Everyday Things that Mock Me – Loofa Mitt

I despise my loofa mitt.

I like the idea of exfoliation. Even Ed Gein probably didn’t like being covered in his own dead skin. But the “scrubby gloves” I’ve been using for the last year have started to smell like an ammonia-soaked corpse, even after running them through the washer. So, I went looking for a replacement.

Bath and gift shops sell scrubby balls of crinoline that look more like they should be attached to the headband of a 7 year-old pageant tart than in a shower. I don’t think anyone has actually ever used one. They’re just for making pretty “luxurious bath time” baskets that people buy for relatives and girlfriends because they require little thought, but seem thoughtful; like roses from a gas station or high school student poetry.

A brush on the end of a stick is nice for reaching the small of your back, but awkward for the rest of  you; especially in a shower about the width and depth of a coffin. In that environment, Brush on a Stick is hard on the elbows.

I loved my scrubby gloves, but feeling like I should try and make a real change, in the end I bought a loofa mitt.

I realized my mistake almost immediately.

The mitt is too wide and easily slips off my little paw. My hand swims around inside of it like a heroin addict in last year’s wardrobe.

Unlike the gloves, which allow me to use both hands to wash simultaneously, the mitt restricts me to one-handed washing. Then I have to switch hands to reach the other side of my body, which is particularly difficult because my left hand defected years ago and seems to work for someone else. I certainly have no real control over what it does. It only stays with me out of fear, thanks to a threat of violence from my loyal right hand.

Whereas the gloves allowed me to employ all the nimbleness my fingers could afford, using the mitt is like beating yourself with a club foot. And it is much too scratchy. I want to gently slough off dead skin cells, not scale a fish.

The horror of Loofa Mitt doesn’t end there. Knowing full-well it had fallen wildly short of it’s intended purpose, Loofa Mitt decided to add insult to injury — probably on the recommendation of my left hand, who has employed this tactic before. On day two, I picked up Loofa to give it one more shot, and found it had curled up like a dead insect with an impenetrable exoskeleton.  The gnarly loofa half of the mitt was hard as a rock. I could wear it like a cuff and block bullets like Wonder Woman.

What good is a mitt that turns into an unchewable hamster tunnel after one use? Useful for hamster owners, yes, but not everyone who purchases a loofa mitt has a hamster.  I, for example, do not have a hamster.  But I think Loofa knew that.

Loofa Mitt has spent the last two weeks in my shower, stuffed between the towel bar and the wall, mocking me. The pink felt lining on the inside of the curled tube makes the whole thing look uncomfortably like a sex-education cross section of the female reproductive system. I shouldn’t have to avert my eyes every time I need to bathe.

Soak it in water to keep it supple you say? HA! That is exactly what it wants. If left in water no doubt Loofa would spring back to life and I would wake up one night with it clamped across my face. A day later my chest would explode, unleashing an army of Loofa Mitt larva upon the world. That is probably from where my own hell spawn of a mitt arrived — no one could actually manufacture such utter pieces of shit on purpose and still be able to sleep at night.

I need to throw out Loofa Mitt and end my misery.

There are two reasons why I haven’t.

First, I hate to use something once and then just throw it out after spending good money on it.

Second, about a year ago I bought the same loofa mitt at the same store and threw it out after one day. I totally forgot.

So, now Loofa mocks me from its perch behind the towel bar. Loofa knows I can’t throw it out. Loofa knows I can’t bear to waste money on it twice.

Loofa knows.

Amy Vansant
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17 Responses

  1. Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd

    You could line the shower walls with astroturf and just kind of flail around in there for exfoliation. And your loofa mitt looks like a disturbing arch Strawberry Shortcake would be married under.


  2. maggie

    And so, the lesson I have learned from this is. . . do not read your posts when I’m dieing of the plague and have stuffed kleenex up my nostrils to stop the obnoxious flow of disease snot. . . results in snorting out the kleenex with laughter. Not pleasant.

    that was probably more than you needed to know about my evening.

    I don’t think we’ve ever tried the loofa mitt. . . my mum had loofa on a stick for sure. And the brush on a stick. But the brush on a stick, the brush head came off the stick so it was easy to use on whole body. I kind of liked that brush. I’ve also used those ridiculous poofs. They annoy me. They require a lot of body wash to be effective. Pretty sure they are made by body wash companies to ensure you need to buy more wash more often.

    ..i had forgotten all about those scrubby gloves though… hmmm… wonder if I could find some somewhere. . .


  3. Amy Vansant

    I like the body wash use conspiracy theory. I TOTALLY agree. Scrubby gloves RULE. I think I finally got a new pair at bath and body works or something like that…online of course. I wouldn’t go into a mall unless it was a giant box propped on a stick tied to a string and you lured me in with s’mroes.

    Sorry you’re sick!


  4. lafemmeroar

    The loofah would make a good bathroom cleaning sponge. It’ll get the dirt out without scratching the tiles. That’s what I did with mine.


  5. loudlyshy

    I read with a smile on my face until the statement about waking up with it clamped across your face. Two things: first it made me laugh hysterically. Then, I got sort of anxious at the horrifying thought of waking up with an inanimate object not where I left it. D=


  6. bschooled

    Ha! I can’t tell you how long I’ve spent trying to understand the mystery that is the loofah mitt. In fact, it wasn’t until a few years ago that I actually realized what it was used for.

    Whenever I would see one (in a friend’s bathroom, etc.) I just assumed it was some creepy memento from the ocean.


  7. Ericka

    One word: rocks. They hurt like hell but I have never looked more smooth. And slightly bloody.


  8. Ashley

    I saw the pictures before reading and thought ‘Is that a seashell?’ ‘Is that a vagina puppet?’
    So there’s an idea of what to use it for – vagina puppet theater.



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