Email This Post HomeHumorFree Stock Photography FAIL Amy Vansant September 1, 2012 Humor, Visuals 21 Comments Free Stock Photography, or “Shudder Stock” To celebrate Labor Day Weekend, I share with you my free stock photography fail session, suffered while searching for images of the working man/woman. In need of photos for a web design client with a temp agency, I went with Dreamstime.com’s free stock photography option first. I’m so glad I did. Free Stock Photography Keyword Search: “temp worker” If you aren’t sure you wanted to COMMIT to being a hooker, rest assured temp hooker positions are available. How did this photo even happen? Who puts a model in a 1970s (or current British) latex hooker dress and “Pretty Woman” thigh high boots and then thinks, “Hm… you know what we need? A shot of you with a laptop…” This is not “sexy secretary.” This is “dominatrix train wreck.” What if you forget Secretary’s Day? She might not honor the safe word. I was also offered this gem: Wait… don’t sit on the trash can and put the laptop on chair? Whaaa…? While she IS more appropriately dressed than her free stock photography temp counterpart, I don’t think this would make a good image for my client. Bragging that you offer temps who can’t differentiate between chairs and desks isn’t going to be a business booster. Plus, she looks pretty depressed to be scolded for doing it backwards AGAIN. That could bring down the whole office. Or she’s just imitating Kristen Stewart’s “happy face.” Somehow, I suspect this temp would also be “inappropriate for the work place.” Sure, I could get you that file… or maybe I could just loosen my tie here a little and…*bow chika bow wow…* Luckily, my client doesn’t just offer office workers. He also provides temp help for more industrial trades. Free Stock Photography Keyword Search: “construction worker” I’m sorry, but this man has never used a hammer for anything except killing his prom date. I don’t think that’s a level sir, that’s a tape measure, and you’re not using it… NO! WAIT! Sir, PUT DOWN THE HAMMER… Free Stock Photography Keyword Search: “technology worker” I HAVE PHONE! I HAVE TWO PHONE! Or perhaps you prefer a recent graduate from Bob’s Calculator College: But the one photo that appeared on almost every temp search was sure to solve ALL my free stock photography problems: Would you like a contraceptive sponge shish kebab while I put on my face? Are you cold? I might have another sleeveless snow bunny jacket here somewhere… About Latest Posts Amy VansantAmy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries. Latest posts by Amy Vansant (see all) Teach Your Dog to Talk, Win a Kindle, Deals & Steals - November 7, 2019 Winners of the Name the Skull Contest, Book Giveaways & Deals - October 29, 2019 The Vultures Show Up, Cool Furniture – Book Giveaways and Deals - October 15, 2019 21 Responses Nicole September 1, 2012 We have a subscription to iStock photo at work… we have spent many a day doing exactly this. Thanks for the laughs. Bob’s Calculator College made me guffaw. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant September 1, 2012 I can’t tell you how long I stared at that photo with my jaw on the ground. 0 likes Reply kath galasso September 1, 2012 I feel I have been missing so much just searching for sunsets, highways and inanimate objects. Who knew there was an entire comedic world in there. How fun. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant September 1, 2012 Apparently, you get what you pay for. And I paid for hooker temps. Which are quite reasonable. 0 likes Reply Tracy September 1, 2012 This is why I take a lot of pictures. I never want to have to rely on stock photos…although I only ever need photos for my own blog. This stuff is very funny, but I’m feeling a little panickey on your behalf. Did you end up finding anything appropriate? 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant September 1, 2012 Dreamstime actually has pretty good photos at reasonable prices – I just ended up actually paying for a few that weren’t obviously ridiculous. 0 likes Reply Meredith September 1, 2012 Finding good royalty free images for online projects (like my blog) has always been a crapshoot for me too. It is the biggest reason I just draw cartoons most of the time now to illustrate my points ;). 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant September 1, 2012 I wish I could, but I can’t draw for shit. 0 likes Reply Raymond September 2, 2012 Dude undoing his tie looks like a young k.d. lang… 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant September 2, 2012 Ha! Good call! 0 likes Reply Lonna September 2, 2012 Hilarious! Have you searched health care worker? 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant September 2, 2012 No, but I’m definitely scared to… 0 likes Reply Peter September 2, 2012 The first photo should be captioned “Craigslist Prostitute”. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant September 3, 2012 Oh I think she’s classier than THAT… 0 likes Reply SarcasticNinja September 3, 2012 These are amazing! You know, I think that last temp worker guy could be perfect for the latest opening at my company: “Sultry Eyecandy.” It’s hard to get people with solid tie loosening and piercing gaze experience on their resumes. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant September 3, 2012 I actually had a kid who worked for me once who had “EyeCandy” as his job description (he was a graphic designer… and under the impression he was pretty hot, so we humored him. 0 likes Reply Tim Sayles September 3, 2012 HiLARious, Amy! Thanks for sharing… 0 likes Reply Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point September 3, 2012 I have a calculator degree from Bob’s Calculator College. While I was there I also got a minor in wrist-watch reading. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant September 3, 2012 So you didn’t try for the wristwatch calculator master’s degree? Pity. 0 likes Reply Stacey September 3, 2012 The construction worker really does look like a serial killer. I was on a stock photo site yesterday. I used the search term “shy.” Apparently that’s code for “naked women.” None of them looked particularly shy either. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant September 3, 2012 I did not know that… but thanks for increasing the hit to this posting by like 100 fold… 0 likes Reply Leave a Reply Cancel ReplyYour email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* Website Add me to Amy Vansant's Humor Newsletter!