Bronx, New York – 40 year-old Mary Bretton insists she never saw it coming. Early yesterday evening the daughter that Ms. Bretton had spent over 15 years raising told her in no uncertain terms that she should have a “nice big cup of shut the hell up.” Ms. Bretton was stunned.
“I just can’t believe it,” a teary Ms. Bretton sobbed to reporters on the scene. “I mean, I’ve given her everything – I drove her to soccer practice every day until she was ten, changed her diapers when she was a baby, my husband and I even dressed up as My Little Pony for her 5th birthday!! Who could have seen this coming?”
Ms. Bretton explained to reporters that while she had been called “a huge doucher” by her daughter in the past, nothing had prepared her for what occurred Monday evening. At the time of that incident, she believed her daughter had simply stumbled upon her Summer’s Eve.
“They are so cute when they’re small,” sobbed a visibly shaken Ms. Bretton. “You never dream they will turn on you.”
Reporters asked Ms. Bretton’s daughter, Kim Bretton, what had spurred the attack.
“She sucks,” explained Miss Bretton. “She’s all like blah blah blah, so I was all like “Shut UP, Mom!” But then she was all like “you need to adjust your attitude missy” so I was like “Mom, why don’t you have a nice big cup of shut the hell up!”
Kim added: “And my name is spelled ‘Kymm.’”