Goofy Cougars – 10 Signs Your Cougar Days are Numbered


“Cougars” – aging ladies who try and recapture their fading youth by dressing like their daughters, upgrading through plastic surgery and hunting younger men, are very hip right now. You’ve got Courtney Cox playing one on a show actually called “Cougarville;” you’ve got the obligatory cougar jokes in every juvenile movie and sitcom.

But the other day, Mike and I ran into a phenomenon I hadn’t considered: The Goofy Cougar.

Sure, we’ve seen cougars who were trying too hard. The ones that look like their face has been drawn up into a knot behind their head. The ones who raided their eleven year-old daughter’s closet (there is something disturbing about fake double Ds in a Jonas Brother’s concert tee). But, we’d never seen a GOOFY cougar before.

From a distance, the cougar in question looked like a model. She was wickedly thin, dressed to the nines, and carried enough saline in her chest to keep a small school of fish alive for several weeks. But up close…wide googly eyes pulled up at the corners until they appeared feline, big goofy mouth with smeary red lipstick. She wasn’t naturally unattractive, but in her desperation to stay young had tweaked herself one too many times. She looked like Bugs Bunny dressed up as a woman. A deadly combination of bad face lifts and makeup spasms had combined to create the perfect storm of goofiness.

A few signs your cougar days are numbered:

  • All your younger lovers insist on doing it doggie style, tend to let a pillow fall over your face, or insist on it being very dark
  • People are confused when they talk to you because you always have the same expression
  • Your eyebrows keep getting lost in your hairline
  • You’ve had so much Botox you’re starting to baa like a sheep during sex
  • You keep your liposuction from your thighs in your closet, so they can pump it back into your lips as needed
  • When people see you they say, “That reminds me, I want to see the latest Tim Burton movie…”
  • Your plastic surgeon named a wing of his office after you
  • A typical date for you is dinner, sex, and then helping him fill out his college applications
  • You’re pretty sure you didn’t used to be Asian

If you aren’t willing to age gracefully – if you’re prepared and determined to fight the onslaught of time – remember one thing: You don’t want to look like Bugs Bunny in a dress.


Amy Vansant
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3 Responses

  1. Amy Vansant

    Yeah thanks for killing any chance of me getting work done today. I swear – if Heidi Montag and her TOOL of husband Spencer Pratt (great last name for him – English slang “idiot, un-cool, not liked.”) ever had a kid it would come out a one celled organism. And it would NOT be a brain cell.



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