This is what happens in Maryland when someone mentions there might be a dusting of snow:
PEOPLE LOSE THEIR MINDS.
There was a dusting last night and by the time we woke up there had been 165 reported car accidents in nearby Virginia. ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY FIVE. Did they all run out and do donuts on the highway all night? By 7 a.m. I was getting texts from my father (currently in Florida) that Maryland friends of his were reporting the stores were already (and I quote:) depleted. “Tell your family, Ron!” they cried. “Tell them the icy fingers of hunger are reaching for them. Save yourselves!”
People, snow is not the zombie apocalypse.
Actually my favorite part of my dad’s text was that he told me “the store are depleted so don’t drag your feet shopping and there are a lot of accidents on the roads.”
So, in essence, hurry up and plow into a ditch, or risk running out of bread.
They’re calling for up to two feet late Friday into Saturday. They’ve even used the b-word: blizzard. So naturally everyone went out and bought enough milk to keep all the orphans in China alive for a year and sixty rolls of toilet paper.
Exactly how much do people poop during snow storms?
Seems like without the threat of snow, people are playing fast and lose with their supplies. Parents are reliving their rebellious youths by allowing the butter cache drop to that one shapeless blob with the toast crumbs in it.
Before you run your car into a telephone pole because little Jimmy might run out of fruit roll-ups, take a deep breath. Snow can’t crawl in your windows and steal your children. You’re not going to have to go “Donner party” on your family. And what if you do. There’s more where Jimmy came from. He’s kind of a little jerk anyway these days. You should have never bought him a phone.
So relax. By Sunday afternoon it will all be plowed and the horror will all be just a great story you can tell your grandchildren about one day. “I remember when we ran out of orange juice… *gasp* And the bread. OH THE BREAD! We had to eat the crusty heel! Your grandmother was never the same after that…”