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I am a poo gremlin.

Ever get in your car and it smells… not so fresh?

That happened to me recently. Got ready to go somewhere, hopped in my car and…

*sniff* *sniff*

What is that SMELL?

Late to get my car inspected, no time to see if someone had stuffed a body in my trunk again, I took off, windows open to enable breathing sans puking.

By the time I’d reached the inspection station the smell had gotten a bit better, but without the wind whistling by it regained a foothold. Before I could figure out the cause of the stench, it was my turn.

I pulled my car into the inspection bay and the man asked me to hop out. I smiled, opened my door and stepped out. He smiled and leaned into the car. He stopped. He sniffed. And then turned to glance at me.

He wasn’t smiling.

I opened my mouth to say “It wasn’t ME!” but he turned away, clearly disgusted.

Inspector guy thinks I left him a stinky gift for his troubles. Great.

As the man backed out of my car he stopped and looked at something on the inside of the driver’s door. Again, he looked at me.

What??

He looked away before I could launch into a story about how my car reeks and that the smell was there BEFORE I GOT IN and no, I hadn’t eaten low tide mud for breakfast, why do you ask?

He made his way back to the tailpipe shaking his head, no doubt happy to get away from MY tailpipe.

Testing over, I got back in the stinky car and noticed this thing in the side panel of my door.

OH NO.

Bag of poop.

I had taken Gordon Labradoodle to the vet and at the last minute grabbed that morning walk’s bag of poop. I didn’t know if the doctor needed some poop for Gordon’s poop test and I didn’t want them to have to dig for some. No one likes that.

Turns out poop was not a requirement for the day and my thoughtful gesture now made me look like a poop hording poo gremlin that travels around with a bag of poop at her side, spreading poop across the land. Like a rancid Johnny Appleseed.

I was Johnny Poopyseed.

I drove home, mortified, and properly disposed of the poop.

So my question is:

Do they make pine tree car air fresheners in Actual Size?

Amy Vansant

Amy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries.
Amy Vansant

18 Responses

  1. SarcasticNinja

    Johnny Poopyseed…Poor you! (And poor car inspector.)

    On the plus side, it’s about time when Christmas trees will be going on sale, and that’s about as actual size as they come. One should fit in the back seat, right?

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  2. Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd

    This has happened to me before – bag of poo in the backseat for a couple of days after a walk. Luckily, I didn’t have to have my car inspected. I would have chickened out. I admire you.

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  3. Nina Potts

    This only happens in my case when animals go to the bathroom and I can’t get the upholstery clean. That shit never comes out, no pun intended.

    Also, I still have a dead mouse in my freezer, but at least it doesn’t smell. Maybe you could put liquid nitrogen on the poo after it comes out, which might freeze the smell in?

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      • Nina Potts

        Oh he was living in our stove, his name’s Bob. Well, it was Bob. One of the cats caught him one day, he must have come out of the stove. My girlfriend was at work so I put him in a bag in the freezer until we could bury him. We really need to get around to that.

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    • Amy Vansant

      I’m sort of famous for getting out of tickets because my car smells like apple pies, so that would be a dramatic shift.. (that story comes out in Skirt Magazine (skirt.com) Oct. 1st… then here a while after that.)

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  4. Jessica Holt

    This is a great idea for people who have annoying friends who ask for rides. You can drop one of these bags in the passenger door and I bet they’ll never ask for a ride again!

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  5. Beduwen

    At least you found the source of the stink! Worst thing is NOT being able to find where it’s coming from!

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  6. Sarah

    Oh.my.gosh. This is simultaneously gross and wonderful! What if you traumatized the mechanic forever? Like every time he gets in a customer’s car, he’ll now have vivid poop bag flashbacks. I hope he can overcome this.

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  7. Elissa

    When I did this I had the bag of poop in the trunk…during the summer 🙁

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