 kids lost the basic common sense to not swallow little plastic trinkets. Now, with everyone from soft drink manufacturers to jelly bean makers adding caffeine to their products, Cracker Jack is hopping on board with Cracker Jack’d caffeinated popcorn clusters, a move that has some consumer watchdog groups in an uproar. Never mind that some energy drinks have been linked to deaths and heart attacks; the real horror is a bunch of hopped up senior citizens reminiscing about the gams on Ginger Rogers. Take me out to the ball game, Take me out with the crowd. Buy me some peanuts and cracker jack, I want to feel like I just snorted crack. Maybe the new toys could be tiny defibrillators with adorable little chest paddles. Author Recent Posts Amy VansantAmy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries. Latest posts by Amy Vansant (see all) Pineapple Hurricane is Released + Even More Giveaways (three chances to win a kindle) - June 4, 2020 Too Many Book Deals, Steals, Kindle Giveaways… - May 27, 2020 Name the Hurricane Winners, Win a Kindle + Books - May 19, 2020 6 Responses SarcasticNinja December 1, 2012 I love your song! Soon Coca Cola will need to go back to including cocaine in its recipe to keep up with the competition. And maybe throw in some amphetamine-laced Skittles. 2 likes Reply Stacey December 1, 2012 God I hated Werther’s. 0 likes Reply Beduwen December 1, 2012 When I was a kid in Saudi Arabia, the Cracker Jacks we got were all melted together in one big square block that we slid out of the box. The first time I actually got a box (on a Stateside trip) that was normal, my mom said I shook it and said, “It’s broken!” Ah, the memories. Loved that yummy sweetness! 0 likes Reply Natalie the Singingfool December 3, 2012 I’m sorry, but trying to make Cracker Jacks “hip” by adding caffeine is so unnecessary. And futile. 0 likes Reply Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point December 4, 2012 Oh good, I can now start eating them first thing in the morning to give me that pick up I need. Look out Starbucks. 0 likes Reply Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd December 5, 2012 The prize could be a Valium to bring you down if needed. 0 likes Reply Leave a Reply Cancel ReplyYour email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* Website Add me to Amy Vansant's Humor Newsletter!