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Find a Penny, Pick It Up and All Day Long You’ll Have Good Luck (Terms and Conditions Apply)

Amy Vansant
Humor, Literary Humor
20 Comments

*Lucky Penny must be found in the heads up position for activation of good luck. Any luck received from a tails-up penny is purely coincidental. Tails-up pennies are retrieved at your own risk, and serve only to set into motion the gears of your inevitable death. Upright Lucky Pennies are just fucking with you.

Lucky Pennies provide luck exclusively in their native lands. Foreign penny luck may only be transferred or traded with foreigners for shells, Christmas ornaments, human trafficking and one-trick ponies (ponies with more than one trick not included). Scottish pennies are not lucky if clenched in the fingers of the angry Scotsman lying next to it. Canadian pennies given as tips are about as lucky as you’re going to get.

If you step in front of a train, Lucky Penny does not guarantee you will survive. Lucky Penny will not admit to urging you toward the edge of the tracks. Lucky Penny is not responsible for the things you thought you heard it whisper in the dead of night.

Lucky Penny is not sanitized for your protection, and is by definition a dirty piece of road trash.

Calling Lucky Penny a “dirty piece of road trash” renders all luck services null and void. Lucky Penny has feelings, too, and may lash out. Lucky Penny is seeing a counselor about these sudden rages and would appreciate it if you got off his fucking back about it.

Lucky Penny would like to point out that nobody has ever heard of a “Lucky Quarter” and Dime can kiss his shiny copper ass.

No shirt, no shoes – Lucky Penny cannot get you service.

Lucky Penny’s strength may be enhanced by rubbing it against a Buddha belly, but is not guaranteed. Rubbing Lucky Penny on the belly of your fat cousin Steve while he is sleeping has no effect other than making his high, freeloading buddies giggle uncontrollably.

Holding Lucky Penny may induce an uncontrollable urge to see films directed by Penny Marshall. Lucky Penny has seen “Big” 13,234 times.

Lucky Penny is not to be offered for someone’s “thoughts.” Lucky Penny finds this degrading, isn’t interested in your thoughts, opinions or feelings and thinks you’re getting pretty big for your britches to think otherwise. What are you? “Captain Introspection?” Piss off.

Void where prohibited.

 

AUTHOR’S NOTE: I would like to announce I am going to pull back on the literary fiction. The people have spoken. I started a little campaign to get published on just about every literary fiction site out there and watched as every publication and subsequent reposting here sent my blog views and subscriptions into a nosedive. Turns out everyone loves getting published on literary fiction sites, but no one actually reads them. Who knew. So, I’m going back to writing about being kid-free, drinking wine, idle hands/devil workshops, yaddah yaddah. That being said… this piece ran on Feathertale.com. It’s short. And it’s funny without taking itself too seriously I think, so…forgive me.

 

Amy Vansant
Latest posts by Amy Vansant (see all)

20 Responses

  1. Abby

    My grandma used to pick up every penny, and one time years ago she was walking out of the grocery store with the bagger kid and bent over to pick one up. He asked her why she bothered to pick up a penny, to which she replied, “You’re taking my groceries over to that new Cadillac in the first row. Does that answer your question?” Then again, I don’t think she was aware of these terms and conditions. If she was, she probably would have chewed the penny a new asshole.

    Anyway, I have also decided that writing for money doesn’t exist. Well, it does, but no one ever pays me to do it–blogging or fiction or otherwise. So I will also just continue to rant on my blog to my dozen devoted demented readers 😉 Glad you’re sticking around!

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  2. Amy Vansant

    Oh, there were never any promises of money with the literary magazines. I still jump on every opportunity to write for actual money!

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  5. basia

    I found a lucky penny last week. I dropped it into my pocket and now I can’t tell which one it was. All I remember is that it was dull and copper and made me think, “I made more money from this sidewalk than I ever will selling my words.” I cried myself to sleep. Lucky me.

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  6. Scargosun

    I am not super superstitious so I am just stitious? Anyway, I refuse to pick up a penny face down…actually any coin face down will send me to the other side of the road/sidewalk/bed etc. I have a problem picking up bills too since the local radio station started ‘poo dollars’. Ew. I am betting they are not running pennies up their crack so they are the safest bet…heads up…literally.

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    • Amy Vansant

      I won’t pick up pennies face down either. I’m Ego-Centrically Superstitious. I believe if I THINK something bad could happen, I can MAKE something bad happen, and picking up that penny would make me think that.

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  7. iampisspot

    I did not know that it’s bad luck to pick up a penny that is lying face down. Fuck. I’ve been doing it for years.

    I also collect playing cards that I find in the street. It has to be a single card, no decks allowed. I keep them in my car. People think I am weird. They’re probably right.

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    • Amy Vansant

      You’ve been picking up face down pennies? Yikes. We’ll, at least you know why every bit of bad luck you’ve had in your life happened.

      I like the card thing. I saw one of them the other day and have seen many in the past. It would be interesting to see if you could ever get a full deck…

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  8. Jen

    I’m glad I know the lucky penny rules now. Does it work if you just plant them for yourself to find? I’d be in to having some wishes granted.
    And, yes, everyone seems to want to get these things published but then they don’t get read. I’m so frustrated I’ve taken a bit of a sabbatical from the whole blogging thing.
    Love the new look of your blog, by the way.

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    • Amy Vansant

      You don’t get WISHES. For that you have to throw them in a well. C’mon Jen, keep the RULES STRAIGHT.

      Getting away from the “every day rambling” blogging made me appreciate it. Now I’m back with a vengeance and re-invigorated. Or drunk. One of those. Maybe both.

      Oh and thank you! Stole this theme from Manonthelam.com. I’d been eyeing it for a while and finally made the move. It’s called Arras.

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  9. Jen Has A Pen

    I can’t believe the story to be told about a penny. You dig deep- deeper than I know how, to make the life of this enchanted coin so interesting.

    I have been blog-lazy, so I apologize for not coming by more often. I always enjoy what I read here. 🙂

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