Email This Post HomeHumorDog HumorCSI: Labradoodle Amy Vansant April 12, 2011 Dog Humor, Humor 13 Comments My husband Mike and I were taking our daily walk in the woods, when we came upon what can only be described as an EX-animal. Strewn about in the middle of the path, were chunks of white bone and a softball-sized clump of graying flesh. “Crime of passion,” I said, surveying the murder scene. “Look at the way the bones are carelessly scattered about. And there is hardly anything left of it. This wasn’t a robbery.” “I don’t see any wallet or purse,” agreed Mike. “But I think the body was dumped here. This doesn’t look like the scene of the attack. There is no blood.” It is possible that Mike and I watch too many real crime shows on television. A larger question than motive for the murder leaped to our Dateline-addled brains. Our victim was virtually unidentifiable. A piece of skull, maybe a few crushed ribs or leg bones, and one blob of flesh that resembled an alien egg more than anything that used to walk the earth, were all we had. Surely, no one we knew could identify the body from these meager remains. “It’s a fox,” Gordon, our Labradoodle, said in his head. Not so much in words, but rather, Gordon pictured the foxes he’d chased through these woods before, and recognized the scent even in this rotting, broken-down version. Unfortunately, we can’t see Gordon’s picture words. I poked at the fleshy part of the carcass with a stick. “What the heck is it?” “A fox,” said Gordon. “I can’t tell from these bits of bone…” said Mike. “Yo, dumbass, it’s a FOX!” said Gordon. He can curse quite a bit when he’s agitated. We’ve been working on that.I poked around a bit more and found a clump of brown fur inside the rubbery chunk o’ animal. “It had brown fur,” I said, pointing it out to Mike. “Oh, you mean like a fox?” said Gordon. He can be rather sarcastic as well. I think that’s from the French Poodle side. “Maybe like a baby deer?” asked Mike. “Like a WHAT??” screamed Gordon. But the shape of his mouth really hindered his verbal indignation, and it came out more like “woof!” We decided to move on, eventually coming across the lower jaw bone of an animal. “Hm, so, it was definitely a mammal, with molars…” I said. “Hmmm… like a… let’s see… FOX?!!” said Gordon. Gordon tries not to think about how stupid we are. “Maybe someone’s little dog got loose and a fox grabbed it?” suggested Mike. Gordon snapped his attention to Mike. “Did you hear me say dog, Gordon?” asked Mike. Gordon stamped his curly feet. “NO, you said FOX, goddammit!! FAAHHHHXXXXX!” “Too big to be a little dog a fox could carry,” I surmised, watching Gordon appear to yawn. “But maybe just right to be A LITTLE FOX,” said Gordon. “We’ll have to send the remains to the lab for DNA testing,” I said. “We don’t have a lab,” said Mike. “Oh, right. That’s on TV. Oh well, guess we’ll never know. Leave it, Gordon, let’s go,” I said, walking on. Gordon heaved a great sigh and said something I really don’t feel comfortable repeating. We really have to work on his language. About Latest Posts Amy VansantAmy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries. Latest posts by Amy Vansant (see all) A Screaming Bobcat, Another Free Book, Giveaway, Steals & Deals! - February 5, 2020 A Thank You & Free Short Story, Pineapple Disco 99c, Win a Kindle Reader - January 30, 2020 Two Big Favors (YOU can get me on TV), Giveaways and Deals - January 22, 2020 13 Responses Abby April 12, 2011 This is quite possibly the best post I’ve read in a week. It cracked my ass up and once again made me grateful that my dog cannot actually verbalize half the crap he witnesses me do. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant April 12, 2011 Thank you! You wouldn’t believe how much I had to edit what Gordon really said so as not to offend too many people. We play this game at home where he is “Mr. Pumpernickel” when he speaks in a very refined English accent, but then he becomes “Mr. Rye” where he curses up a storm and is very rude. We maybe should get a hobby or something. 1 likes Reply Angela DiCarlo April 12, 2011 This was so funny! I laughed my ass off while reading it because it reminded me of my miniature French Poodle. OMG What dogs could say if they could actually talk! Mine would have cursed me out a long time ago for being soooooooo stupid! You know those French! They think we are” stupeed americuns puooo!” Thanks for sharing your story! Loved it! 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant April 12, 2011 Thank you! I wish I could laugh my ass off. It would save me a lot of dieting. 0 likes Reply You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... April 12, 2011 “We don’t have a lab,” said Mike Yes you do- a LABradoodle, to be exact. 😉 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant April 13, 2011 Ba- dum dum! 0 likes Reply The Reason You Come April 16, 2011 What a fun read! Thanks, I needed a laugh! 🙂 Poor Gordon, though. It’s infuriating to not be understood. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant April 16, 2011 Well, and we just caught him trying to EAT that piece of flesh 2 weeks later. Sure it looked like beef jerky, but he’s fired from CSI. You just can’t have the detectives EATING the victims. 0 likes Reply Christine April 19, 2011 I need to quit reading these in Starbucks with a sip of coffee in my mouth. 0 likes Reply Josie February 17, 2012 My little French poodle gets very indignant with me in situations like this! He curses me out and gives me the sneeze of righteous indignation whenever I stupidly am not understanding what he is trying to tell me. What a funny post, and I could definitely relate to it! 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant February 17, 2012 Yes! I know the indignant sneeze! That really is a thing! 0 likes Reply Carrie January 25, 2013 Gordon is so smart. The last time Chester the morkie found a dead animal he rolled in it and it took me forever to wash the stench of death off of him. *sidenote Dear neighbor who asked if I had seen your cat recently…..I retract my no. Please come and get it before the other dogs roll in it 1 likes Reply Amy Vansant January 25, 2013 Gordon has attempted a death roll in the death before but we screamed in horror and basically hip tackled him away from it. LOL on the sidenote! 0 likes Reply Leave a Reply Cancel ReplyYour email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* Website Add me to Amy Vansant's Humor Newsletter!