Email This Post HomeHumorDog HumorChesapooch Bay – Not all water dogs are created equal. Amy Vansant August 24, 2011 Dog Humor, Humor 13 Comments This article first appeared in the September 2011 issue of Chesapeake Bay Magazine. You can read the printed article (with additional photos) in PDF form here. When I moved to Annapolis some 16 odd years ago, I immediately started to notice some area trends. For one, I was pretty sure there was a law that said you had to buy a Labrador retriever, throw it in the back of a Jeep Cherokee, and drive around with boating equipment on your roof rack — more than likely on your way to get an cocktail and shake Old Bay seasoning on everything that didn’t move. Dogs, cocktails, bay, food — this, I thought, was the place for me. Blending like Russian spies in New Jersey, my husband and I actually did get the Cherokee and a little center console boat; but I couldn’t bring myself to get the Labrador. I’ve always been a sucker for fluffier dogs, so when the time came we adopted a chocolate Labradoodle instead. Labradoodles have all the goofy sidekick traits of a Lab, mixed with all the devious genius of a poodle. My husband named him Gordon because as a child he had a cat named Flash and always wanted a dog named Gordon. I kid you not. If you think Labs are goofy, you should meet my husband. People tend to think more of circuses than water sports when they think of poodles, but they actually are water dogs. We had high hopes Gordon would be an avid swimmer. To get him started, we took him to Quiet Water Park’s doggy beach and tossed a favorite toy just a few feet into the water. He ran after it, waded carefully up to it, and then tried to pick it up. Unfortunately, with all the bobbing, the toy he handled so nicely on land would not hold still long enough for him to get a good grip on it. He looked more like an ostrich with his head in the sand than a mighty water dog. We watched, dismayed, as our little genius dog repeatedly tried to drown himself over a rubber hot dog. We tried again with a common, every day stick. Again, the bobbing confounded him for a bit, but after a while he was plowing into the water, swimming, grabbing the stick and returning with it. Success! That is, until we threw the stick and another larger dog (one of those ubiquitous Labs) retrieved it before poor Gordon could get to it. Unaware someone else had fetched his toy, Gordon proceeded to try and paddle across the South River, neck craning in every direction like a jheri-curled Loch Ness Monster, determined to find the ball or die trying. I had my shoes off and was about to start swimming after him before he finally heeded our calls and came back to shore. Maybe boating would be safer, we thought. He could even be useful on a boat. Labradoodles are so smart and so eager for jobs to keep their minds occupied that we figured we could teach Gordon to mix us the occasional a Mount Gay and Coke on ice. With lime. Picture Stephen Hawking’s mind in five year old child’s hyperactive body. Then teach it to make cocktails. Genius. Almost immediately, our idealized version of our brilliant dog took a crippling blow. Gordon spent his first several boat rides staring at the wake off the bow of the boat like each foamy ripple was personally calling him out. Had we not held him back he would have jumped in and taught that uppity wake a well-deserved lesson. It was something a… well…. like something a dog would do. Not our furry little person. We shook off the disappointment and tried again by taking him on my father’s much larger boat. Since many dogs like to act like a hood ornament at the bow of their Master’s boat, and all dogs are built like coffee tables, we assumed Gordon had a solid sense of balance. Then, on this very steady, docked boat, Gordon managed to fall off the transom. Once in, he made a beeline for a young girl swimming in the bay, as if she were a mermaid he had to claim as his own. The poor screaming girl kept trying to stroke away, while my well-meaning Labradoodle came after her like the Aquatic Mummy, slowly and relentlessly paddling along. Jaws would have been a much less suspenseful movie with Gordon in the title roll. Not to mention less scary, because he looks like a Muppet. The Jim Henson version of Jaws is just not going to have the impact of the original, but for the girl in the water the idea of being bear-hugged midstream by a 60lb wet ball of Muppet was scary enough. Foamy wake, toy or mermaid – if it is in the water, our dog thinks it is his duty to get it out of the water. The first two boat experiments had not gone well, but we were determined to try again. We spent a weekend on a 28ft cabin cruiser with another couple and our dogs. That’s four people, one 60lb Labradoodle and one 110lb Rhodesian Ridgeback. Gordon actually loved being in the cave-like mid-berth, and pretended to make room for us as we were falling asleep. But strangely, every morning when I woke up, I found myself balled up in my pillowcase and the Labradoodle stretched out like a Playboy centerfold in the center of the bed. Dogs are like Hitler when it comes to mattress space – they’ve got most of Europe but they’re still going to make a play for Russia. Nala the Ridgeback, on the other hand, settled herself politely on the floor so Mom and Dad could stretch out in the forward berth. Hm. Score one for Nala as a boat dog of the year. While docked at the Cambridge Hyatt, Gordon nearly fell twice jumping from dock to boat or boat to dock. Big tall Nala gracefully stepped out of the boat like a visiting queen. Score two for boat dog Nala. Did I mention that Rhodesian Ridgebacks hail from Africa and generally live in the desert? Finally, I spotted Gordon’s chance to shine. The hotel/marina had a little beach, and I knew Nala didn’t like to swim. We could go over to the beach and throw the stick in the water for Gordon. After all, our furry little Rainman was an excellent fetcher. Excellent. Excellent fetcher. We all went to the beach. I found a stick and tossed it in. Gordon bolted into the water, gracefully paddled to the stick and brought it back to the shallow water. That’s when Nala walked up to him, took the stick from his mouth without the slightest resistance, and delivered it to me. Gordon did all the work and Nala received all the glory. Score three for Nala. We admitted defeat. Gordon would never be the ultimate water dog; the consummate boating buddy. We gave up and bought Gordon a little pool for the backyard. He’s never been happier. Author Recent Posts Amy VansantAmy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries. Latest posts by Amy Vansant (see all) Pineapple Hurricane is Released + Even More Giveaways (three chances to win a kindle) - June 4, 2020 Too Many Book Deals, Steals, Kindle Giveaways… - May 27, 2020 Name the Hurricane Winners, Win a Kindle + Books - May 19, 2020 13 Responses Abby August 24, 2011 Gotta love, Gordon. I think we’re actually a lot alike, minus the jheri curl and four legs thing. While I show such potential and enjoy boat drinks, I just can’t get into boating. Give me a kiddy pool and a lawn chair (he can use a lawn chair, right?) and I’m happy as a clam. Or, more appropriately, happy as a Labradoodle stretched out like a Playboy centerfold in the center of the bed. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant August 24, 2011 The fact that you know he poses like a centerfold means you must be simpatico with him… though it is really more Hustler when he does that. 0 likes Reply Cordelia August 24, 2011 I feel for you. Our black labrador retriever (lab = water, retriever = obvious) neither enjoys water activities nor retrieves. Anything. You could throw a piece of bacon right past her nose and she’d look at you like, “What, I’m supposed to go GET that?” When we got our new puppy, the fact that she had a normal, active play instinct delighted us to no end. I am, however, jealous of your Muppet. Because of it’s aforesaid Muppetness. 😛 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant August 24, 2011 He is very muppety! Congrats on dominating the universe lately, by the way! 0 likes Reply Cordelia August 24, 2011 Why thank you! Someone’s gotta do it. 😀 0 likes Reply Jessica August 24, 2011 Gordon is freaking amazing and I love him. My dog Hendrix was petrified of water all last summer. He hated it. Then one day we let him run out into a creek, leashless, and he chased after some birds for about 20 minutes while I stood panic-stricken not sure how to chase a dog through a creek. But he came back. And now he likes water. Win-win. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant August 24, 2011 Gordon says thank you. Actually he said “yeah yeah, I’m adorable. Does she have a treat?” but I like to filter his rudeness. WIn win as long as you don’t mind helplessly watching him swim around just out of arm’s length! 🙂 0 likes Reply elle marie August 24, 2011 I want to give Gordon a big hug! I’m not sure if I mentioned this, but my parents live in Annapolis as well, transports from NYC/slash Jersey Hybrid. The practically live at the yacht club. And the earthquake? How bizarre? My mother wrote me and said that she now understands what I go through a few times a week… gah! 0 likes Reply Stacey August 24, 2011 I got cheated. My Labradoodle has the body of a poodle and the brains of a Lab. Anna has a kiddie pool, but hasn’t really figured out how to use it. Mostly she just stands in it and looks at us. If I put ice cubes in there, she’ll splash around a bit. Gordon really does look like a Muppet. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant August 25, 2011 Did I know you had a doodle? Awesome. They are really the best dogs I’ve ever had. Maybe your dog is still searching for his/her “inner poodle.” 🙂 0 likes Reply Courtney August 30, 2011 Aw! Gordon is adorable! Our dog was never much of a water dog either. In fact, she was quite terrified of water.. 0 likes Reply Laura Mahoney September 2, 2011 My family loves Gordon. Any recommendations for a breeder for labradoodles? We live in Chester County, PA, but have a house & boat on the Bay. Thanks! 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant September 3, 2011 I’m afraid I don’t know anyone local – they show up in shelters around here fairly often though if you’d like me to send you the notices people send me! Might be a little older than a puppy though… They are AWESOME dogs! 0 likes Reply Leave a Reply Cancel ReplyYour email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* Website Add me to Amy Vansant's Humor Newsletter!