Film Evidence my Husband is an Idiot Savant

Idiot Savant Definition:

a person affected with a mental disability who exhibits exceptional skill or brilliance in some limited field (as mathematics or music).

My husband, Mike, is an idiot savant. This might strike you as lucky for me, in that we can go on road trips to Vegas and make millions thanks to Mike’s card counting skills, but he isn’t that kind of savant. Definitely. Definitely not. Nor can he pluck music from the air and instantly create it on piano, or calculate the size of the universe. He’s not that useful sort of idiot savant.

Mikey is an idiot savant in the truest sense of the word.

My husband is an Idiot Idiot Savant. A savant at being an idiot.

idiot savant

Shortly after meeting Mike’s mother for the first time, she was crying laughing at something he said. We’re talking break out the Depends, call-the-ambulance-this-woman-has-stopped-breathing crying laughing. Consequently, almost the first thing I ever heard her say to him was “You’re so stupid!”

I remember being jarred by the comment. What sort of mother calls her son stupid? Seemed a little harsh. Especially when she was turning all purple like that. She had to really try to call him stupid.

I totally understand now. Now I say that phrase every day.

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while you may have a taste of what an idiot idiot savant Mike is, but now, Animal-Channel like, I’ve captured the essence of it on film for the first time. Well, actually, he captured it. Because he’s an idiot.

Idiot Savant Theatre Presents: Attack of the Falcon

The Scene:

INT: Night

Mike says he’s going to stay up to watch baseball. I rise from the sofa and head to bed, because it is late (for me) and because I’d rather go to the prom with Pinhead from Hellraiser than watch baseball.

As I begin to fall asleep, Mike walks into the darkened bedroom. On the bureau across from the bed, just inside the door, there is a phone/camera perched on a neat little tripod I bought for making Vine videos. It is there because we’ve been trying to nanny-cam-style capture the dog, who sneaks off and humps my pillow whenever he gets frustrated. (I didn’t say we weren’t both idiots.)

Mike sees the camera and announces we’re going to make a sex tape.

I immediately know I am in trouble. Not because Mike has any interest in making a sex tape. Exactly because I know he has no interest in making a sex tape.

Mike announces there is one rule to the sex tape: I have to refer to him as “Falcon.” I have no idea where this came from. He has never asked me to call him Falcon before.  Cheetah, sure, but never Falcon.


He is so stupid.

Mike starts the video.

Shit. Here we go…

I start chanting a fevered litany of “Michael. Michael. MICHAEL” as he approaches me, but there is no stopping the Falcon. He pretends to be a bird of prey repeatedly attacking me. Which tickles. A LOT. I doubt falcons tickle their prey as a rule, but he’s an idiot savant, not a falcon savant.

Sadly, what you can’t see because the video is dark is that in-between attacks he turns to the camera and smiles like a lunatic to show that he knows he is being filmed because that exactly what a person actually making a sex tape would not do.  Let me be clear: he isn’t pretending to be a falcon, he is pretending to be a porn star named Falcon making the worst porn of all time. If you asked Mike to make a sex tape, this is what you would get.

Be sure to have on the volume as you watch the Falcon caught on tape, as it is my laughter that really elucidates what daily life with an idiot savant is like. If you’re at work don’t have it too loud because it will sound like someone is being murdered in your cubical, and after all the time you took hiding the evidence of the person you really did murder in your cubical, discovery now would be sad and ironic.

Oh, and don’t forget to win a wine cartoon tee shirt! 

Amy Vansant
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14 Responses

  1. cj

    If I had to choose a favorite part of the post, it would be ” the dog, who sneaks off and humps my pillow whenever he gets frustrated. (I didn’t say we weren’t both idiots.)”, but the entire thing is a gem. I am so happy that there is a married couple as stupid as we are. We really ought to have the first Stupid Olympics this summer. No one watches the real ones anyhow.


    • Amy Vansant

      I’m afraid taking Mike to a “stupid-off” would be like coming to a gun fight with a nuclear weapon. HE IS UNBEATABLE. Honestly, you have no idea. I spend half the time laughing and the other half looking for valium. 🙂


  2. Tammy R

    The details of this “adventure” really brought it to life, Amy. It is so helpful to get a glimpse inside your marriage. It makes me feel that we are not alone in this world of wackiness, that we are ok and can put off therapy for another week or two. I really, really wish the lighting were better because to see The Falcon’s face as he “turns to the camera and smiles like a lunatic.”


    • Amy Vansant

      Thank you… the only upside of the lighting is that if you could actually SEE him, he probably would have made me promise not to post it. Because it was dark he figured I wouldn’t so I was able to sneak it up here before he could stop me!


  3. Lance

    judging by your acting, I assume you were the Snowman, you know The Falcon and the Snowman?

    Okay, I don’t deserve a wine t-shirt.

    BTW, it is weird I’m watching this again because I laughed so hard,



    • Amy Vansant

      It’s such a shitty quality video but the sound of other people laughing is so infectious I figured it was worth it! (since I’m clearly hysterical during the attack). Thanks! And since I’ve just started my summer diet, I suppose I am sort of snowman shaped!


  4. SarcasticNinja

    To be fair, representing a maniacally grinning, fully clothed, tickling porn star called Falcon shows some imagination!

    Also, “The Falcon Tickler” does sound like it could be a sex toy. Either that or the failed sequel to The Horse Whisperer.


    • Amy Vansant

      Little known animal professionals The Falcon Tickler. That’s hilarious! I so want to steal that – it’s got McSweeneys article all over it!


  5. slapshot

    Now I see the problem. You see, my ex wife never called me an Idiot Savant, she just said I was an idiot. Maybe, if I’d been better at it, we’d still be married… or not.



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